AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I’d make it clear to your Dad that she is NOT invited. Affairs (unfortunately) happen. And sometimes, that divorce/second marriage does turn out to be the best for everyone, but this woman sounds nasty, vindictive and bitter. I wouldn’t want her there and I certainly wouldn’t want her to make the day shit for my Mum. She is not your family, she is your Dad’s wife.

Or she’ll put a sour note over the whole event

OP clearly doesn’t like her so why invite her to her wedding

Invite her. She'll have a miserable time.

She isn’t mistress now?? Grim as anything but you have to suck it up

So the OP is the DC? According to her. If it was my (cheating) dad who insisted his former mistress, now wife be invited too…I’d consider whether I want the woman (now your step mum) there yourself. Which would upset you/your wedding most? Your dad’s absence, or her presence? Because sadly, if this is a ‘choose between your mum’s or your dad’s happiness’ situation, you’re on a hiding to nothing. Which would make YOU happier? My inclination…if he’s laying down an ultimatum that makes you unhappy, maybe he doesn’t deserve to come at all? He’s already (historically) chosen her above the happiness of his family, and he’s acting true to type

that is such an awful dilemma your dad is putting you through.
I understand that you prioritise you mum

You sound like an amazing daughter and very thoughtful person and I hope you have the most amazing wedding day.

Thats on him then. Invite who you want your mum and him.

Nope, your poor mum has been through enough with what your dad did. Invite him he is your dad but you don't have to invite her.

Your mum deserves to not feel happy and comfortable especially like you say this horrible women is very disrespectful to her and basically a bitch.

I would lay it out to your dad that you aren't inviting her because of how she speaks about your mum and its not fair to uour mum her being there. That you of course would love him to be there but that its his discision if he chooses not to.

He's threatening not to come as a form of emotional blackmail, he expects you to bend to his will, he reeks of someone used to getting his own way.

Stressful for all. But he’s married to her now. Unfortunately it’s a ‘suck it up’ for your mum. She needs to just let it go, be there for you. Your dad &
his wife will be uncomfortable anyway. The best your mum can do is arrive looking amazing and be happy & friendly. You shouldn’t be needing to worry about this.

Someone badmouthing and being nasty about op's mother. Nothing to do morality and more about decency and respect.

Your wedding, your choice, if your Mums feelings are more important than having your Dad there, don’t have him there.

Oh god I had this too. It was so hard.
The only acceptable option for my DM was for the step mother not to come. Also everyone thought I was overreacting and being oversensitive about the situation.
After the wedding and some very awkward moments people (including my husband) finally got where I was coming from.
It's absolutely awful and you have my sympathy.
If you'd been the parent I'd say pull yourself together and don't make it about you, as others have said. But since it's your parents, I am just sending a lot of sympathy instead!

His acceptance is still about him and his current family, and impacts them. There's no getting around that, he should stick to his guns and OP theirs honestly. The difference is that the disrespect is a complete fantasy from the mum, but real to the dads wife.

Why do these women want to go? Your Mother's "best" friend its just disgusting. Anyone with any decency at all would stay home and send there absulute prize of a husband on his own. Just hateful and hurtful. My 2nd marriage I didn't ever go to my DH family events if his ex wanted to go. Just sent him on his own.His family had known her for 20 years and they had 2 children together. Why should she suddenly be left out. It helped that his family were incredibly boring, stupid and common.

Shocking the number of fathers who are willing to cut their adult DC out of their lives for a new partner. Really shocking.

Shes not your family and your father is a knob to flaunt the woman who caused your mother such pain, not once but numerous times. If he chooses her over you so be it. As a grown up your stepmother should encourage your father to walk you down the aisle but they both sound like a couple of narcissistic arseholes. I wouldnt want my mother upset and disrespected on HER daughters wedding day.

I'd tell my dad he is welcome to attend but his wife is not invited. There wouldn't be any further discussion.

Whilst it was not an affair, I did not invite my father’s girlfriend to my wedding. She is a nasty person and we didn’t want her anywhere near our big day. He hasn’t spoken to me since and hasn’t acknowledged his grandchildren that have arrived since. He put his cards on the table and I moved on.

By not inviting her, you do run the risk of losing your relationship with him if you don’t invite her, but that is his choice. Speak to your mum and ask her for her honesty and have a real conversation about it. How would you feel if he ended contact with you?

it’s not a nice place to be, whilst I was over it, my grandparents and a few members of my family were clearly upset at his not being there, but for me it was worth it not to have the drama!

When we were in 2 minds about not inviting her, we thought that if we did, we would eschew the traditional ‘top table’ and sit with our best man, and wedding party etc, and then sit our parents separately with people we knew would enjoy being together. This way, if she is invited, nobody gets the top table argument and hopefully your vibe can be protected!

Sometimes you cannot win in these situations, it's sad when both parents can't put you 1st for one day.

My dad married his affair partner (who had been my mum's best friend), the ripples continue to bounce around 30 years later.

As with the OP, my sister wanted our dad to come to her wedding on his own, but he refused to come without his new wife. This hung over the whole day, my mum was upset and distressed all day and my dad and his new wife then snuck off early before the meal as they felt they'd been made to feel unwelcome.

My sisters subsequent graduation, was spoilt as this time my dad didn't bring his wife, but was evidently annoyed as he wasn't on good form at all throughout the day (understatement).

Ten years later I graduated, but didn't attend or celebrate at all to avoid a repeat performance.

Another 10 years on I get married, but my mum doesn't come to any part of the day, as she is too traumatised to see my dad and his wife again (literally still traumatised, she's never got over it at all).

My advice - just invite your mum and your dad. Your dad & his wife will get over it, if he doesn't come then it's his loss and he'll go on to regret it.

Agreed, don’t be that person. My wedding was a nightmare 20 years ago because of a similar situation and my parents acting like children. Advice would be to go with what they want. It’s one day, and a big one for your child. They’ll remember how you conduct yourself on one of the biggest days of their life for ever. It’s their day not yours.

Honestly, if you’re only “civil with your dad because he's your dad”, then tell him she’s not invited and that if that means he won’t come that’s fine. I spent way, way too much time and energy pandering to my nice but utterly narcissistic father because I felt I should, to the detriment of both myself and others. These men get away with it because they are entitled and make the most fuss so everyone gives them what they want. It’s absolutely ok to prioritise yourself on your wedding day.

Well clearly she’s not your family.

let your dad do as he pleases. Send him an invite just for him and he can make his own decisions.

if he doesn’t come, then you really do know what sort of man he is. I’d be cutting contact with him too.

Are your replies also a.i. ?

Gosh this is difficult, I was invited to my ( then ex) sis in law wedding as we had maintained a friendship after I divorced her brother. I knew my ex ( her brother) would be there with the woman he cheated on me and was now married to but I decided to hold my head high and go for her sake.

Did I feel hurt? Actually no I didn’t but it was some years later and, in all honesty, I had no feelings left for him.

Thankfully we were seated some distance apart and I have to say his wife looks genuinely uncomfortable to be there all day.

i, personally, had a bloody good time.

How does your mother feel? Does she want neither of them there? Can she suck it up for the sake of her child? ( something so many divorced parents have to do)

since you have experience to indicate this woman won’t behave well if she is at the wedding, this is simple. She should not be invited.

Your father should still attend.

It will hurt if he doesn’t choose properly, but poor parents often make a series of bad decisions. If he declines, I’m guessing this will be just one of many times he has disappointed you as a parent.

None of them will be your fault.