AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

Let DD not attend then. He’s the one that had the affair, he doesn’t get to dictate who you invite to your special day. Don’t invite the mistress if you don’t want to upset ur mum. Your dad sounds horrible I wouldn’t want him to come anyway!

I would tell him that him not attending his daughter's wedding is his choice to make, and that his attempt at emotional blackmail has just crystallised that I don't want his new wife there.

I tend to react badly to arm-twisting.

@Zoobaloo
I'd personally feel totally disrespected
But I'd go to that wedding looking the absolute best I could whilst holding my hatted head up high
Because its not about me; its about it being my child's Special Day
And nothing is going to spoil it!

For me, it would depend if either you or you mum would be upset about her being there. If yes, she is

She's not his mistress at this point, but his spouse. Couples should be invited together. So yes, YABU in my opinion.

If you are not interested in a relationship with your dad’s mistress and you know that it would also hurt your mom then no, I wouldn’t invite her.
Your dad already failed you once, by breaking the marriage with your mom, if he chooses to fail you again by not coming that’s on him.
Is your wedding and you should be surrounded by people who you love and who truly love you!
Do what your heart and your gut is telling to do.

I had this exact situation. It was about 10 year later, though. I chose to have them all there, mum and new partner, dad and wife, it was slightly awkward but fine. Now my dad and his second wife have been together longer than my mum and dad were together. I think once they are divorced and it's a few years later, it's better to move on. If it's very recent, not so much.

My dad 'wrecked' our family, but this also freed my mum to find someone better and his second wife got stuck with him. She was the ultimate winner and both are better out of the marriage.

I wouldn't invite her. You don't want her there. She isn't a random wife, partner, or plus 1. She's the woman who your dad cheated with, who ruined your parents' marridge and destroyed your family. Obviously, your dad needs to take responsibility for that, but ultimately, he is your family, and she is just the woman he chose to blow up his family for.

Id invite him and be clear that she isn't invited. You are inviting him and your mum. Your parents. Hou expect them to be civil for 1 day. If he feels he doesn't want to attend, then that's on him. She may well be his family, but she's not your family. He's making a choice to put his and her feelings above yours. If he chooses not to come, maybe ask your mum to walk you down the aisle or walk yourself. Id also go VLC if he makes that choice.

My mum passed away and my dad quickly got into a relationship with an old friend of theirs. Anyway, I didn't want her at the wedding (they were living together at this point). My dad agreed not to bring her. Three months before I was getting married, they decided they were gtg married. He then came back with, "if my wife can't come to the wedding, I won't be there." I chose not to have them both at the wedding.
38 years later, I have no regrets.
On reflection, it was more on my dad and his behaviour than anyone else.

No one can make this decision for you. What is your mum's take on it?

On reflection, I was still grieving and I felt it very disloyal to my mum's memory.

My niece recently got married. Her parents do not speak to one another. They didn't have a traditional top table. They had all the females at one side and males at the other, bride and groom still in the middle.

I hope your day goes fantastically well and you both have a very happy life together.

Prioritise your mum.
Dad has a choice to make.

It would appear the woman is vile. Your Dad can’t be much better if he treated your Mum like that and allows her to get away with her comments.

It’s an easy decision: put your Mum first and ban the woman. If your Dad wants to attend, he comes alone. He’s already putting her first ahead of you by refusing to go without her so you know where his priorities lie.

It's your wedding, you should invite who you want there based on their contributions to your life so far and who you see being a part of your future life.

You dont like this woman. I think you are possibly hiding behind the reason that your mum doesn't want her there, rather than outright tell your dad you dont want her there based on your own feelings about her?

I dont think you are under any obligation to invite her on the grounds she's "family" or anything. You may want to consider a compromise if you're very keen to have your dad there (e.g. could you invite her to the evening do?) But personally I'd rather hold my ground and refuse full stop. He is your dad first and foremost, and if he's worth his salt he should put his relationship with you before his wife. And I don't say that because she is somehow lesser, I say that because he should respect that his relationship with her has caused you upset and she should also be mindful of this; you dont need further upset, especially on your wedding day.

My dad's partner (mistress who broke up their marriage) was not invited to my wedding. Dad asked but was told no bloody way was she coming as I wanted to enjoy my day. He thinks I don't know that she stayed at the hotel while he came to my wedding.

Dick.

Don't invite her if you don't want her there. Stick to your guns. I did and I was very happy with my decision.

Ultimately it’s your day & it’s what you want. If you don’t want her at your wedding, don’t invite her & tell your dad you’d like him there but completely understand why he’s decided not to come.

I wouldn’t mention your mum feeling disrespected or you not liking new wife. Leave the ball clearly in his court knowing she’s not invited to any part of the day (in case she tries to wangle along to evening)

Your dad should not be calling the shots. It’s your day and I don’t know how he thinks that it’s ok for his current wife to be there given the circumstances.

DH had a similar situation. FIL married his mistress, we invited both to the wedding. It helped that MIL had remarried. He was stressed about them being the same place but they all behaved. Many years had passed since the divorce.

DH would rather have had his Dad there with his with than not invite her and his Dad not come. I’ve been at a few weddings when there have been tricky situations between bride or groom’s parents. Most parents just keep distance between them but are civil for their child. Your Mum might not want her there but surely having your Dad there is more important?

This feels like a problem for your father to navigate. If you don’t want her there then don’t invite her and let the chips fall where they may. If your father has any sort of spine then he won’t miss your wedding and he will deal with the fallout in his marriage on his own. Don’t pander to a man who blew up your family years ago because he failed to keep it in his pants.

she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school

No way would this woman be invited to my wedding, my Mum wouldn’t deserve that.

Every separated parent knows that they will need to face their ex and be well behaved and gracious at any wedding, but to have a name calling OW present is a step too far.

I can understand why your dad might want to attend his daughter’s wedding with his new wife. I can understand why your mum might be upset. Ultimately though it is how you feel that counts.

Trust me… it’s very much still a thing!

Having joined friends for their first weddings, I am now going through all of their second weddings as it turns out many of them married cockwombles the first time!

Second time round it’s more hotels rather than churches and live bands rather than string quartets which is a relief!

Sounds like it’s either your mum or your dad’s bit on the side. I would choose my mum every time. If your dad is so shallow that he can’t attend his daughter’s wedding without the second wife, then he’s really not worth bothering about.

It is his choice if he wants to refuse the single invitation. His loss. Once again proving that he can’t put himself aside even for one day.

Its still the ops father and no matter how you view it that WILL be a hard decision for her to make. It's got a lot to do with morals as you demonstrate here by having a personal view from your morals.

I have been to a lot of weddings… usually the top table I’d bride, groom, parents, best man and bridesmaids!

they must have had an enormous top table!

plus I am guessing that the step parents were all amicable and welcome, which isn’t the case in this situation.

I didn’t invite her in the same scenario and my dad turned up and did his best to have a nice time.
I decided to put myself in everyone involved’s shoes and concluded:

1. I really didn’t believe she’d (have the balls to) feel actually comfortable being there under scrutiny by whole extended family & friends anyway.
2. I rationalised were I the OW in this situation I would reasonably understand that staying out is the civilised thing to do.

I am glad I stuck to my guns. She made his whole funeral about her several years later.