AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I went to a wedding recently - groom's dad was there with his current wife, groom's mum was there with her new husband. No fights, lovely wedding.

is your conclusion the same if you'd read @Zoobaloo's post at 23.34?

"I don’t want a relationship with her at all, or for any future children to. I’m civil with my dad because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school"

No way. If my dad had cheated, there's no way I'd want the woman who broke up my family there (if she didn't know he was married, then that is different, but if she did, she's as bad as the cheater).
I'd never put my mum through that.

Agree.

I would also change my mindset: if when you have been clear, he chooses not to come alone, then this is still the right decision, because although it's sad, your whole day would have been ruined by the stress of having that woman there. You will still have a wonderful day and he will be missing out.

Whilst you can sympathise with your mum about the difficult divorce, I think you do also need to respect the fact your father is now married to the OW, particularly if you want a good ongoing relationship with him

It is very kind of you to consider your mum's feelings but I disagree that "it's not fair on her" to expect her to be an adult and put your feelings first for one day. Is she likely to kick off if you do invite the new wife? Will your mum have other people around to support her? Obviously dont seat them together, but otherwise id hope they could just be civil and/or just avoid each other

It does however depend how long ago this all happened? If it was within last couple of years, it may be more raw all round i know, but if it happened years ago... your mum is fully entitled to hate him and never forgive him for his behaviour but equally needs to let work on letting go of the heartache for her own sake xxx

Also, we say this to kids all the time, but please remember even as an adult, you are not responsible for your parents past behaviour and/or feelings around their divorce or relationship.

If you know he cheated "multiple times", presumably your mum also knew this and chose to try again multiple times, voluntarily, not saying that it makes it ok at all! But... it's really TMI for any child to know so much about their parents breakup as even with obvious wrongs such as cheating, their relationship was theirs and you won't know every thing about that dynamic and how it felt for each of your parents throughout etc.

Good luck with your wedding x

Invite your father alone. If he choses not to come to his daughters wedding because of his wife that is on him. This is your wedding and your father ended your family by cheating on your mum and leaving you and her for this woman so you do not have to explain why you do not want her there to him. I he does not go then he will lose out going forward but you go ahead with your wedding plans and leave him to navigate his solo invite himself. You owe neither of them a thing.

I probably wouldn't invite her if you don't like her anyway but it's a tough one. I wouldn't want her there but I would want my dad.

How do you see your relationship with your dad working going forwards? If he won't come to the wedding without her I doubt he'll be on board with keeping his relationship with you/any future grandchildren completely separate either. Sooner or later you may need to make a lesser of two evils choice there as well.

Her now being his wife I think changes things. If it was temporary then no. But wife suggests an intention to be permanent. He shouldn’t have cheated of course but it is what it is now. So yes I think she should be invited. But no one should be threatening not to attend. And if it will cause issues she should maybe bow out gracefully.

I think you should either get Mumsnet to change the title, or get them to add something to the top of your OP otherwise people will respond to something you’re not actually asking about.

Your father sounds like a horrible, emotionally manipulative man.

Absolutely do not invite his wife.

It would spoil both yours and your mother's day.

Not sure why you'd even consider it if she calls your mother names tbh. Your mother has more of a right to enjoy her daughter's wedding then the woman your father cheated with. He doesn't decide who attends YOUR wedding.

Be clear to your Dad that if he decides not to come, it's his choice but tbh I would stay very low contact, if at all, anyway.

He needs to bear the consequences of his actions. He can come alone or not at all. Those would be the options I would give him.

Then I think you make it very clear to your father that she is not invited, he is to come alone or not come at all. That in future, you will be interacting with only him as you have zero interest in a relationship with his new wife. That you understand it may mean this lessens the relationship between the two of you but that it was important he understood what he was risking as well - his relationship with his child and any future role in your life such as grandparent to any future children.

To be clear is to be kind.

Yes. I’d never miss my dcs wedding and I’d also encourage my dc to get their father there anyway they could, even if thst meant being face to face with his wife. If I was the new wife I’d show some tact, recognise the situation and not go, but then I guess someone who had an affair with a married man doesn’t know or care about doing the right thing.

She's his family, not yours. Have the wedding you want @Zoobaloo

Personally 'I would not invite her and I'd tell dad, his choice to come or not. Just ket you know either way.

I think actions have consequences and his actions should have consequences.

I think these decisions should be on the basis of the relationship you want with these people in the future. Sounds like you'd prefer no relationship at all with her. I would invite only my dad.

Hard disagree,

@Zoobaloo stated "I don’t want a relationship with her at all, or for any future children to. I’m civil with my dad because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school"

I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who bad-mouthed my mother.

and that is perfectly fine, it is your day, as long as you are prepared not to have your Dad there.

She’s his wife now. She should be invited.

The mistress should not attend. I’d explain to my dad that I want him to come to the wedding alone, surely he knows this is the right thing to do. Tell him you’d feel uncomfortable with his new wife attending and as it’s your wedding day how you feel is more important than his and his new wife’s feelings. If he chose not to attend that would be a major deal to me and would change my relationship with him forever

Sorry I missed this - how do you know he won’t come without his wife? Don’t guess - be explicit to avoid confusion (if you haven’t already).

id still say the same. My mum’s comfort would take preference over my dad’s stubborn refusal to make the day about me rather than him.