AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I'm sorry but my response would be "shes not my family and wont be attending my wedding you are welcome to come on your own if you chose not to come thats your choice and I accept it"
Id then stick to it, no nasty former mistress/new wife at my wedding even if it ment my dad not coming, but im a hard nosed bitch.
You need to do what's right for you not your mum or dad and only invite people you want and dont let your dad pressure you. Ultimately he will have to decide whether to go to his daughter's wedding alone or miss it

This, 100%.

I think its unfair of your dad to make your wedding the place he takes the stand that she is 'family'. So I would be inclined to say, dad I love you but its my wedding and a celebration of my love for my husband to be - not an opportunity for you to force other family members to accept your love for your partner. Have your own wedding if you want that. I feel like you are trying to emotionally blackmail me into giving you want you want by threatening to not come if I don't. I feel pretty sad you would try and leverage my wedding in that way. I want you to come but I would understand if you don't want to.

I think your situation is different, because your daughter will see that woman as her stepmother and had grown up around her.

Whereas the OP doesn’t see this woman as her stepmother. She doesn’t play “happy families” with her. She is well aware of the messy divorce and heartache caused. Is your daughter aware too?

So no, you will not be “in the same situation” as the OP’s mum.

Sorry I wrote this before I read that you personally dont like her and don’t want her there. That’s fair enough and your prerogative.
But please don’t do it purely on your mums behalf. I’d hate my daughter to ever feel she had to do that for me at her own wedding

My exH is now living with his affair partner (they began an affair when I was pregnant and it went on through the first year of my DDs life - so a really vulnerable time for me). I also knew the affair partner prior to affair so she knew I existed and that was pregnant/had a new baby etc.

They now play happy families with my Dd (now a teen) 2 nights per week. Obviously I don’t love the situation but would never bad mouth either of them and my Dd is still oblivious to all the background.

if they’re together by the time my Dd gets married, I will basically be in the same scenario as your mum in this situation.

would I choose to spend time in the company of either my exH or his affair partner? NO WAY

would I be willing to be civil for one day for my dds sake and bite my tongue? ABSOLUTELY, it’s her day. She deserves to be happy and would want both me and her dad there.

my DDs wedding is not about me - or her dad - or any historic drama. It’s about her and her new husband and their future. In fact I’d put on a brave face and not even let on to my Dd that o had an issue with it. It’s not fair to put that on her.

if she happens to grow up and see through them both and decide herself she doesn’t want her dads partner there I won’t pretend I’d be gutted 😂 but that will never come from me or my influence

If you decide not to invite your father’s wife, my advice to him would be to put his child first for one day.

this really should be your decision. Both parents should accept your decision and attend politely.

My mum was having a long term known affair at the time of my wedding and they were not invited, that's a boundary I felt it was ok for me to have.
If they'd been divorced, then perhaps ok.

Your Dad did a bad thing and expects there to be no repercussions. Telling you he won't come unless she is also invited is complete emotional manipulation, but clearly he's displayed a pattern of this type of behaviour over the years.

I honestly would not invite the mistress and I'd probably rethink inviting your Dad. He should be so thrilled to be included in your day and have enough about him to understand why you wouldn't invite his mistress- he's not that guy though so don't give him the opportunity to ruin your day being petulant and huffy.

I wondered that too.

Your dad needs to grow the fuck up. He sounds like a vile man.

I wouldn’t invite the new wife. If your dad doesn’t come then it’s his loss. I’m sorry.

I think in the circumstances as described i would not have the OW at your wedding.

And as regards any future children if this OW is bad mouthing your mum that will cause endless issues for you, and your children.

Your dad may well think she is family, he does not get to decide that.

TBH i would not want my father there either.

Oh absolutely don't invite her, she sounds appalling. It's awful your Dad isn't respecting the circumstances AND being careful after causing such harm

Even without the update about how the OW is not a nice person I thought do not invite her at the expense of yout mother's feelings. The comments bascially insinuating your mother needs to suck it up are ridiculous. It's the father who needs to suck it up. Your father needs to.realise these are the comsequnces of his actions. Do not tell him you understand if he chooses not to go. Tell him you understand he is choosing his wife who together caused your family pain. Moving foreard it will be him causing a rift. Do not invite her. Your mam deserves to feel.comfortable and you dont like the woman. Case closed.

It's your wedding, you should invite people who you like and who will help you enjoy the day

Your dad's partner does not do these things so she is not invited and if your dad chooses not to come because of that then he is the one missing out.

Sorry your dad is an arsehole.

its your wedding so you invite who you want and as you are not ode to her and don’t like her its fair not to invite her. Your dad can then make a choice but really he should understand why you just want him and not her. My children refuse to have anything to do with their dads girlfriend due to their affair and thats their choice and if they had a wedding I know as it stands she would not be welcome, that said if things change in the future I would still go as its their day.

👆🏻

Has your mum not remarried?

The OW was obviously important to your dad if he kept going back to, and ultimately married her.

You're an adult now and must know that relationships are not straightforward, things go wrong and they do break down but bitterness should not last forever.

Do you know this woman? You might even find you like her.

It's only insensitive to your mother if she lets it be, ask her how she feels. Remember it is your wedding and you naturally want both parents there.

This is balanced though - both sides have moved on and are in new relationships. The current situation is very different, one party is still very bruised and humiliated and the offending parties are seemingly unapologetic and actively unpleasant. Just no.

Hadn’t read page 2 no. Sounds like it might all kick off. But I don’t think the OP should be choosing sides in her parents divorce. Interested to know how reasonable the mother is being or if OP is being pressured from both sides.

after what you’ve said about the way she talks about your mum, I’m even more strongly in camp mum. I’d probably tell my dad that too - I’m not having anyone at my wedding who bad mouths my mum.

Consider this - if you wouldn’t invite her to your birthday party, why on earth would you invite her to the biggest party you’ll probably ever have? For some reason, we all treat weddings differently but we shouldn’t - it’s the one day you should be surrounded only by people you love and who love you back, no exceptions.

you can do as you have suggested with zero guilt. You have invited your dad. If he behaves like a toddler and refuses to come then that’s on him.

I would send both of them a text stating that their behaviour and relationship has caused significant harm to your original family and I would call out his wife and say the way you speak about my mother especially after both of your behaviour towards her is vile and unacceptable.

I would say I am civil in your presence because of the fact you are my father’s wife. However you don’t see her as family and you don’t think it is appropriate for her to attend your wedding.

I would reiterate to your father you would like him to attend however the invite will be for him only. If he decided not to attend that would be the end of my relationship with him.

I can’t stand adults who cause chaos and dysfunction and act like victims after it.

Invite dad on his own. If he chooses not to come then that’s up to him, it may be his current wife but given the way the relationship started he can’t just expect you to accept her as part of the family. If she says unkind things about your mum I wouldn’t even consider inviting her anyway.

I also want to say I'm very sorry for you that both your mum and dad have made such selfish comments to you and put you in an impossible position. Both of them are in the wrong for that.

I think this is very simple.

You have said you don’t like her so don’t invite her.