AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

Its also not moralistic to care for and want your father at your wedding. You just don't see it that way hence YES you are being moralistic from your point of view.

Also you missed the point of what I was saying. That it is understandable it was hard for the op to make this choice. You dont appear to acknowledge that at all.

Ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone to make, I don't think there is any right or wrong in what you decision you do end up deciding.

Although as you don't want her there, in your position, I would take my dad aside and explain to him the reasons and express disappointment that he is choosing her over your special day. It's about you and not them.

Also if you are having a traditional wedding with a wedding party and top table; even if you decided she could attend, isn't she going to be lurking around on her own?

If you are doing top table etc. I would explicitly mention that to your dad and tell him under no terms would she be part of it, so it likely would be awkward for her anyway.

No. It's not moralistic to want to protect your mother from someone else's venom.

Your mother needs to put her feelings aside for one day. My ex husband brought his wife to my my daughter’s wedding. He had an affair with her and they married. The day wasn’t about any of us, just my daughter and her husband. I get why your mum is hurt, but this is not her day. The only thing I put my foot down at was she wanted to come to the dress shop when my daughter was choosing her dress and it was a firm no from me. It caused some issues with my ex but I am her mother, and had been looking forward to that day since she was little.

I wouldn’t go if my dad married his mistress. My dad had an affair years ago and after he split with my mum I said I wanted to see him happy with someone but I would never have a relationship with the woman who broke our family up….even though I was 30 at the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t invite her if you don’t want to. Do you even want your father there considering he is STILL prioritising this woman above you, his daughter. I’d say to him, she isn’t invited and if you are going to sulk and flounce so be it. What a selfish man.

Zero empathy from him, he can’t put you first for just one day, can he?

Tbh he sounds like an idiot anyway. No loss if he won't come.

It’s your wedding and your choice of guests. If he refuses to come without her then so be it. You’d have thought he could see the day was about you and not him

Oh dear no, of course not, this is not remotely true.

This is the normal, standard and expected reaction of a woman who was abused by a cheater for years, being honest about her vulnerability.

She said she'd feel disrespected, and that's becuse she would be being (once again) disrespected. The mistress doesn't need to be there, OP has no relationship with her, the father can simply be told no for once in his life, thus solving the problem being invented by her entitled arsehole of a father.

You cannot compare the reaction of a person who was cruelly abused and lied to's reaction with the reaction of a piece of selfish, lying shit who stuck his cock in randoms, or a woman happy to shag married men who still slags off the man's wife.

The father is a man who shags randoms and runs roughshod over other people as he pleases, attempting blackmail to get his way again. The mistress and the daughter don't get along and the mistress slags OPs mum off. These are just established facts.

So no, there is no emotional blackmail at all. Just an abused woman trying to hang onto the last shreds of her dignity, who doesn't want the woman who helped destroy her marriage to be slithering around on her daughter's special day.

And her mother also did not say she would not come but pointed out that she would be being disrespected if the mistress was given this acknowledgement.

So the mistress will just have to learn to live with the fact that she won't ever be a part of OPs life. Oh well. It's not like she cares.

I'll assume you're a cheater or the OW who enables cheating, if you continue to try to pretend not to get this.

Her mother said it would make her feel disrespected for the woman her ex had an affair with to come - that's emotional blackmail. She has good reason to be angry at the woman and at her ex, and I'm not suggesting the distress isn't real, but it's still emotional blackmail.

Your mother, obviously, is NOT emotionally blackmailing you. She experienced abuse from your abusive father - yes cheating is indeed abusive and wrecks people's mental health, anyone pretending otherwise is generally a cheating abuser themselves or just very dim/low empathy and compassion. She has not gotten over that abuse and she does not wish to be stripped of her remaining dignity at her own daughter's wedding.

If she was demanding your father not come, that would be (maybe) unreasonable. But she has simply told you that having the mistress he chose to abuse her with and desert his family over at her own daughter's wedding will make her feel dreadful. I would imagine it might ruin her day quite a bit.

It's perfectly reasonable for her not to want him to flaunt his mistress in her actual face at her own daughter's wedding, of course.

You also don't like her, because she's unpleasant.

Your father stuck his cock in a passing random, who he later upgraded to mistress, so he gets no say in anything related to his mistress.

If he tries to emotionally blackmail you, so be it, he gets to miss out on his daughter's wedding. He already chose to miss out on a normal family life, so that's his call to make.

He can come without the mistress who dislikes your mother, and who you rightfully also dislike, or he can piss off. Easily done.

I couldn't attend. And wouldn't have only my adult son no longer speaks to his father over the affair. But had he invited the child bride my ex ran off with then I'd have to have stepped away.
Luckily my kids wiped their father as a result of his behaviour so I don't have to worry about it.

It’s very simple op. Then he doesn’t come. Don’t put your mum through that. She deserves to have the day peaceful and with her daughter. It would be a mockery to a wedding to bring his affair partner there.

I would imagine that if he was unfaithful multiple times, he was forgiven most of them for his disrespect towards your mother. To invite her, knowing that it would upset your mother, would be another version of the same: he gets to put his needs first and everyone else’s second. I would not invite her and explain that the history behind how they got together is still upsetting you and your mother. He can then chose what to do.

He put your Mum through hell by having multiple affairs with the same woman and now wants to parade her at your special event, fuck no! He can come if he wants but he doesn't get to manipulate you. I certainly couldn't do it especially knowing that my Mum is still hurt by his infidelities.

The best truthful comment

I’m very much team mum here. Don’t invite the new wife. You don’t want a relationship with her and I don’t blame you. You love your mum and you don’t even like the new wife, so it’s a no brainer.

Do you have any sort of relationship with your dad's new wife (ex mistress) ? Also what is your relationship with your dad like ? If it's pretty negative on both accounts then don't invite her and don't let your dad dictate what happens at your wedding.

My Dad also had numerous affairs and eventually left my mum. When I got married he wanted her there but my mum said she wouldn’t sit down for dinner with her there so I said no to my dad. He wasn’t happy but his friend reminded him that I was his daughter and was in his life longer than his partner so she didn’t come. My dad never mentioned it again but she did! I also didn’t like her but tolerated her for my dad.

Is there anyone that could speak to your Dad on your behalf to explain it’s one day and not his day?

Your dad doesn't get to give ultimatums. If YOU dont want her at YOUR wedding than you dont invite her. If he is willing to miss your childs wedding than he is a dead beat

I think the title confused a lot of people. It certainly confused me and as a result my vote woukd have been different.

So on paper, I’d say that her being there isn’t an issue.
The divorce was years ago. I assume that they have no contact now.

HOWEVER, you dint like the woman at all.
Youre civil to your dad becayse he is your dad but dint seem to be particularly close to him. I get the feeling him being there is more of a duty thing rather than a ‘I really want him there’ (please correct me if I’m wrong)
On the top of it, your dad is using your wedding to make his relationship with the OW more acceptable (maybe there was more backlash than he expected and people are still cold).
Seeing all of that, I dint think I’d invite her. But that would not be because of your mum and how she feels about it iyswim

Since it’s your dad threatening not to come, call his bluff. Say either he comes alone, and if he won’t, he’s not welcome. If he says no, you have your answer. Why would you terrorise your mum by having his mistress there on your special day. You mum birthed you and raised you.

it’s like you are okay with someone who is not related to you and damaged you (mistress) is more important than your mum.

That’s the right decision. Tell your dad, slagface can’t come to your wedding, if he says no, tell him he can FO then.

it’s about time your dad faces up to the consequences of his sleeping around and having fun.

it boils down to who you like more. Your mum or your dad?

Your dad is the one out of line here. He knows bringing his new wife will cause drama and is refusing to come without her. He's being a jerk.

I would politely invite him, and say sorry your wife can't come because mum will be there and I don't want any drama at my wedding, I'm sure you understand. (End of conversation.)

If he chooses to act like a child and have a tantrum, it's probably better that he's not there anyway.

He clearly isn't prepared to put his own child first on her big day and that is frankly disgusting.

Is the new wife reasonable? Could you or one of your close friends or hubby to be speak to her privately about it or is she going to be a nasty drama queen about it too?

At the end of the day, it's your wedding and your decision. I'm sorry this is extra stress for you! Whatever you decide, make sure your friends, bridesmaids and ushers are briefed, so they can deal with any nonsense swiftly! Hire security if that's what it takes to have a peaceful wedding!

When my DS married, he invited both parents and made it clear that partners were not welcome for exactly the situation you describe. Both parents were told to behave and stay out of each others way. It worked and my DS got both parents at her wedding.