AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

If I was the wife, I would want to know that others will feel uncomfortable about my attendance and I would decline but encourage my Hubby to attend for his Daughter's sake.

I don't know how you can broach that with her though.

Next up will be the tough discussion on seating plan... I wouldn't want my Mum to be hurt having to share the family table with her.

Sorry to say it, but your Dad is a piece of shit.

He prioritised this woman over your Mum, humiliating both (you mentioned “several affairs”).

Now he’s prioritising the woman (who also sounds like trash TBF, if she’s name calling your mother) over you.

Tell both to get to fuck and invite neither. Your father has already shown you who he prefers once, don’t give him a chance to disregard and disrespect you and your mother a second time.

What he did to OPs mother is separate to the relationship he has with his daughter. It always will be. OP needs to move forward and not have to carry the burden of this.

Did you read the bit where the op said she is nasty to her mum and calls her names like a teenage bully in school?

'very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school'

How do you know this? Has she done this in front of you?

Regardless. I would definitely not be inviting her. And if your Dad chooses her 'hurt feelings' 🙄 over seeing his daughter get married then that's his loss. And you'll know exactly where you stand with him.

Tbqh, he sounds awful. Only a completely heartless bastard would put your mother in this position on her daughter's wedding day.

Saying that, I hope you manage to sort all this out and have a wonderful day. 💐

You don’t like her so don’t invite her
Up to your Dad what he does but of course he will choose her.

I don't think the victim should bear the burden of suffering in order to keep the man who treated her badly happy. That's just letting him get away with being a prick, and punishing her for his cruel behaviour.

Perhaps instead of that, the father should try being a decent person for once and recognise that he did a horrible thing, and because of the choices he made his new wife is reasonably not welcome at family events, so he'll have to attend alone.

it's still normal not to make everything about yourself

Invite your mum and dad but not the be wife.
Then it's his choice not to come and your mum will have a nice time at your wedding

*missed off quote, but this is in response to OW name calling.

Ah wait…changed my mind. That bitch can whistle, your dad too for allowing her to name call the mother of his childen

@Zoobaloo whilst the situation was very hurtful for your mum, your dad has chosen to have his life spent with this other women rather than your mum. The upset has ruined enough, and your mum needs to accept the situation so that it doesn’t ruin anymore. You should have your dad there with his wife if you want your dad at your wedding.

This set-up should start now as they’ll be plenty more events where all 3 need to attend should you go on to have kids.

Your mum needs to be the bigger person here, and you need to help her do that by not putting her feelings before your own.

I was in a similar situation almost 20y ago now. My dad on his own, my mum with her affair, not yet married themselves. It was so raw (only a year before) that I said I didn't want the new fella there: my mum came to the church but not to the dinner afterwards as she didn't want to sit at the top table with me and my dad. I stand by that being the correct decision then, though if I were to remarry now I'd invite them all. But that's what the passage of time does.

Prioritise your mum.

Your dad has a choice over who he prioritises - you or the ex-mistress.

Said by someone who has never been betrayed

She is his wife, even if she is a yucky other woman she gets invited. But I think I’d have cut off dad for affairs in the first place so neither would be going, but if dad is allowed despite affairs then wife comes too

If it was reversed, I wouldn't go if my parents didn't agree of my husband.

As a mum, I would go to my kids weddings no matter what. If my ex is remarried, I wouldn't love to see the new wife, but I would ignore it.

Also as a mum, I don't agree on making my kids chose between their mum and their dad.

I'm sorry he's making what should be your happy day difficult, OP. In this case, I would prioritise your own wants and your mum's wants, over your father's. Tell him frankly that while you love him, you don't like his wife, you're disappointed in him for the way he treated your mother, he's lucky to be invited at all, and he's to come alone and not with the woman he broke his marriage vows with.

But be prepared for him to play the victim, prioritise his wife over you, and refuse to come.

This. Your dad needs to understand this is not the time to be digging his heels in. You and your poor mum can do without the stress.

dad wants to normalize his relationship with the OW/ now wife. He wants it normalized and all the seedy past forgotten and for her to be meeting and greeting all the guests with him as his wonderful wife. She wants this too now after years of being the other woman.

you don’t really like her or want her there

I’m sensing/ reading you seem closer to your mum who will have to put on her best face and enjoy the day/ be happy despite two people who made her life quite sad and difficult.

your dad refuses to put you first. Im Sure his wife is in his ear about how he’s not going if she’s not going. I suspect he is parroting her words.

will your mum go and make the best of it irregardless? Will she go even if OW/ wife is there hanging on your father’s arm? If your answer is yes for this very reason I would not have OW/wife at the wedding.

your mum will put you first. For this reason I would make the day better for her and you by saying dad I want you there but not wife.

don’t worry about birthdays etc that’s the future and you may decide differently then.

im not surprised your dad is remarried of course they both needed to legitimize their relationship built on lies and deception by marrying. Two selfish people still
being selfish.

Yes, this.

It’s worth a think through. We had similar…..partners father thought his mistress/wife was entitled to come with him to our wedding. One of our little flower girls had cancer at the time. We found out his mistress had just come out of hospital having had a boob enhancement& had ended up in ICU. Partner and I called bridesmaids parents to chat it through and they said better to not have someone bringing ICU germs.

Absolutely fine with us. Their call. She was in the bridal party, mistress not so much. She didn’t have to schedule her op for just before our wedding.

Partners dad wasn’t at all happy, pestered mother in law about getting it cleared for the mistress to come and stay at the back! (No!). It was all very strange.
He was minted, his new family got everything and my hubby and his sisters were second class/abused really... Father in law wasn’t helping with wedding cost at all, letting everyone else scrimp to help us (we were v young).

Fast forward a few years, we don’t see his dad or his mistress or their new replacement family. No great loss to us.
He clearly doesn’t really understand marriage and I still think it’s awful how badly he treated my husband and his sisters. We have since had children and he hasn’t been a part of that.

We are ok with that, and think we’ve probably save a lot of hassle for us and our children.

Some people are not nice characters.

If he won’t go to his own child’s wedding unless he gets his own way re his guest, he doesn’t sound very nice to be honest.

It’s your wedding. Have what you feel happy with. You are under no obligation to invite him or his mistress!!!

My advice as someone who has lived something similar…..sod him! Have your mum there. Have a gorgeous day. Don’t give him or the mistress a second thought!

🌼🌸🌻

Basically the woman who was betrayed, cheated on and treated horrendously had to shut up and suck it up for the sake of the kids while the people who did that can play happy families and have zero consequences, huh?

Obviously young kids don't need to know what went on but as they get old enough that they are capable of understanding, I don't think it sets a good example for someone to behave horrendously to someone they are supposed to love, and for the victim to have be silent and hide their feelings and pain.

Sorry edited to add - Sorry you went through that. The way you deal with it may work for you but that doesn't mean it's the right way. I've never experienced it but my sister did and the way her ex and his mistress behaved made her feel suicidal. Kids are now adults and can't stand the woman but I still feel that she should have been honest with them when they were 11/12 rather than encourage them to go to visits and try to like her to keep the peace.

I wouldn't invite her on that basis.

Explain it to DD, but anticipate that he may not come.

It's not a choice unless you want it to be. Invite both parents no strings attached. Their politics aren't yours.
If you have a preference, own it.

All OP said was that the affair was years ago. She’s not said what age she was when it all happened or
if her stepmum was in her life when she was younger.

no my Dd doesn’t know any of the background but is now starting to see her dads gf’s behaviour (eg very controlling and selfish) but it’s never come from me.

I have not intentions of telling her any of this as I want her to have a good relationship with her dad for her own sake. However I can’t guarantee she won’t fallout. Exh has a massive family and many of them have fallen out with exH and his gf over the years - they are now estranged but have regular contact with my Dd. I’ve allowed contact on the agreement my Dd will be left out of family politics and bad mouthing of her dad. Unfortunately that will be harder for me to influence when she’s an adult

I’m not one to like family drama, however in this circumstance I can’t believe that your father’s new wife would even want to go. That alone is sounding alarm bells for me and for that reason I would not invite her. She has caused your mother (and you) a great deal of emotional pain (you said he was with her multiple times and now fully together) it’s ridiculous to expect your mother to be ok with her and for you to put your mother in that position. I honestly can’t believe she would have the nerve to attend - let alone demand an invitation via your father.