AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

If it were "just" that he had an affair with her and they are now married, I would be inclined to invite them both. We are all human and relationships can be messy, but ultimately she is his wife now.

However, I can't really see how you can invite a woman that bitches about your Mother and insults her. If nothing else, you're going to spend the whole wedding worried it will all kick off.

Technically, it does. And as I said to another poster, I was just being pedantic.

She isn’t.

She is her father’s wife.

It does not make her a stepmother.

Perfectly acceptable to refuse to have a relationship with DF's mistress/new wife and not invite her to your wedding. She's unpleasant to your mother who has every right to be deeply hurt by what happened, so therefore you have to pick sides, and I would pick DM too. DF has made his bed OP. He can come to the wedding alone or not at all. Hopefully he will start considering if he wants to meet future grandchildren etc....

I was just being pedantic.

Then you stick to your guns - father’s second wife is not invited. She mada a travesty of your mother’s marriage and you won’t allow her to do the same to your wedding by being present. He comes alone or not at all.

If your father doesn’t respect your wishes, then he is being true to form, isn’t he? And your day would be all the better for his absence. He’s lucky to be invited at all. Many in your shoes would have stopped contact after the divorce. I know I would have.

Only by dictionary definition and many don't go by that.

I would explain to your father why youdont want her there. You need to be honest about your dislike for her

then he has a choice, attend without her or don’t attend

She is a stepmother, whether OP chooses to recognize it or not. Even so, I think the father is unreasonable in expecting everyone to gloss over the damage he did to his family. OP might present something like this to persuade her DF to leave wifey at home. “I know you want her to come, Dad, and I understand why. But it will inevitably be awkward. You understand. Do you
really want Becky to be uncomfortable? Some people at the wedding will snub her. Others could say nasty things. If you really love her, you wouldn’t subject her to that.”

I ewouldn't want this woman at my wedding @Zoobaloo And if my father refused to attend my wedding, I'd feed that back to him - that he is valuing a woman who made my childhood & family life ery difficult over his own daughter.

Perhaps if you say that calmly and unemotionally to him - (use AI!!!! ) he might see sense.

But they both sound horrible.

He has a point!

how long ago did all this happen?

unless it was in the last year or two & so still freSh then I think its time to draw a line and move on from things.

Yes, your dad’s behaviour was shitty & he hurt your mum but holding onto that forever and having all this angst/drama/hurt is so silly.

life is really short, I’m sorry but I would invite her same as I would invite your mums partner/husband & I would expect them to behave themselves on my special day.

Say to your dad look, the most important people to me to have there are you and mum. But you know it would be incredibly difficult for mum if Sally is there, so you are asking me to choose Sally over my own mum. It's just not fair. I love you, I really really want you there to give me away (or whatever), but I cannot choose Sally over Mum so I am asking you to please come without her.

It is a tricky one, it's arguably a bit paternalistic (maternalistic?) to decide over your mum's head that she should not have to deal with it. Maybe having this women there would not actually ruin the day for her because there is so much joy to be had from being at her daughter's wedding. Maybe she can handle it and doesn't need you to "fix" if for her and risk falling out with your dad. But it is really hard to judge and I feel for you having to navigate through all the hurt and manipulation.

I am in the same position as you. There's a lot of years until this scenario would play out for me. But if my child wanted her there I would accept that for their sake.

But in the OPs case she doesn't want the new woman there so shouldn't invite. I imagine her dad will end up going even if she's not invited. But if he doesn't that's on him.

Absolute tosh!

Well, if she behaves like this towards your mother, I think it would be easy for me. I wouldn't invite her and would accept it if my father then decided not to come.

In the mother's place, I would suck it up and deal with it for the sake of my child. I do think being sat in a different place in the reception is a reasonable ask though.

It's really up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. You have every right to invite your father but not his wife. Of course, he may then decide not to come, which you'd have to accept.

I don't think there is a right or wrong and I'm not sure you can avoid upsetting someone. Decide what you think is right and then let everyone else decide how they want to handle it.

I think if your father would be wrong not to attend if invited without his wife, but that's up to him.

Your dad said he won't come if he can't bring his nasty wife
It sounds manipulative
You should tell him he can't come if he brings her.
He's putting her first again by giving you this dilemma.
Give the dilemma to him by sticking to your guns. He can ponder over it, not you

No way would I invite her then.

It sounds clear cut. Your mum should be the absolute guest of honour. She should not have to endure the presence of the OW.

I think you should just invite your dad. If he doesn’t want it come without his fellow homewrecker, then it’s fine for him not to come.

My dad and his mistress are married now. Even though my mum is now dead, I am NC with them. They are a horrible pair of narcs. It’s been nearly a decade of NC and I have zero regrets.

So why is your belief that OP's mum has to suck it up and suffer, instead of her father? Surely an appropriate compromise would be that her father doesn't expect his affair partner to attend family events, and in return, her mother is civil and polite to her father and doesn't cause a fuss.

Anyway, it's only separate if OP feels it's separate – her father's hurtful, unethical behaviour also impacted on her and the structure of her family, and however she feels about that is valid. So if she feels that her father's behaviour has diminished him in her eyes, that's entirely valid, as is wanting to prioritise her mother's happiness over her father's happiness.

She doesn't 'need' to move forward from a dislike of her father's behaviour, or his new wife – her father needs to prioritise his daughter over his dick, and accept that he's being unreasonable to expect his children to accept his affair partner. Simple.

It is highly irregular, and very pointed to invite someone, let alone someone close, to a wedding without their spouse. I think your mum needs to suck it up for one day.

Depends how long your dad has been married to his wife. If they’ve been married a long time, then I can see why your dad would want his wife there, as as a guest, rather than main wedding party.

Oh I think it would be awful to invite her. I’m so sorry because that doesn’t help you at all but your Mum gave birth to you. Assuming she’s been a good Mum then she may have dreamed of this day for decades. He hurt her, they hurt her and broke what she thought was her life. How awful for you and your Mum. Your Dad should understand why this is a hard no IMO. I would rather have my Mum happy with my Dad absent but only you can decide really.

She is not a “stepmother”. The OP does not refer to her as “stepmother”. She doesn’t want her at her wedding.

It seems very easy. Dad is invited if he comes alone. End of. Mum is invited.