AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I put YABU because I read your title and made an assumption you were the ex wife and this was your kid’s wedding. My bad. Having read your thread I think your dad should just come alone. If he doesn’t want to then that’s on him. If you don’t want a relationship with her and you don’t consider her in the family now, what’s the point of upsetting your mum.

Is she now. Not in my book.

My goddaughter did not invite her DF’s affair partner to her wedding. He accepted that and came anyway.

You’ve invited your dad and he’s given his reply. If you don’t want her there them
n don’t have her there. If he wants to fall out with you about it then let him. It won’t be the first time he’s put his needs first. It’s your turn now.

She sounds very unpleasant and could try and deliberately upset your mum if she attends your wedding. Don't invite her and if your dad refuses to attend, fuck him.

I had this with my wedding 14 years ago, I was too young to deal with in the way I would now. Basically I think both your mum and dad are putting their needs before yours, on your wedding day. If the situation were to happen again for me. I would say clearly for one day they need to put my preferences first and then state what I wanted. The only caveat is if your parents are paying for your wedding.

Your dad is using the wedding as a way to force you to accept her as part of the family.

You don't have to.

Just say no, you don't like her, and she's not invited - end of. Your dad can then choose to come or not come, it's up to him.

Your wedding is such an important and special day - you don't want to be worrying about this crap on the day. If you don't want her there, don't invite her.

I'd be tempted to say:

Dad i want you there... But I can't have your wife, as it would put me on edge all day - she's behaved very badly towards mum over the years... Any more than if the shoe has been on the other foot and mum's new partner called you names every time he saw you I wouldn't want him there so you could enjoy the wedding.

I want you both there to see me married... But. I need to be able to be relaxed to enjoy it on what is such a special day.

This. He’s being very difficult.

If your father thinks his new wife is more important than his daughter’s wedding then I would tell him he can take it or leave it. What a ridiculous man.

Wrong.
OP you’ve said you don’t want her there and you do want him there. He’s choosing her over you which is again as disgusting as he was when he picked her over your mum (and his family) the first time around. Have a wonderful day and maybe your DM can proudly walk you down the aisle.

Given your further posts with info on how she behaves and how you feel about her, no I wouldn't invite her. It might be different if your parents had split organically and moved on in time with new partners. However, your dad betrayed your mum multiple times throughout their marriage by the sound of it, with this woman. He doesn't get to tarnish the beginning of yours with the same woman if you don't want her there. You're not obliged to invite her and don't owe her anything. She's your dad's wife, she's not 'family'.

You are easily triggered. I was simply stating a fact. No need to get worked up.

Pedantic people are fucking insufferable.

I would tell your dad straight. She may now be his family, but she most definitely is not yours. She is simply a woman who your father is married to.

Tell him you would like him at your wedding. If he chooses to put his wife over his daughter, then that’s it for the relationship.

If he can give you an ultimatum, give him one back. Honestly, if he doesn’t bring much to your life maybe just cut him off. I haven’t spoken to mine in 20 years. Life is better.

That's a hard situation, OP. I would find the emotional blackmail, from both of your parents, really disrespectful in your shoes.

I think you have a right to expect both parents to put their personal upset to one side for your wedding day but it doesn't sound like either of them will. So, I would either choose between, as they are asking you to, or not invite either of them.

(I would have asked my mum, as she was the one who stuck by me when my DF left her for another woman when I was a child, but she wouldn't have tried to blackmail me like that).

@Zoobaloo surely this is up to your DD if shes the one getting married? She needs to chose who to invite.

Has your mum not moved on? How long ago was this?

You don’t like her, it will make your mum very uncomfortable, why would you entertain inviting her? I’d let my dad know how disappointed I was in him that he is going to refuse to attend your wedding, minimise contact with him and just enjoy your wedding. Unbelievable behaviour from him. I’d be taking a big step back from relationship with him.

Don’t invite her. It’s up to your dad if he wants to come or not. You are still allowed to not like her and decide whether you consider her part of your family even if she is part of his family.

Essentially you’ve got two competing interests to choose between:

1. your mum’s wish to want to celebrate her daughters wedding without being disrespected
2. your dad’s wish to bring the awful woman who, together with him, profoundly hurt your mum (and I’m assuming also massively had a negative effect on you too)

I’d feel shit choosing your dad over your mum in this scenario. Sorry OP but he sounds like a bit of a pig. And if he chooses not to come he’s confirming that.

Also even if your mum does her best to put on a brave face, won’t it be awkward vibes for everyone if the mistress comes?

It’s a really shit position OP and it’s shit that stuff like this falls on the children to navigate.

But what have you told her regarding why you split up when she was a baby? If it was along the lines of you fell out of love etc, not only is that letting him off the hook, it’s lying to her. You split bc he was shagging another woman while you were carrying her and she was a small baby. It was with someone you knew which makes it even worse.

I can understand you wanting to protect her and to allow her to form a relationship with her dad but you are lying to her or lying by omission at the very least. What do you think is going to happen when she finds out, and she will find out. Don’t you worry her trust in you will be affected in the future? Or that she will be massively affected when she finds out the nature of her dad’s relationship with this woman and their moral characters? It will change the way she sees them and rock all her preconceived assumptions about things.

If she still has a good relationship with his family members won’t she begin to ask questions as to why they refuse to see her dad when she thinks they’re all good people?

I think you may be putting off the inevitable and storing up potential trouble by protecting her from the truth. Do you intend to ever tell her?

I wouldn’t invite her given these circumstances. Your wedding isn’t about her, or your Dad, or what either of them want. Awful of them to try and insist.

Your Father is a selfish piece of shit. If he’s been cruel enough to his own daughter to say that he won’t attend her wedding unless she actively makes the day upsetting for her own mother, then he doesn’t deserve to be there.

Assuming your mum has been a good mum to you, there’s no way I’d do this to her. Don’t underestimate how important children’s weddings are to most parents. If your father would put his wife’s feelings above his daughter’s and emotionally blackmail her on her wedding day, he doesn’t deserve to be there.

You dont like her and you care that it would upset your DM. It would be a hard no from me.

It's up to your DF to come alone or not at all. If he picked not at all, I'd be going very low contact with him.

I’d say just don’t invite your dad. It’s the morally correct thing to do. He doesn’t have to decide to come without the mistress; your mum is protected; the bitchy mistress gets no say.

Then she doesn’t come. It’s your wedding day and you don’t like her, your partner probably doesn’t either if you don’t.
I walked myself down the aisle at my wedding and am so glad I did! It felt like I was meeting my partner just the 2 of us. Put yourself first OP! And I do understand why your mum would find this awful.

@Zoobaloo

Although I appreciate your concern for your mum and you are right to consider her feelings, for a moment just think about yourself. You don't like the mistress. You don't want to have a relationship with her. You don't want her at your wedding, and in future you don't want her around your future children. So, don't have her at your wedding. Begin as you mean to go on.

Your dad disrespected your mother by cheating on her multiple times with this woman so my mind he also disrespected you and any other children he has because he showed that his dick meant more to him than his family. He's continuing that disrespect for you by insisting you accept as family his 'co-conspirator' in breaking up your family. In my book, he doesn't deserve to see you on what will be one of the happiest days of your life, either. So if he decides that if the mistress isn't invited he isn't coming, as far as I'm concerned that's a win/win for you. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. And who don't cause you pain.

You owe your dad nothing, you owe the mistress even less.