AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

This is one of those "superficially easy" (you don't want her there so don't invite her) but "actually difficult" (but that means no dad either) situations and I feel really sorry for you.

I think you probably have to decide how you'd feel without your dad at the wedding vs how you'd feel with his new wife there given her behaviour. If you really want your dad there and not having that would be the worst outcome, have a chat with your mum to explain how you feel and how sorry you are it might hurt her feelings, but you really want dad there and it's the only way it can happen and can she please support you in that.

If you really don't want the new wife there, even if that means no dad, you just tell him "new wife might be his family but she isn't yours, and her behaviour towards your mum has been abhorrent, so clearly she isn't coming. If he puts his wife above his daughter and doesn't come either that's on him". But only do that accepting he will put his wife first most likely.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

It’s your wedding. You invite who you want there. If you don’t want dads new wife, she can’t come. Your dad is entitled to refuse the invitation

Absolutely the right decision not to invite her, then.

Your dad sounds like a complete arsehole. If he doesn't attend it's his loss. Even if he did attend I wouldn't be giving him the honour of walking me down the aisle or doing a speech.

Walk down the aisle with the groom, or with your mum. And ask someone else from your side to do a speech.

Tell him plainly that she's not your family and she never will be. Say if he doesn't care enough about you to come alone then he doesn't need to come at all. I don't think I could stop myself adding in that he's prioritised this woman over his family plenty of times before so this is hardly anything new.

After reading your updates, it's a hard no! Your dad sounds like he is willing to prioritise her over his child and showing no remorse for the heartbreak caused. You say you are civil with your dad, would you actually miss him if he ddnt come?

Off course this is difficult we are talking about her parents and she will feel hurt if her dad is not there and anxious if her mum is uncomfortable. Let's not downplay this because you feel there is one moral way for this. For the OP. This is her life and this IS hard.

It's really not a hard one

"I" would. And DID invite the OM to my wedding. However that was 20 years after it happened and my dad and stepdad are civil and perfectly capable of being in the same room together without name calling.

For you I think you need to ask yourself.
Would you be ok if your dad doesn't attend your wedding?

If the answer is yes - don't invite her.
If the answer is no - I would have a conversation about behaviour explaining no name calling your mother or even hinting at anything difficult. Also I would likely do a sweetheart table and put your parents on 2 different tables so you don't get a issue over her being in the head table.

Your fathers hurt if she doesn't attend
Your mother's hurt if she does attend.

They both have to love you as their child more than they hate their x. So work out what makes YOU feel the less hurt and go with that.

Well that is reason enough not to invite her. Unless your father has been a great father over the years and has had some of your care growing up then I wouldn’t give in to his blackmail. If it has been your mother doing most of your care growing up then I would put her first. My friend’s father insisted that he bought his new woman to her wedding, along with the demand that they both be seated at the top table. My friend just turned round and told him that neither he or his girlfriend were invited.
Who is paying for the wedding?

Team dm, all the way!! Dads new wife must have some big massive balls to want to attend anyway.
If your df chooses her over your big day, then, so be it!!

If he is not willing to put his own daughter above the woman that he cheated with on her own wedding day, then I'm not sure that he is worth maintaining a relationship with tbh.

Make it clear that he is welcome to attend without her but that there is no place for her at your special day.

It wouldn't make any difference to me at all that she is now his wife, because he has already demonstrated that marriage means nothing to him in any case - why would I need to respect his marriage vows when he couldn't even respect his own?

You’ve seen the hurt the affair cost your family so don’t invite her. Your dad should come to your wedding regardless if he partner is invited.

From what you have said, I'd be picking mum. He's already put this woman ahead of his family once, he's just continuing that theme, in a way that will cause you stress on YOUR wedding day.

"Sorry dad no plus ones!' I wouldn't bother getting into it. If he doesn't get it by now, he never will.

Nah. Ball in his court. You invite both, not the mistress. He can decide if she is more important to him than you are.

He's being a cunt, tbh

Your Dad is in the wrong here. It’s your wedding and he’s the one who’s done this to your Mum.

Your Mum is the innocent party here, invite your Dad, invite your Mum and then it’s your Dad’s decision what he does, but if he feels comfortable putting you in this position then perhaps you need to consider your feelings towards him. He is utterly selfish to have done this to you at one of the happiest times of your life.

Your dad sounds like a narcissist, tell him you want your parents there… this women is not a parent. If he can’t put you first then that shows what a knob he is.

If you don’t want her at your wedding don’t invite her. What decision your dad makes is on him

He's married to her now. I'd disinvite the pair of them.

Sorry OP just seen update. I’d tell your dad he is invited but she is not simply because you don’t want her there.

Yes I’d attend regardless because it’s not my wedding, about me It’s for my DC. Hold you head up and go and enjoy your DCs wedding.

She’s his wife now, it’s sad for your mum but I’m sure she’s had to come to terms with it before this. Saying that I do think it’s unfair of your dad but get why (I can imagine the ‘dh won’t bring me to his dc’s wedding’). It’s a hard one op

@Zoobaloo
I would only invite your DD.

There's no way I would allow my DM to be put in such an uncomfortable position, having to share one of the most important life events with the OW.

Awful situation for both you and DM to be put in by your DD.

Not only have the pair of them ruined your DM's marriage, caused her untold pain (I imagine) the new wife is nasty to and calls your DM names, no way would she be invited.

My DM would come first, she'd be my priority.

I can't actually imagine how awful it would be for your DM, would the OW turn up dressed to kill? (to try to outshine your DM)

Would she be loud and proud, make her presence known?

Expect to sit at the "Top" table (she'll definitely expect to sit next to your DD)

Photos, I assume they'll expect to be in all the family group photos (slap in the face to your DM)

There's no way I'd subject my DM to that, it would be so upsetting and humiliating. I can almost feel the knot of anxiety that your DM must have in the pit of her stomach at thought of sharing your special day with these people.

The whole issue seems to be about what your DD and the OW wants, you dont want her there and neither does your DM.

A difficult situation for you and upsetting if you want DD to attend but theres no way would I invite the OW, invite DD then let him choose to come alone or not attend, be prepared for him not to come.

If the OW had anything about her she'd be saying "I won't come because it will be very awkward for everyone"

What an awful position to be put in by your own DF, I really feel for you and your DM ❤️

OP's dad's wife is actively rude and insulting to OP's mum 'like a teenager in high school' according to OP. Even setting the affair aside, would you invite someone to your wedding that will be openly rude to your mum?

What does OP's mum being the 'bigger person' look like? She isn't refusing to attend if OP's dad's wife attends. OP's mum has done nothing wrong. It's OP's wedding and she doesn't want this woman there. That's a perfectly reasonable and valid choice on her part.

If you don’t like her, don’t invite her. Your mum deserves total respect & if DD turns up with the OW, that’s not going to happen. If your DD chooses not to come to your wedding, then that’s on him & it shows he cares more about his OW than he does you. It’s time for him to respect your wishes.

We had this exact situation. Ended up inviting FIL's new wife /ex mistress despite MIL saying she wouldn't come if we did. It was FIL who'd behaved much worss than his second wife (openly stringing them both along).

There was so much resentment there was a huge theatrical build up of how horrible the 2nd wife was which actually spending time with her since she's actually nice. MIL came to the wedding in the end and fully took part, and FIL's 2nd wife sat at a table far away from the main guests. It helped normalise relationships and stop the name calling and they're all now active grandparents to our kids.

Initially we weren't going to invite her but then they'd got married a few months before our invites went out and FIL said he wouldn't come without her. Prior to the wedding MIL never called her by her name, just rude names.

My DH also used to call her horrible names and it's taken him ages to calm down about it. I'd seen how horrible MIL was to FIL in their home before they split so I had sympathy with all.

If you can use it as an opportunity to heal the rift it will help in the long term. Now FIL helps his ex (our mil) with hospital visits etc with the blessing of his 2nd wife so they've all gained.