AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I think it’s your wedding you invite who you want. I know someone who was the affair partner years ago, now married and doesn’t attend her dhs children’s weddings etc even though she has a relationship with them. I think your dad is wrong, affairs hurt people. If you don’t want a relationship with her that’s completely your choice. The affair partner had no right to be horrible to your mum. You need to be able to relax and enjoy your day that is the most important issue. If your dad cannot understand the continued hurt that’s his issue.,

But OP has said that her dad's wife is actively rude and insulting to her mum (OP has described her as 'like a teenager in high school') so I doubt that the event would go off without any bad words if she was invited.

OP's dad has obviously married a really horrible woman and OP should be under no obligation to invite her. If her dad then refuses to attend, that's his decision.

I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school

You don't need invite people you don't like, to your wedding. And you need to point out to your dad that this woman might be his family, but she's not yours.

It’s a big fat no - you need to make clear it’s your day and you invite who you want

I didn’t, but the wedding was only a short time after the affair... I probably wouldn’t have a choice now, due to the time that has past

Be very clear with your father stating that it is your wedding and you want both your parents there and both are invited. However, make it very clear that you have no, and want no, relationship with your father’s new wife and she is not invited to the wedding . It is YOUR day, not an opportunity for anyone to make nasty comments, name call etc. If your father is a gentleman he will acknowledge and respect your decision……if he attends then all well and good, if he declines at least you’ve tried OP but you will know that he has no respect for you.

I attended my daughter’s wedding and my ex husband’s partner -the other woman- was invited. I was nothing but gracious to her… actually, it made me feel superior to be that nice to her, if truth be told,…but the whole event went off without any bad words! It can be done!

"She is your family dad, but she is the woman who helped destroy my family. I will not invite her. I would love if you can attend. I will not seat you and mum together. If you cannot come without your wife, I will understand. But please do not say she is my family again and please understand why she would not be welcome at my wedding."

No! The OP doesn’t even like this woman! Her Dad should be the bigger man and turn up without her fgs!

Oh right, the original post was a mess up. In that case I agree with others, invite your Dad but definitely not his wife. If your Dad doesn’t show up he’s showing his true colours.

I would just say to your mum you would like your dad to be there but appreciate it's difficult for her for the other woman to attend. Hopefully your mum will be the bigger woman. Just make it clear you don't want to invite her but he is your dad and is saying he won't go if she's not invited.

Actions have consequences and those can be years later.

I would prioritise my mum over my dad in these circumstances.

This.

P.s. Why are you letting her get away with calling your mum names. Clearly she is a nasty piece of work and needs calling out on it. She will be bad mouthing you too.

Your DF's now married to the OW so they're trying to re_write history, they want to pretend you're all a happy family and no invite to the wedding shows them you don't feel that way. Tell your DF he's welcome alone or not at all.

Please don't be another person to trample all over your mum.

Moving forward, who will be the person who is going to be there for you when you arrange your wedding, have kids, and have hard times in the future? Is it your mum?

Does your dad help you out at all. Is he paying anything towards the wedding? Has he been there for you?

The adult thing to do is to invite him, and only him. If he declines, that is on him. Get your mum to walk you down the aisle.

It won't stop here. It'll be the wedding, then it will be your kids being told to call her Nanna, and come to the hospital, see the baby and be involved. As an adult you need to draw your boundaries with her now. She may be your dad's wife, but she (and him) took a wrecking ball to your family and your mum. He needs putting in his place too, which is not using threats of emotional blackmail to control how you feel.

As someone who in now in her 50's and put up with a selfish dad and putting a step mum and her kids before his own DC, I can tell you that I wished I had put him in his place years ago and cut him off, rather than do the "pick me" dance for 35 years. I am still waiting for him to put us first before her DC.

It is for the couple to decide on the guests. Talk to your mum. . If including your dad's wife ( the former affair partner) would definitely upset your mum, I would ask my dad nicely if he would come alone and explain my reasoning . I wouldn't invite his wife knowing it would distress my mother.

. It's up to your dad to decide whether he wants to attend his own child's wedding., at least for the service even he is unable to leave his wife at home for a few hours.

My ex had an affair with my best friend and following a horrendous divorce they subsequently married. My DD got married about 15 years later . To be honest I had moved on though I was still angry but it was my daughter’s day. I held my head up high and made sure I looked fabulous. Some of the women who had been mutual friends were at the wedding and I am sure the wife felt their displeasure at her previous behaviour. She looked on edge all day so I don’t think it was a very nice day for her . I did actually speak to her at one point! Support your mum but let your dad bring his wife .

Your dad sounds callous and selfish, and this woman sounds like an absolute piece of work. This woman is not your family unless you want her to be and you are absolutely not obliged to have this woman at your wedding. If your dad insists on putting this woman ahead of you on your wedding day (ie he won’t attend if she doesn’t), then that just makes him a shit dad who doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding.

And as a PP said, the incorrect AI summary will have skewed results. It’s perfectly reasonable of you not to invite her.

Assuming they got together years ago, she’s now his partner. However hurtful his affair was, if your adult child invited her as her Dad’s +1 then that’s the way it is. She’s no longer his mistress which is a very old fashioned term.

Don’t invite her.

This is all your dad’s making and it’s your wedding. Shitty decisions have repercussions and even if it’s many years down the line it doesn’t erase the past.

I think it’s very crappy of him to try and insist like this, it isn’t about him. Sounds as though he is choosing his new wife over you in a sense.

Why would it make a difference if they're now married?

It clearly didn't matter to the OP's father that he was married to her mother, so why should his new marriage matter to anyone else?

Surely marriage is meaningless in this situation apart from the legal protection that it provides?

Then I would get married without him there. 💐

Given your Dad's behaviour and abuse of your Mum during the marriage, I wouldn't be inviting his new wife. By extension you were also affected by his behaviour. They both now want to.continue this at your wedding which given the wife's continued abuse of your Mum has the potential to cause difficulties during the wedding.
It would be a line in the sand for me. Make it clear he's welcome which given his carry on, he is lucky to be invited. He doesn't get to dictate. Under no circumstances is the new wife getting an invitation. I would imagine your Mum wouldn't be the only one who would be uncomfortable with her presence.
On an other note your title is proof that Al is not to be relied on. It has completely skewed the narrative and I would imagine has had an impact on the poll results. Many just respond to title and first post. Your further posts give a very different reality.

Well surely this makes up your mind, she is not in invited. Just invite your dad, if he won't come that's on him. Your not causing the issue, he is. Don't put your mum through more than she already has been