AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I have dealt with this situation. With a wedding and a funeral. It was just a case of no one causing a drama and just acting respectfully towards each other.

Weddings and funerals are not days to kick off or sulk about anything.

IMO he wouldn’t be coming then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I'd invite my mum and him.

Explain you arent interested in a relationship with her for valid reasons.... if he wants to let that interfere in your relationship its his call.

She'd have been welcome at the wedding if she hadn't done x y and z but HER behaviour means you cant reasonably invite her.

Wow, why would your Dad expect you to invite her?!

I'm sorry your Dad and his wife are such lowlifes. He is a prat / they are prats not to respect your feelings towards your Mum here. New wife doubtless feels insecure, given his history of cheating and on-off treatment of her....bit she plainly isn't rising above it.

My (not invited) dad's new wife materialised at the end of my sister's wedding (which was only a couple of years after my parents marriage had broken up and it was all still raw - though the breakup was mutual, it was horrifically messy).

I was a bit shocked, as she sidled into the reception venue to change the new baby's nappy which felt extremely 🤨🤨. Though in hindsight she had probably come to fetch him because he would have drunk too much to drive himself home.

My husbands mum said the same thing before we got married, after a month of her calls and crying that the affair partner is not invited, she decided she will come to her sons wedding by herself after all. Wishing you lots of luck navigating this tricky relationship

She sounds like a fish wife. Who on earth has an affair and then berates the man’s poor wife. Your father should have addressed this at the time. He can hardly be surprised that you don’t want her at your wedding. He’s reaping what he’s sown.

Are you sure you want your Dad there? Is there a chance he will just bring the fish wife anyway if you invite him?

That's a shame dad I'd love to have you there but it's your choice. I have to finalise the food by (date) so be aware that if you change your mind after that you won't be able to come. Bye now.

He was a selfish shit years ago and still is.

If he doesn’t come because the wife isn’t invited, that speaks volumes. He’s putting her above you, just like he put her above his family all those years ago. Why on earth would you put his preference over your own mothers? Invite your dad and if he doesn’t come, it’s his loss and shows what a horrid man he is.

She’s not his mistress, she’s his wife. Sounds like it was all such a long time ago too. Has your mum not moved her life on?

I would not let her come after causing so much heartache and If he didn’t come it wouldn’t bother me, he didn’t think about how it was affecting you either when he kept cheating. My mum is more important to me than any cheating man and I never saw my biological father again after we left our family home after he did the same thing. I didn’t like him and didn’t want to see him.

This is one of the reasons people elope. I know friends who have had this, it made for a really awkward day even though everyone planted a smile on their face. Christmases, christening etc all made really awkward for ever more …

I suggest ignoring the poll. I voted on the information implies in your first post and the situation seems very different.

Given your subsequent posts YANBU to refuse to invite her. It is your wedding you can invite who you like. It also sounds like you are much closer to your DM than your DF. You just have to accept any consequences which you seem happy to do.

This.

Make it clear that his decision can lead to his loss too. Up to him if he wants to come alone or not. The same applies to any future grandchildren. He comes alone or does not meet them.

He sounds like he is being manipulative without realising the potential impact on himself.

Shame, dad. Cheating is never acceptable but had it been someone lovely we may have been able to try at some point. As she is utterly vile I never want anything to do with her. Your choice if you want to have a relationship with your child and any future grandchildren.

Well she's his wife not his mistress now, so she is extended family to you.
. Since you dislike her so much it's arguably reasonable not to invite her, but the price is that your dad may not come, sadly. And your mum will be happier, so... there's no easy answer.

Absolutely. Nothing would keep me from my DC’s wedding day. Nothing

You’re going to get a lot of wrong answers because of the way you wrote it. Writing it like the DC has chosen to invite them when in fact you are the DC and don’t want to invite them will skew people’s perception. I voted you are unreasonable but in fact, when I know the actual story, you are not unreasonable as long as this is your choice and not made in some weird ‘I need to be angry because she hurt my mum way’, and my mum will hate it if she comes (your mum is an adult and needs to get over stuff in life so if you actually got on with the other women, you should invite her.

Your dad’s choice caused a lot of hurt but if she’s still nasty towards your mum I can understand why you don’t like her.

It is not unreasonable to not want her there, it’s your day and your choice. But also, this is your dad’s fault, not the mistresses. He was the one who was married with kids, he should not have pursued anything. Most people blame the other woman, but he is the arsehole.

It's a shame for you that your father's partner is unpleasant about your mother. On that basis I'd probably struggle to be "civil" towards her - but realistically that is going to fracture and maybe even destroy your relationship with your father. It's really a question of how much you want to keep your relationship with your father going.

She is your Dad's wife, you can just ignore her. Weddings always generate family drama, so this would be no different. I would invite her but seat her away from the main table.

Is anyone else getting fed up with posts where people are told to "be the bigger person"? It seems to me that most of the time it means let someone who has behaved badly get their own way again with no consequences. To quote Grange Hill "just say no". 😶

Actions have consequences, your dad behaved badly, you don't sound that close to him, no great loss if he decides to stay home, it will save more heartache later on with, particularly as you don't want her playing granny.
Just tell him that you are not inviting his wife, you won't be changing your mind and you understand if he feels he can't attend. Don't mention your mum, she's suffered enough without more backlash.
He's made his position clear and now it's your turn, you're doing the right thing.
If you have a wobble just imagine your mum's eyes as she sees them arrive, and then as she makes her excuses straight after the ceremony to leave as she feels unwell.

Agree with this. It’s your day not your fathers, and certainly not his “new” wife’s.

1. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

Well it’s not his wedding so he doesn’t get to dictate the guest list.

what do you want? If you don’t want the new wife there then “sorry dad, not happening but would love you to come”

I wouldn't invite her but I would also rescind my invitation to my father at this point for not respecting your boundaries and trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Why would he want to sit through someone elses wedding vows knowing he made a mockery of his own anyway?

No woman should have to be the ‘bigger woman’ to prioritise a man throwing his toys out of the pram. Period.

No. Why would you invite someone you don't like, who is potentially going to upset your mum and spoil your day? If you invite her, you are going to be on edge all day.