AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

In my view the parent making the ultimatum should be the one left out, if anything. I don’t think you have to invite dad’s wife if you don’t want to. When did he leave your mum?

Does your mum have a new partner and will she be bringing them? I assume you don't like this woman either by the way you refer to her as a mistress when they are married. If you feel strongly about it I guess your dad won't be going to the wedding.

It’s also a really special day for your mum; I wouldn’t. It’s up to your dad whether he comes, but in this instance, I think your mum’s feelings take priority.

Congratulations!

My sons wedding was his not mine
I loathed my ex and his new wife and he had turned our lives upside down My attitude after he left me was to hit back by living my best life It was only a few weeks earlier i had become disabled after osteoporosis caused bones to collapse in my leg
I put my best face on dressed as glamorously as possible given i had plaster up to the hip Chucked pain killers down in good quantity Revelled in being carried up the stairs of a castle by hunky paramedics my son had hired smiled widely to all guests except them I did a reading as requested I then had absolute ball with all of my sons friends one of whom sat on my lap in my wheelchair at the reception larking about Did outrageous wheelchair dances and had fun despite hurting deeply inside They hung around like a couple of wet lettuces and no one really wanted to engage with them Sometimes you have to rise above it and be the better person and people wil rally around you

Then why would you even consider inviting her? Just don’t.

Does your mum have a partner? If she does and he's coming to the wedding I think they should be able to all be there if you want both your parents present. If she's still on her own that does make it a little more complicated and i think you'll have to accept your dad probably won't be there.

Your dad is being selfish here making it all about him. You are under no obligation to invite her .

He should but it sounds like he won't. It's her wedding Day and if she wants both parents there it sounds like she has to involve other woman. I just think it's her day and while he is behaving badly she shouldn't have the heartache of her father not being there.

I've been betrayed and I still wouldn't make someone else's wedding about myself. Relationships end, often messily, and life goes on.

Why can't the OP's dad be asked to come alone?

He isn't being asked to make a permanent choice between his wife and his daughter - he is being asked to put his daughter's wishes first on her wedding day. That isn't an unreasonable expectation.

Years ago, he made a choice between his wife and another woman. He chose the other woman. So I see no big deal in asking him to choose his daughter now, for this one day.

I would think it depends on whether you have a relationship with the other woman and if you want her at your wedding.

If you don't want a relationship with her then don't invite her. Next she will be coming your kids birthday parties. Better to nip it in the bud now.

Sorry you're in this position OP.

You don't have to invite your dad's new partner if you don't want to and frankly if you don't want a relationship with her it seems sensible.

It sounds like your mum is saying whilst she would feel disrespected she hasn’t said she won’t come if the AP is there. So even though your mum would be uncomfortable and unhappy she would still put you first and attend your wedding.

Your dad on the other hand is issuing an ultimatum about a woman who he had an affair with and says nasty things about your mum. He is putting AP above you.

I would invite mum and dad only. It’s up to him if he can’t put you first like your mum would and decides he won’t attend. And if he doesn’t attend then I would not let it spoil my day

Oh this is such a tough one and so difficult for you when you should be enjoying your wedding planning.
Pros- your dad can’t really be expected to come alone.
You're asking him to choose between his wife and daughter that’s never going to end well!
Your mum will be happier if he doesn’t attend.
Cons- his new wife has been a bitch about your DM, not acceptable! I’m my DH’s second wife (not mistress we met after he was divorced) and I never bad mouth his ex! I accept he loved her once and she’s the mother of his children so she will always be part of his story.
His new wife isn’t very nice

I suppose it just really comes down to who you want there, do you have someone else to walk you down the aisle if your dad doesn’t attend?
Fo the record if my DH was invited to his daughters wedding and not me I’d of course be upset but would encourage him to go as it’s his daughter!

A decent father wouldn’t be putting you through this.

A decent father would say something like…..of course I would prefer my wife to be there but it’s your day and I’m honoured to be there for you as a guest with or without my wife. I would never react negatively to your wedding wishes. My wife will be totally understanding and i can assure you it won’t change our relationship at all if you want me there on my own. Please tell your mum not to worry about it at all.

I would send a single invitation to him with a note to say that you really really want him to be with you on your wedding day and will be disappointed if he feels his invitation presents an issue to his current wife as you intend no discourtesy towards her whatsoever. You very much hope that he can overcome any difficulty and be there by your side on your wedding day.

I think he already did that when he wrecked his home and insisted on being the other home wrecker with him to his daughter's wedding.

Actually, I wouldn't invite him full stop, come to think of it.

If your dad loved you he would respect your decision, not try to blackmail you into forcing to invite someone you wouldn't have, and that's without your mother's thoughts, you don't like her..

I'd invite my mum and my dad only, if he chooses not to come, that's something he will have to live with.

I wouldn't invite the misstress, and if dad can't understand why, I'd ask him not to come either.

Yep, It's a hard "NO" from me.
Your wedding, your rules. She sounds vile so why should you and your mother be put in a difficult situation for your father's benefit.
If he loves you he will come. He is your family, not her and as much as he wants you to all be one big happy family to justify his behaviour, it ain't gonna happen.

It’s funny how when people realise the original post is not from the mum it’s from the child the views totally change.

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding op.

I think if you want both of your parents at the wedding, and your dad’s mistress is now his wife, then you have to invite everyone, and unfortunately your mum may be upset but it’s your day op, and I think you need to allow your parents to sort it out between themselves and hopefully take the higher ground. It’s not up to you to control your parents’ ongoing relationship is what I mean. They have to do that themselves. Sorry this must be incredibly stressful for you though 💐

If you think your mum may genuinely not be able to cope then you have to consider not inviting your dad and his wife and seeing them for a special dinner on another occasion.

FWIW, a friend of mine in her 60s, attended her daughter’s wedding a few years back, and it was the first time she had seen her ex dh (who had cheated on her multiple times) and his new wife, and she was surrounded with love and support from the whole family who knew the score and she was never left alone as everyone took turns to rally around her.

If anything it was her ex dh who struck rather a forlorn figure bc, despite being remarried, he had made decisions that had alienated him from family and his relationships with his daughters were just not the same and hadn’t recovered and most people thought that the loss was very much his ifyswim,

Name changed for this. I was in a similar situation to you OP. My dad had an affair with a woman who went on to become his long term partner. My mum never remarried.
i didn’t invite my dads partner to my wedding as I was not particularly interested in having a relationship with her and I felt it was extremely disrespectful to my mum. If he has separated from my mum and then got together with his partner, I think I would have felt differently about the situation.
The difference in our situations was that my dad fully recognised the consequences of his actions, and he would have done anything to be at my wedding.
Your father is being totally selfish. This woman is not your family and it doesn’t sound like you want her to be. Invite him only and let him wrangle with the consequences of his actions.

You should totally rewrite this post as it’s confusing compared to what you have explained in your other posts. I voted you were being unreasonable as I thought it was about your children.

I do not think you are unreasonable to not invite your father’s wife. If your dad chooses not to come to your wedding that’s on him not you.

Another vote for invite your dad but not her.
It's up to him.
I'd support my mum too.