AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

I had this and yes she was invited. She was my Dad's partner of 15 years.
Punishing someone all those years later seems pointless to me, for something that really wasn't about me. By making it about me.
I wouldn't have expected my dad to come without her. Are you ready to sacrifice the relationship with your dad to avenge your DM?

Talk to your mum and dad, separately, first. Explain the dilemma. While bearing in mind this won't go away over the years - christenings, birthday parties - it's going to recur at every family gathering.

Not having your dad there is going to be hard too (even if he is being an arse).

MIL's affair partner/current husband was not invited to any of her kids' weddings or GC baptisms as FIL was uncomfortable with it. She did mention that she wanted him there but ultimately it was a product of her decision so she didnt get a choice.

I dont dislike step FIL but DH chose to prioritise his DDad's comfort over the new bloke. It was actually really nice for DH as DH got to see his parents have a nice conversation and get on a little bit which wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I say know yourself and regardless of any threats what do you want? and who do you want there the most.

For me no way would she be attending and if I had to fall out with either parent it would be the Dad in this situation.

I wouldn't invite her, if your dad doesn't come that's his choice.

On balance I wouldn’t invite her but I would try to explain why, and do something separate with them another time. I would make it clear that he’s still welcome but you will understand if he can’t come. I’d really hope that your dad and his new wife would understand how difficult this is.

You may well have a downturn in your relationship with your dad but IMO that’s better than ruining the day for your mum.

In that case if that's what YOU think, don't invite her. It's your dad chucking his toys out the pram, not your mum. Your instincts are obviously to be loyal to her.

Sounds to me as though your dad has always put himself first regardless of your or your mum’s feelings.

Time to take back control of the power he’s had over you. I’d put myself and my mum first in the scenario. If he wants to come alone that’s up to him but he doesn’t get to decide how you conduct your own wedding.

It boils my blood that some men think they can dictate everything and have the control. Sod him (and the horrible wife).

I hope you have a wonderful wedding op.

Then that's his decision.

Tell him it's a shame and you'll miss him and go and enjoy the day with your mum. Your father sounds like an incredibly selfish and entitled man but I guess that tracks with a man who was having multiple affairs. Harsh but true..

Very easy one. You invite your dad, on his own and explain it’s his choice if he doesn’t want to attend, if he’d prefer to choose his wife over his child.

My ex had an affair with a good friend of mine ( not the first as I found out afterwards!) and married her as soon as we were divorced. Even though this was over 25 years ago I still haven’t forgiven either of them. It’s not so much our divorce but the way it happened and how my children were treated afterwards, they were not really welcomed to stay at their new house, never went on holiday with them and her daughter ( same age as my daughter and at same school) bullied my daughter for years.

However, I knew that in time my children would accept the situation especially as they grew up as they did want a relationship with their father. So I’ve had to be at a few family events when they were both there but I just ignore them, as do my brothers and sisters. We are not rude, just don’t engage with them and my siblings make sure I’m not upset.

it’s not ideal but it’s one way of dealing with the situation, it’s been so long now and I’m not prepared to waste my time being emotional, I just live my own life. In reality they have now been married as long as I was to him and I know he thinks we should have a friendly relationship now but I’m not interested.

Oh im so sorry. He hurt your mum and now he hurts you…what a selfish man. If anyone said they wouldn’t come to my wedding unless they got their own way, against what they knew I wanted, their invite would be rescinded.

If your dad is saying he will refuse to come if his wife isn't invited he doesn't deserve an invite. He's blackmailing you. Hardly surprising that a man who had multiple affairs isn't able to prioritise his daughter on her own wedding day.

The point here is, you don't like her. So you shouldn't invite her to your wedding.

Read the whole thread. eta; at the very least all of @Zoobaloo's updates

@CinnamonBuns67 @Neveranynamesleft @Pedant61

The benefit of reading all of @Zoobaloo's updates may inform you differently?

Commenting, without reading the full thread, totally distorts the veracity of it

You got over the affair snd are still married i am assuming ????

why is mistress invited

if you are divorced you need therapy snd s head wobble if its your ex husband's partner

One thing you need to keep in mind - dad might not come if she’s not invited. When my SIL married my brother, she didn’t invite her dad’s wife (former mistress) and her dad ultimately said he wasn’t coming (pretty last minute). My dad ended up walking her down the aisle. It was a lovely day though, everyone had a nice time but she was definitely a bit upset especially considering it was last min.

If my dad had done that, I wouldn’t speak to him anyway so neither of them would be invited, but you do need to consider if you’d be okay with him not coming.

EDIT: Just seen she called your mum names… nah don’t invite her. Anyone who was rude to my mama like that wouldn’t be able to come anywhere near me for their own safety.

No way I'd invite someone who called my Mum names, plus she sounds like the sort of person that would make drama at your wedding. I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress. Let your Mum do a parent of the bride speech if your Dad digs his heels in and won't come.

Of course sheshould be invited. She's not his mistress, she's his wife, and the OP's stepmother. It is simply good manners to invite the spouses of guests. One would hope that all parties could be civil, for the sake of the bride and groom (ie the people who actually matter here).

Her dad will have to choose whether to upset his wife or daughter! If he goes without his wife she will understandably be upset and if he doesn’t go he’s upsetting his daughter!
As I explained I’m a second wife and while I’d be upset to not be invited I’d understand the reasons and I’d be encouraging DH to go for his daughter’s sake. Not all second wives would take that stance, so her dad is in a difficult position especially if his daughter is low contact with him!

I wouldnt give that bitch the satisfaction of missing my child's wedding. She'd love it if you didnt go.
Go and hold your head high. Your daughter is probably feeling like piggy in the middle in this scenario and is very uncomfortable about it all. I expect she doesnt want her dad not to go.

That would be a hard no from me.
your dad sounds like a prick, and I’m surprised you want him there at all to be honest.

tell him that he doesn’t get to decide she “is family now”. He already had a family, and he screwed his family up by choosing to shag around; he’s not screwing your wedding up by bringing someone you cannot stand, and is a reminder of all the pain he caused (and not just to your mum).

If he cares about you at all, he will suck it up, and come alone. If he is refusing to do that, then he is (once again) making it very clear where his loyalty lies.

I hope you manage to have a lovely wedding

Absolutely this, and I’d belling him that in a letter if he declines! Did you go to his wedding to the mistress?

Wild horses would never keep me from my child's wedding. There can be times in life when we have to be the bigger person, stick a smile on our face and get on with it.