AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

P.S. What you are describing is exactly the same situation as our King and Queen Consort were in - people really should forget and forgive over time!

Oh cmon, no marriage split is that simple.

How long ago did he leave your mother?

My mother won't abide being in the same place as my dad, but they divorced over 30 years ago. At this point, she needs therapy. I do not pander to her needs.

Your real choice here is whether you want a relationship with your dad going forwards. He comes as a pair.

The alternative is to get married in private, and avoid the day altogether.

How long ago did your parents split? I’m guessing it’s some time.

and I don’t feel it’s acceptable to keep refering to her as his mistress, she’s his wife.

I think after a long enough period you need to move on and stop taking sides, you know full well marriages are complex, and as much as your father should have ended if and not cheated, sometimes we don’t behave well or rationally.

your mother needs to move on as well, she can’t live her life in bitterness. My friends mum did it, and it only damages herself.

so yes I’d invite them all, this isn’t your circus, not your monkeys.

@Zoobaloo I have been in similar situations- from age 18 my dad wouldn’t attend any event, eg my birthday, without his new partner.
both my parents had affairs and I sort of feel that’s indicative of a failed relationship so I don’t have a strong sense of blame to either of them- however, my dad centering his new partner has been hurtful.
i used to try and accommodate it - I wish I’d told him to come alone of fuck off.
it has simply got worse and worse over the decades- she is the most important thing to him, she gets very emotional and deregulated and has made some important events very awkward because of this.
i now just don’t invite them to stuff - wish id done it years ago.

it’s your wedding just invite your mother and your father and if he chooses not to come.

Why would she even want to go to the wedding? Oh look, this is the family I helped to destroy! Joy and blessings to all on this happy occasion 😂

I’d tell my dad that I’d love for him to be at my wedding, but if he isn’t capable of leaving the house without his wife, that’s a shame.

I think you need to decide what you want - do you want your dad's new wife there? If not, simply tell your dad that and leave it for him to decide. If you do, then you need to speak to your mum about it.

At the end of the day, its your decision and both parties should respect that.

I had a friend in this situation and she invited her mum, the person who had brought her up and done everything for her.

The father refused to attend without his wife (who had actually been quite a mean stepmother to her).

Absolutely not, I wouldn’t invite her. His attitude shows he is minimising what he did to your mother all those years ago if he thinks it’s in anyway appropriate to bring this woman in the same place as her. Also the fact that he is doubling down by saying he won’t come if she doesn’t just shows he thinks as little of you now as he did then when he jeopardised his family’s stability and happiness. He should be grateful he’s invited not putting demands in place.

This sums it up perfectly. It sounds a very difficult situation for your Mum, but both parents shouldn't be putting you in the middle like this. Having said that...if you don't like your Dad's wife at all, and don't really want her there then don't invite her. It's your wedding. If that means your Dad doesn't come then that's his decision.

After reading your updates and now understand that the ‘Mistress’ is the woman that had long term affairs with your Father. He finally put your Mother through a painful divorce and married the Mistress. The Mistress is cruel and disrespectful to your Mother and yet he still thinks she should attend. It’s your wedding and I would tell both him and his Mistress to not bother coming. You don’t need the drama, and his new wife needs to ‘grow up’. Have a happy day with your Mum who was the the one who put you first.

On the basis of your response here, no don't invite her. It's your wedding, you don't like her and given the history there's a high chance she will actively try to ruin the occasion for your Mum.

Tell your Dad he's welcome, she is not invited and it's up to him whether he chooses to attend or not.

@Zoobaloo do you have any kind of relationship with Dad’s new wife/former Affair Partner? On what you’ve said so far, sounds like you don’t, so I would not let my Dad manipulate you into inviting her by threatening not to come. How are things between you and his wife?

On the other hand, depending on how things are, it may be that your Mum has to be the bigger person. But I need a little more background really.

Affair or no, anyone who insulted my mother wouldn't be welcome at my wedding.

Well speaking metaphorically, wild horses would keep OP's dad from attending his child's wedding, the wild horses being his second wife not being invited.

This woman has been actively mean and insulting to and about about OP's mum (apparently she has behaved like 'a teenager in high school') so no wonder OP is so reluctant to invite her. It's her dad who is making ultimatums about not attending his own daughter's wedding if his current wife isn't invited.

If she was his wife and had tried to be a member of the family and get on with everyone then maybe, but multiple affairs and bad-mouthing your mother after helping break up your family, then no way! Your mum would have a horrible day and she's the one you need to prioritise here. Your dad made his decision long ago and can now face the consequences! Good luck.

Similar happened in our family - when bil and sil got married he invited both his mum and his dad (albeit with new partner). It was a good couple of decades since they had split, new partner wasn’t the affair partner.

Mil refused to go to the wrong on the basis of ‘I don’t want to see that man and if you loved me you wouldn’t’ Bil refused to pick sides, said he would do his best to keep them in different places for the wedding but it was quite a small wedding so he couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t see ex fil.

She refused to come to the wedding, got very hurt and upset by it all and couldn’t believe that bil held to inviting both parents. And of course Bill was very upset that she didn’t come.

our wedding was the next family one and again we said both parents are invited. But ours was a bit bigger so we could say e would do our best to avoid milk needing to be near fil so she did decide to come having realised that she had been so sad to miss the other wedding. But then bil didn’t come as he was so upset that his mum was coming to our wedding but hadn’t come to his…

think the moral of the story is to invite who you want to be there - if you don’t want your dad’s new wife there then don’t invite her but it’s up to him whether he turns up - and if he doesn’t then shame on him.

Hope you have a great day and many congratulations!

This. You don’t want anyone at your wedding who is already known to be a trouble causer, especially if there’s a chance she would be cruel to your mum, of all people. Invite your dad without her, and if he doesn’t go, that’s on him. This is entirely a problem of his making, after all. After all the heartache that’s been caused you would think your dad’s partner would have some self-awareness (especially as you don’t get on with her) but she wants to go anyway, so I don’t think it bodes well for her behaviour on the day.

My DF didn’t attend my wedding in similar circumstances.

He continued to be desperately selfish and put his own needs first until the day he died. He didn’t even see any of his grandchildren. It was tough and it’s sad, but it was all choices he made.

You and your mother were his “family” when he totally disrespected you both and had an affair.
It is your wedding day and invite who you want. If he pulls a stroll about her not being invited, let him.

You really have no clue how affairs affect people, or perhaps you were the OW in a marriage break up?

It his decision to not attend your wedding. It’s your decision to invite whoever you want. I had something similar with my parents. My dad would be invited to Christmas and birthdays, his first question was, will your mother be there? He would then decline, if she was. He was the one having an affair, so I thought I was being generous inviting him in the first place. OP, as your mother, I would be extremely upset if this woman was invited and in view of the name calling etc both you and your DM will be on tenterhooks all day.

OP has mentioned the new wife makes nasty comments about her DM, present tense. Ongoing behaviour does make it different to something firmly in the past. You'd have to worry whether she was going to start running her mouth, nobody wants that on their wedding day.

Nothing would stop me going to my child's wedding. Your dad says his new wife is family now but she's not your family . Remember this is your wedding day and do what you are comfortable with not try to please others