Is this Mumsnet for me? Shocked at responses

I've had three horrible experiences when posting difficulties. I had hoped for advice.

A stalking landlord who I should tolerate.

A house that didn't sell and was encouraged to post a floor plan that was reversed searched and all sorts of assumptions made about me. That was super weird.

A family member that called in a loan early during my cancer treatment. I was called a fraudster and a bad mother. I was being abused at the time by the family member. That was probably the nastiest set of responses.

I now change names frequently. I keep two I've had for years on specific boards.

Otherwise I advise a thick skin and don't post on a Friday night. It's brutal.

Years ago people would tell you to go to Nethuns… MN isn’t for the faint of heart, especially AIBU

it seems mods either don't read the context or don't care.

In reply to a query, mods replied that they don't read context, just the stand alone post. Which defeats the concept of fairness, hence posters will use reporting to censor posters who disagree with them.

Mumsnet is lightly moderated, deliberately. There are Talk Guidelines but if you think you have been attacked, you need to report a post. Generally, if someone is getting very unfairly treated, other users will report the post. Robust argument isn't attack though, and posts including swearing or being unkind won't generally be deleted.

You can swear, but not at someone.

People don't have much time and often a sweary response is more honest than a finely crafted one.

Also, if you're someone who is offended by swearing, you're not going to be much use to others from a 'support' perspective. This is life, the way many/most people live it. If you want things sugar-coated or want to sugar-coat them yourself, you're fundamentally not cut out for honesty.

This is a site for grownups, they tend to swear at times. If you don't like it, find somewhere else.

Have you been on the receiving end of unpleasant posts? I’ve left MN a couple of times when it got nasty, then have an extended break and come back with a new name. I find that helps.

Some people are just miserable snarly tosspots, and like to vent said tosspottyness at the most minor of things. But I find that the majority of people are fine.

I regularly leave for months and come back because there are threads and forums that have been really useful (the one for parents supporting A levels and uni applications have been brilliant) and downright funny if you have got to know the key posters there. The support for the specific parenting issues I have, has been really good and affirming. I’ve learned so much about how to parent my SEN children through their challenges as a result of the feedback, suggestions and links/research/books people have recommended.

However, I find the knee-jerk reaction to hate men indiscriminately unstomachable and the ‘is he/she autistic’ responses to abusive and nasty spouses or violent children shocking. The attitude towards SAHM is deeply misogynistic and unfathomable since this is meant to be a space where women are supposed to be supporting women and the whole point of feminism was that women should have choices about how they live their lives - and be respected for those choice… but not on MN. Being a SAHM means to you are lazy and financially leeching off your DH, who absolutely could have had his career, children, home etc (with the 18hrs days and global travel) without you there as his linchpin. Actually, having a decent loving DH who values you and your contribution to family life, and [gasp] voicing that really NAMALT in real life so that you can say to an OP that she absolutely should walk away from her abusive partner and find one of the good ones is utter heresy! And god forbid you ask whether it is unreasonable to be spending more than £100 to feed a family of 4 for a month.

Hmmm… I feel a little break from MN coming on. LOL

I have learned you have to be thick-skinned on here. I post the most innocuous questions on here and I get hurtful replies; some enough to make me cry, but then I am cursed with a sensitive nature! I mostly go on AI chat sites now and they are amazing. I don't know how I'd have coped without them with things I'm going through.

I’ve posted about very difficult situations under various usernames over the years. I’ve had some awful responses. I do think some posters are quite cowardly, as I doubt very much they would respond in such a way in person. But feel safe to pile on and be aggressive behind the safety of their keyboards. Under the guise of ‘telling it like it is, not mincing words’ and other euphemisms for plain nastiness. I guess they think they’re being very clever.

I may be wrong but I assumed OP might not be sufficiently familiar with Mumsnet for that, and she seems to have put lots of posts on other people's AIBU threads complaining about the responses so that seems the most likely option

*thank fuck

MN is moderated, very strictly imo. If it’s swearing you object to, this might not be the site for you. One of the things I like about MN is the swearing. No one wants to have to type c*nt, as that’s just mimsy.

'Cuntychops' is a great word.
Swear words are just that, words, and like all words what matters is how you use them.

There’s nothing wrong with swearing and it’s quite childish to be bothered by words.

I think we see the best and worst of people on Mumsnet and I get what you mean, sometimes I’ll go ages without looking and only seem to comment when I’m feeling brave and often regret it. However, the support in times of need is wonderful.

If you can’t deal with people being unkind and swearing then get rid of your phone and get off the internet. Thats how it is.

If you can’t cope with swearing then you’re definitely on the wrong forum.

Name change

Some are just twats for the sake of it. Probably bored kids.

I assumed so but checked and it doesn't look like it. OP has posted though that she finds people saying "Don't be ridiculous" disrespectful on an AIBU thread 🙃

Honestly, OP, it doesn't sound like you should be on the AIBU board at very least. Saying "Don't be ridiculous" is really quite mild.

I do think that one of MN's strengths is that people are actually allowed, to a point, to demonstrate how stupid they are, by voicing such things, kind of like the pros and cons of cancel culture...but yes its a fine line

I thought the rules on here were that swearing was fine, as long as you’re not swearing directly at another poster?

I fucking hope those are the rules, anyway.

Over moderation ruins discussion as long as the posts are not deliberately illegal/offensive/harmful anything goes.

It's also hard to judge tone in a text format which can make posts seems more argumentative or aggressive than they are but the MN system is far better than the Reddit voting system which destroys discussion and creates a hive mind or cult of popularity situation.

Swearing is only words