To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

Office job paying 100k, and you still couldn't manage on that huge amount of money?

No chance.

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

no harm, no foul @spicysugarbb

"Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status"

Have you discussed marriage?

Yes read her posts, she’s unemployed, he gives her an allowance and plays for her accommodation.

@minipie@IDasIX
I guess if this goes on for 10-20 years I’d have like to have received some more substantial gifts (house?) than simply jewellery.
Otherwise if this ends sooner I’ll be young and attractive enough to find a similar arrangement.

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal
I do want children. But I don’t want the sort of life where I’m rushing out of the office to make nursery pick-up, throwing together dinner after a 10-hour work day, trying to cram family time into a couple of hours before bed, stressing about childcare every school holiday, or saving all year just to fly economy.

I’ve watched someone very close to me live like that and it just isn’t the life I want. If I’m going to have children, I want to be comfortable. I’d like to be around more, not constantly worrying about work or money, and to be able to enjoy things like travel.

If I’m a mum, I’d like to be comfortable (housekeeper, easy access to childcare, time and money to look after myself too) rather than constantly spinning plates.

@minipie@IDasIX
I guess if this goes on for 10-20 years I’d have like to have received some more substantial gifts (house?) than simply jewellery.
Otherwise if this ends sooner I’ll be young and attractive enough to find a similar arrangement.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

I'm not sure I understand. Did you give up your job? If you did that's crazy.

As to your question, you're both adults so I guess it's not really anyone's business what you do. But since you asked, I think it's nuts to throw away your best years on a man twice your age. You say you weren't living the life you wanted before. Is this the life you want, now? Being basically a kept woman?

@minipie@IDasIX
I guess if this goes on for 10-20 years I’d have like to have received some more substantial gifts (house?) than simply jewellery.
Otherwise if this ends sooner I’ll be young and attractive enough to find a similar arrangement.

I don't have a view on your own relationship with him, but you might be interested in the perspective of someone who's in a somewhat similar place to your partner's kids.

My parents were the same age as each other, worked, rose their family. My mum died when we were older teens, sooner than any of us would have expected.

My dad found another partner, a woman perhaps 10 years younger than him - so not a sugar baby. However she lives in a luxury fashiony type town, in continental Europe, like Milan or Monaco, and is generally very "fancy" - she likes the good life. I think she too would find a 100k salary as a single person so ludicrously low and "not the life she wants" that she thinks it nothing but reasonable for someone else to pay her bills.

Her and my dad have had an absolute ball - he's retired, has been quite well off in his time, they have had fun, done cruises, casinos, generally lived it up. I am happy to see him happy.

However he is now ill and we are looking at his finances. He's burned through loads of money and has not much left. I don't expect an inheritance but I know he will leave a chunk of the remaining money such as it is to his partner. There will be almost nothing left of 30 years of absolute graft on the part of my parents.

The reason I am angry about this is not that I want his money - I don't, it's his - but more her inability to understand where the money came from and her sense of massive entitlement.

We were there when my mum got up at 5am to commute into the city while also raising us, and while dad worked late into the night on urgent contracts. We were there for the painstaking discussions at the kitchen table about whether to expand the business and take on more risk, work more hours, or take a lower risk path. We were there for things that went wrong and things that went right. We saw my parents as a team.

She on the other hand is very entitled, very dismissive of my parents' efforts, and because she has basically been a ligger all her life she has no sense of how hard won this all was.

She'll get my dad's money, of course, but I can't help feeling sad on behalf of my mum, and the younger version of my dad that I remember, who worked for their family and lived a true and meaningful partnership of equals. I feel the money is wasted on her as she has no sense of its value yet at the same time sees herself as a massive catch, only prioritises money, is disdainful of people less visibly well dressed as she is (read - covered with stupidly expensive high fashion brands). My attitude to her is basically "she can have it, but it's a bit rich to swank about so much when she didn't earn it, and her value system is fucked."

My father is much diminished in my eyes with his new found chasing of status, bling, showing off and fancy clothes. His shallow but flashy partner shows an unpleasantly shallow and misogynistic side to him. He's wasted the fruits of my parents' effort in their marriage. To me he is a less admirable man now in many ways.

Maybe your partner's family see him the same way, think less of him, and mourn that.

Maybe they also see you in this shallow situation and conclude that you are happy with an emotionally rather limited life.