AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until an adult.

I can vividly opening my Christmas presents one year and saying, in a very grumpy and disappointed voice, "I've already got this game!"

Luckily, the gift giver wasn't there to see my reaction but my parents still took the time to explain that the person didn't know that I had the game and it was very thoughtful of them to get something that they thought I would enjoy.

Autism is no excuse for rudeness. Parents can help autistic children to cope with social situations by practising in advance.

Many autistic children won't be able to fake enthusiasm but can learn to say thank you politely. If that's not good enough for the gift giver then it becomes a them problem.

My son is AuDHD and we have had this issue many, many times. As others have said we keep him before hand and discuss acceptable responses.
He went from not being to fussed for gifts then one year tearing through without really looking or responding. I was really cross and pulled him up on it. His response was 'I knew what it was straight away. It's a ......and it cost.....and it was on page .... of the Smyths catalogue ' 🤣 In his eyes he didn't need to spend a long time looking at it especially when there was a bag full to get through. The same year he picked up a jumper and said 'clothes?! Boring' I nearly died.
We are a few years on now and he is much better at responding in a socially acceptable manner (with gifts if nothing else!)

Meant to add*

If your child can write, a thank you card is always a good idea even if the gift giver was thanked in person when the gift was opened.

It's a skill everybody has to be taught. You need to teach your child. Practice appropriate responses before birthdays, Christmas, etc, and do a pep talk before the guests arrive. Then prompt him when a gift is opened if necessary.

Whoever brought up your DP dropped the ball. Do the relatives comment on his lack of manners?

I agree with waiting to open gifts later, so you don't have the awkward reaction.

But I'd also try to have an agreement with family that they ask for suggestions instead of buying random stuff. Random presents are often just a waste.

I'm NT, but I don't much like random presents as I really just want to say "why would you think I'd want that?" I think it stems from my grandmother repeatedly buying me tat jewellery and giving my brother £10, because she couldn't buy him jewellery. I would have much preferred £10.

My ND daughter doesn't like surprises, even when I know I've chosen something she would want, I tell her in advance because she is happier that way and I respect that preference.

This is something you have to teach your children they don't do it naturally

As other posters have said, you'll have to train him respond appropriately. What can also help mollify feelings is you sending the giver a photo of DS using/playing with the gift along with a message saying how much he's enjoying it. If it's grandparents or older generation, you could get him to do a card. Or a " thank you" in Lego or something.
I've been quite put off giving presents to people who don't acknowledge them.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be encouraging lying but saying thank you can be taught as a rule sometimes I think. Even if he trots out “thank you very much for your present, it’s very kind of you” on repeat I think that’d be great.

Have you taught him to smile and say thank you for a gift? If not then you need to. It’s important for all children to be taught manners and basic social etiquette

Autistic or not, he needs to exist in the world, and appropriate responses to things, even if initially alien, need to be worked on? That’s my view anyway.

You teach it explicitly and coach phrases that he is comfortable with and can say sincerely. You might also be able to reduce demands eg by asking for presents not to be wrapped up, and setting things up so he opens them over a few days or something. Prep him that a gift will be coming, maybe have a plan on when to open it so he doesn't have the extra load of the surprise.

Obviously not all autistic people - someone needs to master more important things like "no" first. For some people, moving away from something unexpected or overwhelming is a communication success and should be treated as such. But if he's able to engage and communicate enough that it's appropriate to expect it, coach him to say a sincere "thank you" and perhaps a stock genuine phrase like "it was very kind of you". It might help to spell out to him that he is saying thank you for the kindness of them thinking of him and going to the trouble of getting the present, not for item itself.

We may have briefly practiced with comically terrible gifts - a fork, a flowery handbag.

All of this will get easier as he gets older and hopefully more able to communicate what is difficult.

You can still teach someone to say thank you even if you don't like it.

Maybe reframe it as being thankful someone thought about you instead of encouraging them to say no I won't play with that, I do think that's very rude. Hardly will win any favours in making friends in the future. We all have to go about in life doing things we don't like or situations we don't like.

That's life unfortunately and it's an NT world whether we like it or not.

You need to teach him appropriate behaviour, set expectations beforehand and intervene if he’s not giving the appropriate response. I spent a lot of time at that age talking about the gift “doesn’t that look great, let me see it, have you said thank you to auntie Jean for such a kind present”. You need to be actively involved in him opening presents, saying thank you and give him some strategies to use when disappointed with his gift.

It's difficult and it is linked to their ASD. One of mine can smile and say thanks. The other cannot fake anything at all so even a thanks will still be offensive to those who want an over performative gushing response. Luckily our family are all understanding. They also know if they buy anything unexpected the reaction isn't remotely reflective of whether my child likes it or not, they need time to process something unexpected.

It seems really crappy to encourage someone to lie, like they are excited to receive something they do not want. But this is society rules and most of us adhere to them.

However, to me manners are extremely important. Being ND doesn't exclude you from having manners! I am often more polite than the NT people around me.

You can encourage him to say thank you for my gift at the very least, even he does not feel excited about them or love them. You are not going to help him socially in the years to come if you don't and just encourage bad manners.

You can say to him feel free to tell us (parents) how you feel in private but encourage him to say thank you for the gift at the very least.

Autism isn’t an excuse but it is a different way of viewing the world and understanding the expectations of others. Our ds didn’t understand present giving so we did lots of modelling behaviour, making sure that we said thank you.

When he eventually was able to verbally communicate I remember ds telling people that he already has that toy or saying that he didn’t like something that he was given. He wasn’t meaning to be rude, he was simply saying what he thought without realising that this may upset people. Again we modelled the behaviour. We said thank you and then put it to one side later on when the gift giver was gone.
DS didn’t know how to act in certain situations so we showed him.

Now that he’s an adult he will say thank you but will sometimes follow it up with a text later as that’s his preferred communication method.

I agree with PPs that opening gifts in front of people can make the process of receiving gifts incredibly stressful for ND people, especially on birthdays when they are already potentially out of routine, having a lot of additional attention on them, and knowing that their reactions are going to be scrutinized.

While he can and should be encouraged and supported to manage his responses, I also think it would be fair to change things around so he's not opening gifts in front of people until he has mastered that art. It is his birthday after all, so if you can reduce one source of stress, that would probably be a good stop gap.

I’m not sure anyone should be expected to be ‘excited’ or ‘grateful’ for anything unsolicited, let alone a 7 year old with possible ASD. Gift giving is so fraught with social expectation I wouldn’t chastise him for, what in his world, is just stating the obvious “that’s not what I’d play with” or “I don’t like that, it’s rubbish”.

I can remember being exactly like this as a child (NT) and it annoys me still even as an adult that we have to be automatically ‘grateful’ even if a gift is thoughtless, poor, totally inappropriate etc. I think what would’ve helped me as a child is some role-modelling and kindly explanation as why that might be perceived as impolite and how to be more diplomatic and charming. Don’t teach him that his thoughts are wrong, teach him how to reframe them diplomatically. It’ll be a skill for life.

@RunningOnTeaAndHope it's a skill you need to teach him.

My DS2 is autistic and struggles with social interactions and reading people. He tends to study gifts rather than react to them. The only reactions we generally get are super excited or super stressed, so no reaction to a gift is quite normal unless it was something he desparately wanted.

Absolutely. DS2 has autism and while yes, it is important to ‘teach him the appropriate way to respond’ autism is by its nature a communication difference!
I think explaining to family members clearly that autism affects communication is important, but also explaining to your DS that people make an effort to buy presents and it’s polite to be appreciative of their actions even if you don’t like the present.
DS2 is nearly 16 and he mostly expresses appreciation now. What helped was partly adjusting our own expectations, not putting pressure on him to open presents all at once, being explicit with gift givers about what he would like.
For example, DS2 hates gift cards and vouchers as he finds it really hard to choose what he would like, so we ask people to not to get them.

Yes you should be preparing and pushing him to react appropriately don’t become one of those parents who lets a diagnosis become an excuse for bad behaviour and rudeness .

You should 100% be pushing him. Of course he reacts differently due to his diagnosis, but you are doing him no favours by allowing him to ignore normal social interactions, when from the sounds of things he can definitely be taught what other people see as basic manners. If at 7 years old his own extended family are getting audibly irritated with him, it is not setting him up for successful relationships with people in the future. He needs how to learn how to interact with his peers and adults if you want him to be able to make and keep friends etc in the future.

Yes! Preparatory chats!
DS is 30 and we still do them, though mainly reminders of who’s who and good people to hang out with.

Jimmy is Sarah’s son, and he’s a good bloke to sit quietly with.

We used to practice with things that were obviously not good gifts e.g. one smelly sock. You had to say an enthusiastic thanks then a reason why it was a good present.

I hate opening presents in front of people I have a terrible poker face.

You need to try and teach him to at least open it, and then a thank you aunty Casey. For each gift.

And avoid opening presents in front of people wherever possible.