AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

Has anyone else experienced this with a child who is autistic, ADHD or AuDHD? How did you handle family members who interpreted it as bad manners or lack of gratitude?

Yes - DD who just looked totally nonplussed with every gift and although she tried hard, just couldn’t use the right tone of voice to sound pleased or even slightly excited at the gifts she’d received. Gps would ask me if they’d bought the wrong thing as she seemed so underwhelmed and I’d have to explain that it was all part of Autism and that she’d have great fun playing with it all later, which she always did! As she got older and I would ask her what she wanted for Xmas, birthdays, she would say ‘nothing’, when I asked her why, she said ‘ I just don’t want anything or get excited about presents’, so we settled on giving her Amazon/kindle vouchers where she could get what she wanted, when she wanted it.

You know it is possible to be AuDHD and be rude, right? Not mutually exclusive. Teach him politeness before the great big angry world does.

Brilliant !
wouldn’t have worked with my lad until very much older as he had no generalisation skills.

but if they do that’s perfect !

Good solution unwrapping elsewhere later but a lot of gift givers, especially grandparents get the joy from seeing stuff opened. Plus calling/writing with a note could be a mission too far. Probably easier to teach an automatic thank you until
they are a bit older. Parenting autism is very different to parenting non autistic kids.

I had no idea how much until my sister had kids who wernt properly autistic ( well one is adhd and one is aspie but it’s like night and day in terms of sheer long term slog).

Well, full marks for honesty Pigriver junior! 😉

I agree but you do need to think about whether the capability is there, if there are learning delays or language issues which tend to accompany autism. But I agree basic manners at the level they are able to learn at are non negotiable. Even my friends caring for severely autistic adults will prompt them to say thank you if they have any speech. Yes it’s an often robotic copied response but that’s still an effort so I appreciate the effort from
the carer and the person they care for.

They're right, it's rudeness. Not being NT is not an excuse. This is our job as parents to teach them social skills and manners. If someone gives you something, you smile and say thank you immediately. Even if it isn't what you wanted.

You aren't thanking them just for the gift, you are appreciating that they got you something at all. They might have got it wrong but the thought was there. They tried to make you happy.

If you continue to make excuses and allowances for him, you do him no favours. No one will bother with him, he will be seen as rude and ungrateful. This will hinder his relationships with his family and eventually his friends too. You need to equip him with the skills to form and function in relationships.

I don't bother with one of my nieces (11) because she is always rude, much the same as your son. I don't get her anything and I don't bother seeing her. Most of the family do the same. She is considered a waste of money and effort as she doesn't ever seem to like anything and never thanks you.

I used to give her money in a card but her bad manners have pretty much put me off now. It's her parents fault for not raising her better but she is the one ultimately impacted by her poor upbringing.

‘quirky rather than rude/brutal’
lol love this. Yes this was exactly my aim and I’d have similar conversations where I’d explain it was a social expectation and he’d sigh and say ‘is it ‘social’ again mum?’ and I’d sympathetically say ‘yes kiddo, social makes the NT world revolve and you want to be in that world sometimes so you gotta speak the lingo’
It was literally the only way I could get him
to engage with social skills stuff.

I think non autistics often completely miss how irrelevant this stuff feels.

You have to doggedly train your kid and if you’re lucky they might get it on an emotional
level one day too and reward all your hard patient work :-)

You're right, it is exhausting, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do it. I'm autistic too and I am getting increasingly sick of people saying "but I can't possibly be expected to do that, I have autism."

You must teach him the appropriate polite responses.

Autism is not an excuse for rudeness. I say that as someone with autism whose natural instincts don't always conform to societies expectations 😂

He needs to learn to smile, say thank you and be polite. He doesn't need to give his opinion or tell someone their present isn't what he wanted.

You 'stopped putting her through the pain of surprises' and you think this will help her grow and be comfortable in the world she will live in for all of her life?

We are talking about saying thankyou for a gift.

But it’s really not difficult to say ‘thank you’.
For anyone.

The way I see it, teaching him basic social graces will mean that he doesn’t become lonely and isolated because he rubs people the wrong way.

It’s for his benefit. I’m definitely in the camp of not forcing autistic people to mask but there are nuances.

Your family are being unfair (assuming they know he’s autistic). But you do need to teach him
appropriacy although it may take a while to bed in, depends on how well he learns different types of things.
unfortunately children are often too honest and our autistic children are too honest for longer!
Model the correct behaviour and redirect him
and if family make these comments again (and I hope it’s not in front of your son) maybe just explain he is taking longer to learn social norms and if they find that hard to accept then it’s better not to get him
anything or just something small that won’t upset them so much if it’s ignored or rejected. My son loved opening presents for the sensory aspect but unless it was something connected to an interest he’d just put it to one side (eg: one year all he wanted was blue shoelaces so nothing else registered. My mum, who gets autism, got him the blue shoelaces and was suitably rewarded by his absolute joy)
It took a while to teach him to pause, say thank you, before moving on to the next thing.
and then in the days and weeks after he’d just be focused on one thing, so I learnt to put stuff out of sight and introduce one new thing a week. It’s overwhelming for them and actually he’s doing ok and he will learn if you keep to consistent modelling and corrections - but it’s not a quick fix. Autism is literally a social and communication disorder primarily so expect the unexpected and prepare your relatives for the same. Judgement won’t help or teach him the correct response.
Oddly my son got better at receiving presents once I started helping him get presents for others. I think he really got a kick out of giving so somehow that fed back in to his understanding of reciprocity.

he’s been in charge of his own gifting since he was 17 and gets some really ‘out there’ gifts but he’s put thought in to it and that’s really what it’s about.

all this stuff is really heavy work if you are on the spectrum.
find strategies for educating your family and choose your friends wisely. Your son will be ok - slow and steady wins the race and you need supportive people along for the ride with you. Good luck with the assessment. FWIW your DP prolly a bit speccy too. My DP also very under reactive to gifts although he’s improved over the 25 years he’s known me. Takes time ! ;-)

One my children was like this, still is actually and is NT. Their face is very readable an if they don’t particularly like something their expression can show that. What worked for us was not opening gifts in front of giver, but to always say thank you and that they’d open their gift on their actual birthday, or on Christmas Day - if given beforehand, or that they were going to open gifts later. They would then always write a nice thank you note or as they got older send a text message. We were fortunate though that most relatives put cash in an envelope rather than an actual gift and cash was always well received.

I’m autistic with autistic children. You have to teach the ‘correct’ response which is ‘thank you’.

He probably can’t see the point in lying but you can explain to him that it’s the thought that counts and that even if the present wasn’t what he wanted, the person’s intentions were good.

That's really fun and a cute way for kids to learn 'thank you, that's lovely' regardless of emotions. I wish I'd heard of this before!

This is painful to read. As a nearly 60 year old autistic woman, I recognise all those 'you should be polite, show some manners, behave appropriately' tellings off. Why? It's so exhausting having to learn the right scripts for everything, remember how to deploy them properly, and 'fix your face' to look convincing. I believe it was my attempts to stay on top of this endless game of masking that made me develop a very deep seated anxiety. What if I forget the appropriate reaction? What if I accidentally upset someone? What if everyone just thinks I'm rude and, therefore, a horrible person?

Thing is, gifting should be graceful not transactional. I don't believe expectations should be attached to it, otherwise it's just a kind of contractual exchange. Giving a gift is just that, all about giving, nothing to do with receiving - validation / gratitude / sense of satisfaction / whatever.

Anyway, one of my daughters is also autistic. We stopped putting her through the pain of surprises when she was about seven. Made everyone much calmer and happier.

Even NT children need to be taught to say 'thank you' for gifts. I know a fair few NT children that can be dismissive if the present isn't EXACTLY what they asked for. But ND children tend to have less of a filter. My AuDHD eldest DD took a while to learn that she wasn't being grateful for the gift, per se, she was being grateful that someone had remembered her and bought something for her.

She is much better now, even if she does only ask for things for her new garden.

I always feel embarrassed when I get presents especially when younger. I’d go silent and say thank you then leave. I’d feel nervous because everyone would be staring at me. I’d open it later when they were gone. I am not autistic. My daughters are the same way with other people but different with us! It’s an unlike of too much attention for us three! I’ve taught mine to always smile and say thank you.

You need to practise with him saying thank you and remind him beforehand that if he doesn't want it he should still say thank you politely and not mention he doesn't want it. Regardless of ASD this is one of the simplest social scripts to teach and there's really no excuse for him not having learned it by now.

My son struggles and it takes him longer to learn social skills he is 13 and today when invited to someone's house for a play date he said oh no in a voice that made it seem like the worst thing ever suggested the child who invited him was also neurodivergent fortunately didn't hear what was said didn't understand meeting someone then inviting them straight over to your house doesn't always end well its all practice practice social skills practice responses he attends a special school and they work on it a lot

People are so weird about gift giving. Mine are autistic (now teens), and learnt early on about smiling and saying thank you when they received a present, but actually don’t like getting presents at all from certain family members as it causes them so much stress in case their reaction is ‘wrong’. The family members’ lack of consideration and inappropriate expectations extends into other things and my kids choose to interact with them as little as possible.

Yeah this is absolutely something you can practice.

i taught mine to say thank you even if they hated it and we had a system where if they really hated it/it was a duplicate (pil were horrendous for this) I’d give them the money and sell it on eBay.

in the end they were more enthusiastic about the stuff they didn’t want and you could see the pound signs in their eyes

I’m in my 60’s and no matter what words I use, my face always gives the game away when I don’t really like something.

To be honest, I think if a gift giver has major expectations of gratitude from the receiver, then the problem lies with them.