AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

My 6 year old daughter has PDA but can be relied upon to be polite and have good manners when the occasion calls for it.

Well for me, personally I was diagnosed as being autistic at 37 and I have 3 autistic children - it’s genetic. When I think about who I was at school with, I can identify quite a few others who likely were also autistic.

So it is more common than people used to think but that doesn’t mean it’s not a disability. The diagnostic criteria is very specific and should involve several professionals at least who all agree with the findings of the others.

Do family members give him gifts who. you are not expecting them to? If so, I’d explain to relatives that he needs a little time to process it - but he should always say thank you.

Before Christmas and birthdays you need to prepare him and as a pp said, get him to think about what the gift giving involves so he is aware of that.

My DS2 had to be told not to mention the amount of money he’d received when he was roughly your DS’s age. I explained why we don’t list how much people have given - after one awkward birthday moment! I practised with him how to respond to gifts before his next birthday.

What a load of ignorant bollocks 🙄 do you know anything about autism?

But I can’t be the only one thinking that we’re medicalising personality traits. Oooh I’m so adhd, no you’re just disorganised. Ooh my child may be ND, or they might just be shy. I get that the falling through the cracks is accurate, but equally everyone and their dog these days is ND. I have myself wondered if I am ND but after speaking with my GP I think it’s more likely than not a combo of my existing MH problems (anxiety and depression) plus personality traits (procrastinating, introversion, etc)

Anyway, sorry, just thinking out loud 🤓

You haven't taught him to say thank you yet?

That's probably why he doesn't say thank you and everyone thinks he's rude 🙄

Autism is not rare. A lot of people used to fall through the cracks.

My (almost) perfect dd 11 cant always manage fake happy. She will say thankyou but she just doesnt get enthusiastic about gifts. She is sensitive, loving and kind but if you give her a gift wanting a wow this is amazing reaction you will be disappointed. Often I only know later what gifts she liked based on what she uses. I would say she is not materialistic. I wouldnt judge any child in my family based off their reaction to my gift. Think saying its spoiled or ungrateful is unkind and not needed. If they say thanks with a smile then thats enough. I dont go on about it with her because i find any criticism genuinely hurts her feelings and does make her feel bad. She knows to say thanks and thats enough imo.

I’ll get mobbed for this but I really can’t help saying it. Is there anyone these days, adult or child, who is not “awaiting an autism and ADHD diagnosis”?

You just need to teach it as a reflex. He receives a gift, he smiles and says thank you. The same as you teach him to wash his hands after using the toilet, or to shut the door when he gets in the car.

My son is ND and struggles with this, however it’s a good opportunity to teach them about empathy and appreciation of others.

Encourage him to think about the person giving the gift and how they have taken the time to choose, wrap and deliver a gift. Help him understand that it is the act of giving that he is thanking them for, rather than just focusing on the actual gift. Phrases like “isn’t it nice that this person cared about you enough to do xyz” really help them understand the social aspects better.

Involving them actively in giving gifts to other people can also help as it gives them insight into the effort involved and how the gift giver might feel.

It’s not about forcing them to mimic a socially acceptable response, it’s about teaching them to think beyond their personal feelings about the actual gift and be empathetic to people around them. Too many ND kids are raised in a bubble where the focus is so exclusively on them and their needs that they risk becoming very self centred and entitled.

Why are you straight up making excuses for your son? Get him to learn some manners - it’s nothing to do with his „needs“. Unless he’s non-verbal and struggling to cope in public I think it’s a good idea to teach him some social skills. It will give him a frame work for reference when he comes across new situations/people.

The thing is, as the autistic child gets older, they are going to encounter all sorts of people who aren't going to be as understanding or considerate as their grandparents and it's doing them a disservice not to teach them how to respond appropriately to the best of their abilities.

Finding something difficult and stressful doesn't mean you can just opt out, even if you are autistic. Life is all about going through certain cues and niceties - you don't have to understand them but you do need to be willing to go along with some of them if you want to be part of the world you live in.

teach him some manners - after all, the assessment might not conclude that he is autistic or whatever, and even if he is, it can’t hurt can it?

Well, unfortunately, for the Grandparents they might just have to go without the pleasure of seeing it opened and a genuine response. It's just not possible for some people. At best they'll get a badly acted, scripted thank you from a stressed-out ND child. If they're kind grandparents they'll take the time to understand how his ND brain works and look forward to hearing a little later how much he enjoys the presents they sent. It's important to be a good and polite gift giver as well as being a polite gift recipient.

Well, exactly. There's a difference between deciding something as an adult and deciding that your child doesn't deserve the chance to learn social rules because they're autistic and it doesn't come naturally to them.

My parents were like yours and drilled into me how important it was to do certain things even though they felt unnatural or weird to me.

Well you can say that but then you need to accept that it will isolate you from
the wider NT world. This probably suits many autistic people anyway but that’s a choice they can make as adults when they are able to understand the consequences.

as crap as it is we all need to learn to fit in to wider society if we are capable of learning that. I agree with the woman ASD 60 who posted before but i‘m also pragmatic and know that while my son and I are both natural loners we do sometimes want to have social contact (and yes is hard work, and tiring but usually rewarding if chosen rather than forced).
if my mum hadn’t taught me and I hadn’t taught my son this stuff in childhood, life would look very different now and would have been harder than it already was.
sometimes you need something and have to cross the bridge and communicate with the species on the other side

Coaching, lots and lots of it. Used to get mine to pay for their things in the shop, make them get their books stamped at the library desk. Just anything so they can practice social skills. Teaching them to be tactful, well mannered and aware of social norms will be of great benefit.

Good luck.

One dd with ASD here. Suggest you role-play it op.

I took my dd visually through a set of drawings of a relative or friend:

1. thinking of them and and looking at the calendar and their birthday date coming up
2. thinking of presents they might like
3. going to the shops and browsing or looking on-line and choosing
4. getting out a purse and paying for it
5. getting it home and wrapping it
6. writing a card
7. travelling on the bus or in a car with the present to deliver it or putting it in the post

And once all of that had been explained, my dd with ASD understood the logic behind thanking someone for their effort and time even if she didn’t like the present itself! Plus we practiced a few stock phrases. And she got it when she saw she didn’t have to lie! And we discussed what thoughts are appropriate to share and which are not and in which specific situations.

I think your family are being UR my son is diagnosed Auadhd and whenever he gets a gift I always say say thank you and my family respond to me in a seemily annoyed voice “he did he did say thank you straight away!” Sometimes in the chaos I’m not sure if he has or not and I see it as my family being loyal and understanding of my son.

Like anything, ND or not, you simply show him how to act. Let him know when someone gives you a gift, say thank you.

Maybe something is missing op, you’ve not explained how you’ve taught him how you manage it in the moment, do you remind him to say thank you there and then, speak to him about it, practice with him, remind him before he gets gifts?

it kinda reads like you just let him do as he fancies and don’t help him, which I’m sure isn’t true,

Have you ever heard of social stories?

They are an extremely useful tool for teaching children social responses