AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

100%, it’s another demand and expectation on a child who’s nervous system is struggling with it. The praise and delight upon receipt of a gift are only for the adults benefit.
yes, some ASD/ADHD children can be told or instructed to act a certain way and manage it but it’s purely hollow. Some children will just be feeling intense pressure of expectations on them to behave a certain way, as if they don’t experience that enough in their day already. We shouldn’t give gifts for a certain reaction anyway. Fairly obviously from my post it might be clear I have a child myself with these diagnoses and I have found that often gratitude and delight can come a little later for gifts and things. There have been christmases/ birthdays where some things have been acknowledged a few days later with pure joy because they’ve had time to process. Never underestimate how stressful changes in routine like special events can play havoc for some.
Beong given presents is overwhelming and embarrassing for some and that’s if their brains are typical!

Regardless of extra needs? My 7 year old is autistic and non verbal, how should I teach him to respond to gifts?

You seem to be suggesting a trained response: get gift, say thank you. A bit like a dog: sit on command, receive treat. B F Skinner calls this operant conditioning. There's some great studies around about how you can train most people to do almost anything with operant conditioning - the Milgram Experiment springs to mind. Not 100% sure that society should be advocating we seek to have everyone trained in this way.

He should have been taught to say thank you long ago.
Good manners are really.important to me and clearly NOT to far too many people, as people always seem surprised by/pleased with how polite my 8 year old AuDHD twins are.

2 out of 3 of my kids are diagnosed ND. My daughter is more aware of social expectations than my son but it’s never hurt to have a rundown of rules and what to say to people before a party or similar. He doesn’t always get it right but he does a pretty good job most of the time but doesn’t always sound as sincere as other people might. But it’s as important for him to learn these things as it is for other people to accept him for the wonderful but socially awkward person he is by nature.

Might be more than just about the gift? I find it’s the surprise that can be hard to handle. This can of course also apply to other stuff like mealtimes and visitors etc. Family rules can be helpful - polite thank yous after you’ve opened a gift, being allowed to not love/keep a gift once the relative has left, keeping surprise gifts to a minimum and low cost.

All children need to be taught to say thank you.
Just teach him a polite smile and a thank you and then maybe send the relative a video of him playing with the gift later on.

Or have a pack of little thank you cards that he can write later on

I agree. I find it strange that by the age of 7 the op hasn't started teaching her child to say Thank-you. Children are not born with manners. They need to be taught ND or not.

Right, but the fact that someone has slower processing doesn't mean that they can't eventually learn the reflex of "receiving gift = saying thank you". It might be harder. It might take them longer. They might get it wrong sometimes. But they can still learn.

OK, I'm going to take each of these in turn:

But it’s really not difficult to say ‘thank you’.
For anyone.

Actually, it is. If you don't have the social script, then you don't know what prompts a thank you and what doesn't prompt a thank you. Think of it like this: Most people, when they're walking along, don't have to think about picking up their feet, in the right order, and putting them down again, in the right order and in a particular way. It's just an unthinking thing that we do. We half-knowingly, almost subconsciously, avoid hazards. My son is epileptic. That bit of his brain isn't there. It's not automatic for him. Therefore, every step that he takes is intentional. Now take a load of the social things you do, and imagine that every single one of them has to be intentional. It actually is quite difficult. Some understanding around this would be appreciated by all those autistics who find it difficult.

You 'stopped putting her through the pain of surprises' and you think this will help her grow and be comfortable in the world she will live in for all of her life?

Yep. She's now in her 30s and earns an extremely high wage working in IT. She's pretty darn comfy. Engaged to be married. Your point is, therefore, lost on me.

You're right, it is exhausting, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do it. I'm autistic too and I am getting increasingly sick of people saying "but I can't possibly be expected to do that, I have autism."

Thing about autism is that we don't all have identikit personalities. The people annoying you, who also annoy me, are basically 'refuseniks'. But there's a difference between excuses and reasons. An excuse is something that's using some weird flimsy evidence, e.g. 'I don't have to do that because I'm autistic' or 'You should do that because it's what nice people do.' Both are just junk. There's no logic in either. A reason, on the other hand, is able to use evidence and explanation to prove its point, e.g. 'I'm autistic. I find surprises really hard to deal with. This is probably because I have slow processing speeds and this means that I panic when I'm put on the spot and so shut down or seem to say things without thinking. Therefore, it can be helpful for me to have thinking time as this effectively stops me blurting stuff out that I don't need to say and you don't need to hear. Thank you. Anything that I can do to support you, as well, please just let me know.' This invites people to me, in advance, and reduces surprises. Hope that helps.

It doesn’t really matter though if he isn’t “trying to be rude”. He’s being rude. Regardless of if he has ADHD or whatever, he is going to have to learn how to interact with people in a proper way, or no one will like him. I would switch your focus on how to instil manners in him, instead of putting the blame on your family.

Having autism doesn't mean you're incapable of saying please and thank you. It's also not a get-out clause to be rude and ungrateful to people.

I say that as someone who has autism and who was raised in a family full of people with autism.

Exactly! All you have to do is say thank you. We all have to live in the real world, people will think you are rude and ungrateful if you can’t say thank you.

My DS is diagnosed with ADHD and he's the same with gifts - he often has a strong imagination of what he expects to receive and then feels strong disappointment in the moment when he doesn't receive that thing - but then later often absolutely loves the things he did receive...

It doesn’t matter if he’s AuDHD or not, you should be teaching him about how to act in social situations just as you would with an NT child

My DD does not have an autism diagnosis (although she definitely has traits, as does her father; I work in education so know how hard a diagnosis is and she’s very high functioning so we’ve spent her life helping her learn and cope with social situations because even with a diagnosis she’s have to).
We learnt very young that she did not cope well with surprise gifts. Because ….. she didn’t want the thing. If you got her something and she hadn’t asked for it she’d say ‘but I didn’t ask for this’. She wasn’t being rude she was being honest. I think she was also worried about having to have and play with something she didn’t want (and maybe us saying ‘well you don’t need a doll because you’ve got one, but that wasn’t the one she wanted, etc).
We taught her very young to say ‘thank you’ for gifts. We said we could sort it out later if she didn’t want it. She was fine with that. We also asked close family not to get her surprises. They were fine with that (for the most part, they at least always kept the receipt!)
Her dad is very similar. If I gave him a present he didn’t want (or need) he’d say ‘why?’ Again, polite to others as an adult should be.

If you think about gift giving it’s an odd one really. Someone is saying ‘out of all the toy cars / tops / dolls / handbags (etc) I think you will like this one best’. Often without even asking you if you want one never mind if you like that one. I can see why a child who is more rigid in their thinking might find the whole process bizarre.

If he likes it later maybe you can take a photo of him playing with it / wearing it or whatever captioned that actually he does love it.

I had to tell my dd at that age that even if we don't like the gift we are saying thank you for the thought and effort someone has put into giving us something in the hope that we will like it and get joy from it. That is why we say thanks. And if we don't like it we don't need to say that we love it but we also don't need to say anything bad about it..

Having said that at 7 I think your relatives are a bit harsh on him. Nd or not obviously 7 years old are still learning about manners and might not always get it right.

It's something you need to both manage and teach him.

My oldest doesn't do poker faces. She's not ASD, although has some traits, and we practiced as others have said managing an enthusiastic thank you. One thing I did that helped was said to her that we could always exchange a gift.

You'd see her face getting tearful, which could be really awkward. Turned out rather than her being upset at getting something she didn't like, she was upset because the person had wasted money. So we decided what we'd do in those cases was work out someone who would like it and then the money wasn't wasted and she had the pleasure of giving it - and she loved giving presents.

My youngest has ASD and we had a couple of times when he was very blunt, however more that he does not do enthusiastic opening ever. Even if he really likes something he'll probably just say "thanks" and put it to one side. So part of managing that is if he needs to open presents in front of someone, which he doesn't like doing, then make sure the giver is aware that he's not going to burst into tears of joy, clutch it to himself and promise never to get rid of it. That's my middle one's approach to receiving presents!

So he’s got to 7 without you or his dad teaching him basic manners? Sorry but this is appalling parenting.

That was probably me as a child, my parents were older and naturally older grandparents too.

They never bought me what I actually wanted and what my friends were wearing/playing with/watching etc. They always thought they knew best and bought what they wanted not what I wanted. I remember saying things like, "oh that's not the one I wanted, I wanted the red one this black one is no good" much to my Mother's horror🤣!

He (and his dad) need to learn to perform the appropriate response.

A polite performance of gratitude has nothing to do with what they actually feel about the gift - just as people asking ‘how are you? Or ‘All right?’ don’t really want to know how you are, or whether you’re all right.

Young children can get away with honesty, older ones will be perceived as rude. All social behaviour is learnt, for all of us. It’s just easier for some of us to learn than for others - so effort is required.

My AuDHD son was taught manners so he always knew to say thank you when someone gave him something, regardless of what that something was.

Having a diagnosis of AuDHD doesn't mean manners can't be taught and good behaviour can't be curated.

My neighbours child has Autism . If l gave him a present or a treat he would never react but his Mom would say " he is smiling on the inside" which l totally accepted. We cannot expect with autism to react like other children. Also my nephew said some very direct things to my mom when she gave him clothes instead of toys..she thought it was hilarious and he is now studying for a PHd and has wonderful manners. Kids are not always prepared to toe the line and its not the end of the world.

No, it’s not ‘rudeness’, because that implies a deliberate act and there’s no intent positive or negative behind the immediate reaction from someone with Autism.

It’s about time you put your thinking cap on and actually considered life from the perspective of someone who is wired very differently to yourself. They’re not snubbing you deliberately at all but just not reacting in the way you would like them to.

It’s actually much easier for you to control your own reactions than for someone in a wheelchair to get up and run a marathon. And you’d accept the limitations of the person in the wheelchair, wouldn’t you?

Your comment reminds me of certain types of folk that go to church every Sunday and they’re the most insufferable and obnoxious people you could ever have the misfortune to meet. They feel themselves superior and you should hear them slagging off their neighbours and friends, but they’re sweet as pie to your face.

I for one, have had enough of judgmental arseholes like that, thanks all the same. ☺️

i have a child with autism he’s now 8, we discuss how to accept gifts on the way to see family when it’s birthdays or whatever. Yes he struggles but it’s no excuse to be rude. The discussion on how to accept gifts must be no more than an hour b4 we see relatives or he’s forgotten.