AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

Yep that’s it. Hear it all the time from friends and colleagues etc. Their child would just be shy or a procrastinator or rude - and they’d be ohh they’re suspected (lol) ADHD. Or you know you just need to do some parenting? If the only thing you have to go on is a child’s procrastination or them talking over others or something (just making up examples) then why the hell was autism your first assumption?! Hardly anything to go by.

Yes, you might practice and practice and still sometimes he might but overwhelmed or not manage it, like all kids sometimes can’t. But it’s still worth trying!

This. The education works both ways with family members. My DS6 also does not always show joy/excitement in his face. (Several times we've had to ask "are you ok?" when he's being doing an activity he loves...) I tell family about this. I also discourage unexpected gifts because it sets up an element of the unknown that can be hard to manage (am I going to get a gift? What if I don't? What will it be? Etc).

Some autistic kids really cannot deal with presents, especially wrapped ones, because it's too many unknowns and I think close family should accommodate this.

But also, I absolutely remind my DS6 who can manage this about socially expected responses. And I'm quite honest about the white lie! I explain that even if we don't like a gift, or we already have it, we say thank you because we are thanking them for the effort as well as the gift itself.

I used to pre-prep my dc for recieving gifts too, and give them a script to use.

But your family could be a bit more understanding too.

I think my dc are quite polite generally, but I have a vivid recollection of dd2 at age 3 (who we now know has autistic) crying and crying on Christmas day because she received extra gifts as well as the doll she had asked for, and she was overwhelmed. She wasn't being rude.

Everyone with autism is affected differently. Many can learn to say thank you appropriately (including my two) and this is important through life.

However birthdays (and other occasions like Christmas) can be very stressful. They are off routine. There's the pressure of being expected to like gifts, and demonstrate that. Surprise gifts with a social pressure of appreciation before you've had chance to process the situation. The expectation that despite all this pressure, you're supposed to have fun and be hapy and show it.

Autism can affect body language and how that interacts with feelings (and may not present in a conventional way). There's having to filter your thoughts and feelings if they don't meet society's checklist. Where some people can mask through that, it's exhausting.

While parents should do what they can within their child's needs to help them live with the world around them, equally if relatives care about a young autistic family member, they can also learn about that child's needs and how they may differ from typical behaviours. Logically, if a 7 year old can overcome a social/ communication disability, their adult relative must surely be capable of learning that their presents don't have to be recieved with performative gushing enthusiasm too...
If a relative is more bothered about a lack of enthusiasm than the wellbeing of their young relative, that's not particularly polite either.

Yes, this ^^ a gazillion time over!

I'm so fed up of people telling me that they think their chid has ADHD because of their poor behaviour - maybe they do, maybe they don't, but a bit of parenting wouldn't go astray /tangentover

The comments on here prove exceptionally well why our children with needs need intelligent, informed support.
To most of the commenters, ts not your fault, you just don’t know any better yet.
perhaps with time you will gain understanding and knowledge and even better tolerance of what you don’t get.
Dont ask our children to learn from you if you aren’t smart enough to learn from them
Good luck!

You are quite right OP you need to teach him the response you want him to give so it becomes automatic for him. Maybe teach his dad too 🙂

Exactly. The number of people on this thread who are willing to write their autistic children off as incapable is so depressing.

Yes, they may never understand the real ins and outs or the whys, but that doesn’t mean you can’t teach them what to do in different situations - in fact, you are massively letting them down if you don’t.

I was watching a TikTok account recently with a young adult with autism and his parents were still working on teaching him how to behave - it’s a lifelong process for many but their dedication and insistence that he could learn was heartwarming.

It’s because they’re people not dogs that we teach children manners! There’s a difference between learning to consider other people’s feelings and behaving politely and coming to heel or whatever. Writing a child off as unable to learn consideration or empathy because they may or may not end up with a diagnosis of autism is just not fair to the child

It's worth explaining to your DS that adherence to social niceties makes everyone's day a bit less stressful. Explain how it's done and he'll probably be very happy to do it. Speaking here as the parent of a DS9 AuDHD PDAer who genuinely means well and is happy to be polite.

7 might be a bit young and your DS might find them too girly, but I've found Noël Streatfeild's books (Ballet Shoes, Curtain Up, The Painted Garden, Apple Bough, When the Siren Wailed, etc.) really helpful for DS learning about social niceties, what others are thinking vs. how they behave, etc. They're also useful because they almost all have "fake" nice people in them which is useful for discussions about genuine vs. fake behaviour vs. social niceties, and why people behave like that.

My son doesn’t look excited when opening presents because he’s autistic and doesn’t really do facial expressions. We have taught him to say thank you though . you also might need to talk to family and explain it’s his disability and he’s not being rude or entitled.

You are the problem as op stated she will start teaching him to say thankyou. Multiple people on this thread with autistic children have taught them to say thankyou to gifts. Saying he/she is autistic so can't help it without even trying is the problem. This is something most people teach their children from the start, op child is 7 and has never been taught this so obviously doesn't know to say it manners don't come naturally in any children its something they are taught

You’re glossing over the the fact that every single person on this planet has to be taught things whether they have autism or not - none of us grow up instinctively knowing manners or social niceties, we’re taught them by our parents, teachers and peers as we grow and learn.

I’m autistic myself by the way and am incredibly grateful my parents didn’t just brush me off as being incapable of learning basic niceties just because of my diagnosis.

This in spades.

It amazes me how many parents - both NT and ND kids - seem unaware of the fact that it’s their job to raise their children to be functioning adults, as much as is possible. The number of parents who don’t instil manners or correct bad or dangerous behaviour is baffling.

A particular mum at the school gate has a 3 year old who zooms around and causes havoc. She just stands there and tells everyone how wild he is while he makes a beeline for a busy main road!! It doesn’t occur to her that she can do something about it, or that she has any authority over or responsibility for her own child.

In your quest to be contrary you seem to be suggesting that it's in a child's interests not to make him aware of how to navigate the world he'll actually have to grow up in.
If he goes out for dinner and doesn't say thank you to the waiter, friends/dates will think he's rude.
If he gets a job and doesn't say thank you to someone who trains him or helps him with a task, people won't want to help him and his life will be harder.
Would it be better to learn to say thank you? Or in your view is it better to outcast yourself lest you become an automaton

Agreed. Everyone seems to be, then moaning there is a waiting list.

Also any excuse for any kind of behaviour, yet “on the waiting list”

They’re people, not dogs.

The ignorance and refusal to learn on this thread is so sad. And quite pathetic

You seem to be suggesting a trained response: get gift, say thank you

yes, exactly that.

Nobody is suggesting we create automatons who would electrocute another experiment subject or blindly obey orders.

The vast majority of children are trained to observe social niceties and it does them no harm whatsoever. Waiting their turn at the playground, refraining from snatching toys, saying please and thank you even for passing the ketchup, raising a hand before speaking in class, etc, are all explicit taught by conscientious parents and by teachers.

A potential ND diagnosis does not excuse a lack of basic manners. All children need to be taught to be polite, it's not natural or instinctive to any child. If he doesn't automatically say thank you, you prompt him to every time.
If he doesn't like the gift, you teach him that he still has to say thank you and to acknowledge and appreciate the thought and effort behind it. Sometimes relatives press for a verbal reaction, they say "do you like it?" or similar. I told my black/white thinking kids to find anything about it they did like so they could truthfully say something positive "that's my favourite shade of blue" said about an ugly jumper, for example

You receive a gift, you say ‘thank you’. Easy.

My 9 year old autistic son would never and doesn’t respond appropriately to gift giving.

he has a Pathological demand profile so even the idea of teaching him to wouldn’t work. He can’t cope and manage the expected demands of social norms. We don’t even give him suprise gifts ourselves.

he chooses everything. Nothing is wrapped. Most of the time it’s just there as if it’s always been there.

I don’t actually allow anyone to give him gifts now directly it upsets him to much. Family etc they will hand something to me. I’ll always say thank you but they are placed like they have always been there

Well, that's what happens with NT people. They learn that they have to say thank you when they receive a gift, just as they learn to say please when they want something, or excuse me if they need to interrupt someone.

People with autism might find it harder to learn those responses, but doesn't mean that it's impossible - and yes, that might mean training it. That's why we use social stories - to explain to them that when X happens, they need to do Y.

That's how my parents taught me and it's how a lot of autistic people learn the rules of society.

All children need to be taught to say thank you

Mine can’t talk. There are many, many words I’d like him to say before ‘thank you’.