AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

Up to this point in the posting there were many posts either directly criticising his penis or encouraging OP to trade insults, while others were telling OP her bar was on the floor if she had sex with him again, and that sex would be off the table for a long time, if not permanently. So the comment was actually accurate.

If we’re going to be entirely truthful about the response OP has had then we have to acknowledge that some posters are just here for the entertainment value and have no interest in actually helping. Some are projecting from what are clearly weak marriages and others have very obviously not read all of the updates, including the one in which OP says she and her DH lost a child to cancer - an experience which changes your whole outlook on life and puts your priorities into sharp focus. Which possibly explains why OP isn’t as keen to blow this out of all proportion and introduce the MN recommended amount of discord into what sounds like an otherwise strong marriage which is likely even stronger for the tragedy it’s endured.

This feel like a weird thread. Most people would have immediately reacted negatively to such a horrible comment. They also would have the had sex again the next day as if nothing had happened.

How seriously is your husband going to take your hurt when you do those two things?

Sensing a power imbalance in your relationship and / or low self esteem, OP.

Wonder which one it is?

She appears deliberately evasive and detached for several reasons

• Regretting Over-Sharing: She realizes she handed internet strangers the keys to her most intimate vulnerabilities (her postpartum body and her sex life). By acting obtuse, she is mentally stepping back and putting up a wall to stop them from digging any deeper into her life.

• Protecting Her Ego: Admitting that the commenters might be right—that her husband's comment was deeply disrespectful—means she has to face a painful truth about her relationship. It is much easier for her to act like she doesn't understand the users' outrage than to accept that her husband deeply humiliated her.

@Poppingby ,

‘have you witnessed the birth of your own two children?’

Yes! That comment made me chuckle. I would have to either be an extremely inexperienced obstetrician or a very strange guy if I’d witnessed the birth of someone else’s children.

‘If so, you have to acknowledge that the choice to have children is a different choice for men than it is for women. The impacts are far greater than earning potential and a couple of days' hard labour, too. I'm not going to engage with your view on Western women delaying childbirth.’

Yes. I think it does vary according to a lot of factors and that is not always the case, but on average it is true.

’I don't dispute that the OP is entitled to her own feelings about her own situation and I never did. But I would say that women are subject to a whole load of societal expectations that men are not subject to and finding your own true feelings amongst those expectations is not always straightforward.
As a man you have a different experience of societal expectations around labour, childbirth and child rearing and I'm sure you don't disagree. I'm not saying your experience is easier but it is different.’

Societal pressures are very different . I don’t think either sex can easily empathise with the other over childbirth etc. But I think there are also lots of unacknowledged societal pressures on men. If that weren’t the case men would be far happier than women, and they aren’t.

I do think that there is a degree of disingenuity regarding the OP. So many have basically hammered her for her approach and said she ‘should’ be more offended, have withheld sex and talked to him earlier. But we don’t know either her or her husband or what is right for her.

And I know this is AIBU but that is ‘am I being unreasonable’, not ‘give me an internet bashing’ .

Robustness is good, some of this thread reads more like bullying to me, which isn’t good.

Op well done in standing up the the internet bullies. You’ve handled this thread admirably well. With grown ass women hurling abuse and insidious comments at you as you won’t behave the way you wish.

it’s utterly shameful what you’ve faced.

it’s clear you’ve a happy marriage, the comment was insensitive and hurtful but far from the norm and you’ve addressed it in your own time with your husband that works for you.

well done. As the saying goes, don’t let the bitches grind you down.

I am confused too. The cynical part of me is wondering if the OP is fishing for compliments on how she dealt with the situation? i.e. by talking it out calmly with her husband.

In one way I do commend the OP for her communication style but the human (and maybe the no more people pleasing part) is wondering why always we the women has to be the bigger person?

Yep, this. And there’s lots of anecdotal evidence available online to support the fact that it happened for decades. The only reason there isn’t more in the way of supporting medical evidence is because the practice was very much frowned on and denied, so how can you launch a study into something that didn’t exist. ?

have you witnessed the birth of your own two children? If so, you have to acknowledge that the choice to have children is a different choice for men than it is for women. The impacts are far greater than earning potential and a couple of days' hard labour, too. I'm not going to engage with your view on Western women delaying childbirth.

I don't dispute that the OP is entitled to her own feelings about her own situation and I never did. But I would say that women are subject to a whole load of societal expectations that men are not subject to and finding your own true feelings amongst those expectations is not always straightforward.

As a man you have a different experience of societal expectations around labour, childbirth and child rearing and I'm sure you don't disagree. I'm not saying your experience is easier but it is different.

@Poppingby ,

I don’t deny any of what you say. I have witnessed two labours and it is incredibly hard.

But it is both natural and, these days, mostly a matter of choice. And a lot of the risk is because we westerners delay giving birth until beyond when it is naturally safe.

I think most get huge congratulations on the baby, along with care and gifts. Although, clearly the baby is ultimately what most women labour for, certainly I doubt their thoughts are giving their husband the baby, as implicit in the gratitude statement.

People are creating a lot of ‘straw men’ here. My argument was with the statement that he should be ‘in awe’ and grateful for her ‘giving him’ 3 babies (I think she actually had four but one sadly died, reading the thread.)

I am neither diminishing how hard labour is nor how having children often affects women’s earning potential. I acknowledge and agree with them.

However, that doesn’t mean that they don’t choose to do it even without men. And, even when we get to the stage of men being able to give birth (I don’t doubt we will, sooner or later), I doubt many women will choose that their husband takes on that role.

And, as for the OP, I have been genuinely supportive of her throughout this thread, l think what he said was horrible, but I have been supporting her as an individual with her own relationship and views, not as some idealised woman who ‘should’ take a certain degree of offence or respond in a particular way and at a particular time.

I admire the way that she has approached it and wish her well.

We can agree to disagree.
Pregnancy and giving birth is a hard slog. We are amazing to take that on. Yes it’s natural but that makes it no less amazing.

And by “for him” I meant that it’s a conversation/decision they’ve had to have children but it’s the woman who has to do the work. Put our bodies through the mill, feeding round the clock, the bulk of childcare and mental load. Careers and pensions take a hit. Women go through far more than men by dint of having children. It shouldn’t be the case but it’s reality for most still.

So yes, her husband should be in awe of his wife and think she’s a superstar for giving birth to 3 children. Recognising that our contribution is far more difficult on us than it is on men. Not complaining that his sexual experience is no longer what it was.

Anyway I wish the OP well. I miss those baby days!

They call it labour for a reason. It is hard, dangerous work whether or not we have evolved to do it. Hard work can be congratulated and valued. As women we do congratulate and admire each other for getting through the labour of giving birth because however it occurs it is seldom EASY to do or to recover from. That's why we tell each other our birth stories and sympathise over mostly how horrible they are. Traditionally you, if you are a man and you seem like you are, would not hear about it. That is changing and that's a good thing.

So fuck off explaining internalised misogyny about childbirth to a group of women who have mostly given birth basically.

Emphatically not an old urban myth, it happened to my friend who I have never known to lie in my decades of knowing her, and she was traumatised by her subsequent inability to have sex. I do not appreciate women who have been through any sort of trauma being told they are lying without strong evidence that they are. If you truly believe a surgeon in the 1970s would not say or do this, you need lessons in medical misogyny, on which I unfortunately became an expert from my own experience. I was born in the 1950s.

I am impressed by friends who give birth, actually. Pregnancy and childbirth take an enormous toll on the body (and often the mind), and to get through that is impressive. Just look at women who have c sections, and then in the wake of major abdominal surgery, instead of resting, are expected to care for a newborn!

My husband was very grateful that I shouldered the burden of giving birth, considering he can't do it and it was the only way we'd have children. Yes, I was happy to for my own sake, but that didn't lessen his gratitude. And he said he found the way I handled labour (and major surgery) to be incredible, as I feel most decent men do.

Humans are different to most mammals, as our babies' heads are nearly too big to fit through the birth canal. Without modern medical care, the mortality rate is high, and even with it, serious injury or permanent damage can occur, resulting in pain, incontinence, nerve damage, etc.

I'm not sure why you want to diminish what women go through when having a baby, particularly on a thread where a husband insulted his wife's body for changes caused by childbirth.

Well now we know where we stand! Beneath cows...

Pregnancy and birth - and I am sure cows deserve the same consideration - is hugely impactful on a woman's body.

I don't think people are suggesting gratitude in the sense of a service performed, but a bit of respectfulness of the toll it takes, both physically and often psychologically. Yes, it is natural but then so is death, and none of us downplay that impact.

@OtterlyAstounding ,

‘So you think husbands should be unimpressed by their wife giving birth? That's certainly an opinion.’

It certainly is. I very much doubt you are ‘impressed’ by your friends who have children for merely having them. People only say this on here to criticise partners.

It is amazing (well, not really, but judging by that comment ) how many women choose to give birth when there is no man involved to ‘do it for’.

I don’t mean to be flippant, you are right, giving birth itself is amazing. But, ‘in awe of it’? That’s not quite the same thing. Nor is ‘being grateful’. Most women have children because they really want them, not to do their husbands a favour.

‘Additionally, humans giving birth is much riskier than most mammals and can result in serious injury or death, and she's doing it for both of them – which includes him– while he doesn't have to assume any physical risk or damage.’

Actually, with the medical care accorded to humans in this country vs animals (which is entirely right, we are human after all!) the human birth fatality rate is a about 1/10,000 whereas for cows, for instance, it is 1/100.

Sounds to me like he didn't engage brain before opening his mouth.

Glad you've talked to him about it and hopefully you'll get past it, sounds like you will.

Good luck OP, ignore the ranting pitchfork bearers

Additionally, humans giving birth is much riskier than most mammals and can result in serious injury or death, and she's doing it for both of them – which includes him – while he doesn't have to assume any physical risk or damage.

Yup! This!

I'm not going to demonise your husband, but it does show that he has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon unfortunately. You should bring up how hurtful it was and why – he should accept it without argument and apologise, and not get sulky and defensive. If he does – well, you have a bigger problem on your hands.

So you think husbands should be unimpressed by their wife giving birth? That's certainly an opinion.

Additionally, humans giving birth is much riskier than most mammals and can result in serious injury or death, and she's doing it for both of them – which includes him – while he doesn't have to assume any physical risk or damage.