AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

I had this said to me by ex husband after our first born ,it stayed with me along time . I'm now with.a new partner and 8 kids later he assures me the that the being lose after havingamy children is myth . Of course we are not teeneagers and we have functional body parts but theydo go back to normal

OP. I'd really just like to know if he

1. admitted it was a bad thing to say
2. unquivocally apologised, without saying "I'm sorry that you felt that way about it"
3. made up for it in some way, by telling you how lucky he is to have physical contact with you

Id tell him his penis doesnt do the job anymore. He made you feel awful yet you still had sex with him?

I think that poster was making a general comment as in ffs us women have enough shit.

I doubt very much that theres 20-something's reading this thread now going "gosh, SillyPeachAunt's situation has deeply affected and impacted me and my future life choices, I've completely changed my outlook and wont have children now because of her experience".

I love that you've decided to go in this direction. I don't doubt men will be able to bear children at some point in the future. Whether they DO or not depends on whether at the same time as making that possible they make the whole process safer, more pleasant, and less damaging to the rest of the birthing person's life than it is currently. If they don't, men will probably just pay poorer people to take the damage for them which some kind of do now if you think about it.

Honestly you seem a bit resentful about the whole process and your inability to take part in it which is why you are insufficiently grateful to the mother of your children for allowing you to have them. I'm sure she wanted them too but she could've done that alone, as you say, and chose to share the experience with you instead. The least you can do is admire the strength and courage she used in order that you could have that experience.

OP it is very easy to take a beating on Mumsnet. Most people have if they've been on here long enough. Take the advice that you want to (and yes there is some on this thread, I gave you some myself way back) and ignore the stuff you don't, but I would have a careful think away from the thread about if ANY of it is valid even if it's rather bluntly put.

It is very easy to feel like we owe our husbands sex given everything we are told about our role in life right from being born. We don't, of course. If you are choosing to do it that's great, but it's OK not to if you don't feel like it because he's been a total twat and hurt your feelings. It wouldn't be punitive it would be just a completely normal reaction. It's also OK to try to override those feelings if you want to but as I said earlier, it stops working after a while.

If you could forget that comment so easily when you were having sex again after just a few hours (and I don’t believe any women would), then it couldn’t have hurt you.

I wonder how many young women are reading this thread and thinking this is just another good reason not to have kids.
Along with not being able to buy a house, the interruption of career progression, always being default childcare, birth injuries and now the possibility of this as in shitty comments about tightness

I have to agree with the many posters who have assumed this post is either not real, or that the OP was concerned about upsetting her ‘perfect’ DH. I cannot imagine any woman, hearing her partners comment about her vagina, would think ‘oh, that’s hurtful - I’ll talk to him about that when it’s convenient, (because we’re adults) but in the meantime, I’ll continue to have sex because I enjoy it’. The reaction would be instant - ‘what the hell did you just say?’ You absolutely would not be able to just park such an outrageous comment until a more convenient time - the only time would be immediately!

@OtterlyAstounding ,

Its an experiment, proof of concept, not a model anyone is suggesting for human beings.

But it is probably the basis on which experts say 10-20 years, and not 50-100 years, or never.

I don't think sustaining pregnancy at a success rate of 3%, by surgically joining a pregnant female body to a pregnant male one, so that the female body maintains the pregnancy, really counts. Unless you think we should sew pregnant women to transsexual men for the duration of a pregnancy.

@SillyPeachAnt if he had made the same comment while you were dating. not married to him and had no kids would you have felt the same

@OtterlyAstounding ,

They’ve done it already, in a rat. It was a highly artificial laboratory situation, so not directly transferable. But, normally what can be done in one mammal, with time and patience (and subject to ethics) can be done in humans.

https://www.biorxiv.org/content/10.1101/2021.06.09.447686v1.full

Now we are getting a long way from the purpose of the thread, so I’ll leave it there.

It really just doesn't make sense, OP. You've kept engaging, you've shared other quite specific details, and yet you've entirely avoided saying a vague, 'he was really apologetic and felt terrible for upsetting me in a moment of stupidity, so I'm happy to move past it'.

That's up to you of course, as you're not obligated to share anything at all, but it does seem an intriguing choice to keep engaging and sharing on the thread, but not to mention that one aspect.

No it’s clear it just doesn’t give you the details you want…

What's your source for that 'at least' (not 'as soon as')?
Medical science can't even manage a good number of issues that pregnant women suffer that can cause miscarriages and stillbirths, or life threatening conditions, so I'm not sure why you'd think they'd be able to work out how to sustain a biological process as complex and delicate as pregnancy in a male body that isn't hormonally or physically equipped for it.

Anyway, that's a derail, but it bears stating.

Is it? I didn't say it was word salad, I said it was unclear, and didn't really communicate anything. That entire comment could be boiled down to "I talked to him so he knows I feel hurt, and we discussed moving forward".

Which could mean "he said I was being over-sensitive and he just wanted to forget about it" or it could mean "he was deeply mortified for his insensitivity and reassured me". It really says nothing. Which is fine - it's just not at all clear, as I observed.

Well presumably a man being 6 foot plus has no impact on women's orgasm either but it doesn't stop (most) women also looking for that in a potential partner !

I suppose it's difficult for me to understand how she would be escalating things even if she did react very harshly, as my husband (who wouldn't say something like that in the first place!) would likely see my anger (if I was angry instead of just hurt) as stemming from the hurt he'd caused, and thus as something he'd brought on himself. In these sorts of situations, the one who has wronged the other person and caused the hurt in the first place should really be able to swallow their pride and take a tongue-lashing with grace.

As for weaponising sex...again, I think most posters were saying they wouldn't want to have sex with their husband after such a comment because of their hurt and insecurity, not that they would still want to have sex and yet would deliberately withhold it. That's not them weaponising sex, it's their husband ruining sex.

It's like you're turning everything the man does around on the woman, and holding her accountable for his bad behaviour.

I'm not interested in details, but I do think it's strange the way the OP has been relatively detailed about other things, but (unless I've missed something) has carefully avoided saying anything that would even vaguely indicate that her husband is mortified, has apologised sincerely, has taken accountability, and is upset with himself for hurting her. Odd.

If you think it’s unclear or “word salad” then I think it’s your comprehension that’s the issue. It’s clear.