Niece being a spoilt madam

Following the most recent OP update, think I would be keeping my kids away from DF for now and pay closer attention to what is going on with DF and DN. That is not normal behaviour. Does DN have special needs?

Also speak to your brother, her dad, is he concerned? Does he even notice the behaviour? Stress to him the problem is your dad treating the differently and setting up resentment with the other cousins, you could say you think it’s unfair on DN as your dad is making the other cousins hate her.

suggest he comes over /for a day out with niece and your family but crucially, not invite your dad. See if she behaves better when she doesn’t have the grandparent spoiling her. Speak to her as a young adult, is she planning to go to uni next year? Has she got a part time job? Talk to her as one of the adults not one of the kids.

She holds her grandfather’s hand when out on little trips, at 17?
Actually I can’t even picture these days out at all, with a girl of that age happy to be there in the first place, let alone in the company of a horde of much younger cousins!

Everyone here is blaming the grandfather but my God it’s the little madam’s own parents I’d hold responsible. They brought her up in this behaviour.
Granddad could almost be forgiven for placing her apart in his affections really, she having been his little princess for many years before the other grandchildren came along, and perhaps the more lavish gifts seem to him to be merely adjusted for ‘inflation’ as she has grown up.
Whatever the magnitude of DGF’s responsibility here, it ought not be regarded as the heart of the problem, I think.
It’s her horrid, braggart behaviour on the privileged basis she enjoys which renders that favouritism so toxic, and this is her own household’s issue.
Maybe the lot of them are entitled ingrates, with added manipulative tendencies.

Her parents have created the attitude in this girl, where a better regulated child would deal with her granddad’s material affection with a good deal more grace.

I agree the problem is your dad. You should have a word with him and say you are also going to keep your dcs away from him as you think his relationship with niece is unhealthy, he’s encouraging her to be badly behaved towards her cousins and before everyone in the family hates her, you’re going to keep the children away from her and him until she’s had chance to grow up a bit.

Yes, I'm hoping the hand holding is maybe a cultural thing. I didn't even hold my dad's hand past 6.

Personally I'd have 2 conversations - one with brother and one with father.

Tell both you know that the fall out was actually because of differential treatment of niece and brothers kids. Yours are younger and not upset by it as yet but you won't be letting it get that far. If he doesn't start treating all of them equally you'll be following your brother in cutting contact with your dad. With your dad this is a clear conversation to warn him if you don't see change immediately. With your brother this is to let him know how far its got and that you'll still want to maintain your relationship with him but he may end up being the only one talking to your dad.

I agree I'd leave out nieces behaviour entirely at this point. It will only get your brothers back up. Focus on your dads behaviour.

I, and about a half dozen other posters who spotted it, wouldn’t. No 17 year old in a healthy relationship with their grandfather holds their hand. I would be very worried.

Agree, it sounds like DF is grooming her.

Quite. The massive drip feed is very worrying. Thus does not sound even remotely normal behaviour from either party

Wow, I've had two daughters who have been 17 and countless nieces and this is SUCH immature for that age. I find it strange someone her age would do things like that. I'd have probably told her to grow up and stop being so self centred and spoiled if she'd behaved like that on a day out.

I wouldn't bother if I were you. It will change absolutely nothing. If your niece is your father's favourite he's not going to change his feelings by being told off about it. The best you could hope for is some changes in overt behaviour to minimise the impact on other DC. So, maybe ask him if your DC could go out with just him because the dynamic is difficult with niece being so much older, or something.
Your situation is actually very common. GPs form tighter bonds with some GC then others due to a host of reasons. The good ones don't let it show so overtly.
Some families just accept it and focus on their relationship with their DC, which is far more important to sense of self worth than an unfair GP. Some do what your brother has done. Which is fair enough.

This 17 year old girl walks around holding her granddad's hand and asking for teddy bears, all to spite children? WTF?

Reading the initial post I had an uneasy feeling about your father and his granddaughter. Reading your update cements that feeling. Screams of grooming and worse. I hope I’m wrong.

are any of the other grandchildren girls?

You need to speak to your father first and explain what is happening and how his behaviour towards his grandchildren is impacting now

He needs to understand that at 17 she knows exactly what she is doing and isn’t bothered by the impact she is having on her cousins. Your father needs to stop accepting her behaviour and needs to spend quality time with all his grandchildren and that’s means not including his eldest grandchild

the easiest would be that each family arranges some outing and grandparents are invited but it’s that family only

Then I would speak to your brother and explain the impact his daughter is having and he can stop this by saying to his father no dad xx won’t join today as it’s younger grand kids only

Are you saying a 17 year old asks for teddy bears and holds her grandfathers hand when out?

this is very unusual behaviour, is she nt of does she have additional needs?

It is a pity that it has come to an estrangement over this.

We all always knew that my Mum favoured my firstborn, but it just became a family joke and was talked about openly at home. It never came to an estrangement; it was just treated as an unfortunate grandmotherly quirk. Those less in favour were fine with it as we always levelled things up behind the scenes. I do not think they have been permanently scarred!

Thirding this.

Growing up my father spoiled my brother because he is his son, he never applied this to his other two daughters. We have just accepted that he is the favourite child. Now we are all in our 40s-50s, my father only favours my sister’s son and it’s obvious to all the other grand daughters! My brother has stopped speaking to him and it’s really upset him, even though his other daughter hasn’t spoken to him in years?!!! You are never going to change the granddad’s mind. He will continue the same behaviour. The cousins will grow up and decide to no longer visit grandad because of it. The favourite grand daughter will get a boyfriend and stop visiting too. It will be all his fault. I personally wouldn’t bring my kids over to experience that kind of behaviour as it’s damaging for self esteem. I’d keep them at home. If he asks why they don’t see him, tell him the truth! Because you never treated them fairly and spoiled grand daughter in front of them!

@Aprilmaymum - I would be very tempted to talk to your dad - tell him his blatant favouritism of his eldest grandchild is obvious to all his children, and that his other grandchildren will notice too. Ask him if he wants a relationship with only one grandchild or with all of them.

I am a granny, and I wouldn't dream of treating my grandchildren so differently - we love them all, and treat them equally.

um. None of that is normal op. I have massive alarm bells FOR your poor neice, not the other way round!

Quite. The additional details in the OP’s follow up post are… concerning.

She’s holding her grandad’s hand and making him buy her teddies at 17?!

To be perfectly honest, the whole dynamic sounds creepy as fuck to me. The problem here isn’t your niece or your brother, it’s your father. He’s the one you should be questioning about this, and pretty damn thoroughly in my opinion because this all sounds deeply unhealthy.

This is a bit scary. Are you sure this is a healthy connection, between your father and your niece?

If shes ruining trips and visits then she is.