AIBU to expect my brother to hear me out first?

Goldielocks2p22 · 2026-08-02T07:09:57+00:00

My brother and I both do the same hobby, and it’s meant to be somewhere I go to improve my fitness, have fun and switch off from work. Me and him have historically been extremely close, go on holiday together, out for food etc. The problem is, like a lot of groups, it comes with personalities, gossip and the odd bit of drama. A few months ago we had a huge falling out because several people came to me separately and told me things he’d been saying about me behind my back. I never told him who had told me because I didn’t want to create even more drama, but it really damaged my trust in him. We moved on, but our relationship has never really been the same. Fast forward to this week. During a session the instructor accused me in front of everyone of cheating and not doing all my reps. I knew I’d done them, challenged it and carried on, but I left feeling embarrassed. I messaged my brother afterwards because I was upset. Instead of saying something like, “That must have been embarrassing,” he immediately started defending the instructor. It was all about how he probably didn’t mean it, how that’s just his personality, how he likes winding people up, etc. This is the bit that gets me. It feels like whenever I mention anything negative about the hobby, he automatically takes the side of the other members or instructors rather than mine. I don’t expect him to agree with everything I say, and I’m not asking him to fall out with anyone on my behalf. I just want him to acknowledge that I might be upset before jumping in to defend everyone else. What makes it harder is that I spent years listening to him vent about work, his ex, family, life plans and everything else. I was always there to listen. Since the whole talking-behind-my-back situation, I don’t feel I get the same back. I’ve now told him that I’ve learnt my lesson and I’ll just keep anything negative about the hobby to myself and only tell him the positives because I can’t keep having the same conversation where I feel like I’m defending myself rather than being listened to. *AIBU for expecting my own brother to hear me out first instead of automatically defending the other people involved?*

Boreded · 02/08/2026 19:37

You care way too much about what your brother thinks. Also we can’t decide how someone is going to respond to us.

Original poster

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 19:35

MyDarlingRose · 02/08/2026 10:56

Then you need to tell him that. Most relationships have had that moment where you have to tell them ‘when I’m complaining about X I am not looking for solutions or for you to argue with people, I just want some sympathy and comfort’.

I have told him that and he’s response was me talking negatively about his happy place was draining for him

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 19:34

Formatchangehell5421 · 02/08/2026 10:51

YANBU Op. It sounds very much like the relationship is too much one way. You were a solid support to him for years when he needed to vent and in return, not only has he gossiped about you behind your back, he now can’t back you up when you need it.

This is about loyalty.

Whether this is intentional on his behalf or him being “just” an insensitive bloke only you can judge.

The main thing is whether you can talk to him about this directly (once some time has passed and you can discuss it calmly and rationally) and whether you can have any expectation of him listening and taking your perspective on board.

I have a similar rather disappointing relationship with my brother who is very self-involved. He was rather domineering during my childhood and to put it bluntly, even now as an adult, takes a lot more than he gives, but he can’t see it because it’s all about him. I tried to explain and was met with not only a misinterpretation of what I was saying g but a doubling down of his viewpoint.

Not that sibling relationships are transactional and of course you love them anyway, but over time, the imbalance and lack of willingness to understand makes me step back a bit.

I hope you can find a resolution with your brother op.

Edited

This does describe it perfectly. If I’m honest I can’t see us ever sitting down and working it out as he’s never been accountable.

Even when I called him for slagging me off he refused to talk in person or over the phone. Wanted it all over text.

@Gymnopedie when I think about it’s always about him. During Covid he broke all the rules from day dot and when I called him out for it he said I was ruining his mental health

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MyDarlingRose · 02/08/2026 10:56

Then you need to tell him that. Most relationships have had that moment where you have to tell them ‘when I’m complaining about X I am not looking for solutions or for you to argue with people, I just want some sympathy and comfort’.

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2026 10:55

I was about to write pretty much what @Formatchangehell5421 has done so I won't say it again, she did it very well.

He souds very self centred - 'You're ruining his happy place', which I suspect you're right about - what about your happy place? If you think hard, how much of your previously close relationship has been because you've done the giving and he's done the taking?

Formatchangehell5421 · 02/08/2026 10:51

YANBU Op. It sounds very much like the relationship is too much one way. You were a solid support to him for years when he needed to vent and in return, not only has he gossiped about you behind your back, he now can’t back you up when you need it.

This is about loyalty.

Whether this is intentional on his behalf or him being “just” an insensitive bloke only you can judge.

The main thing is whether you can talk to him about this directly (once some time has passed and you can discuss it calmly and rationally) and whether you can have any expectation of him listening and taking your perspective on board.

I have a similar rather disappointing relationship with my brother who is very self-involved. He was rather domineering during my childhood and to put it bluntly, even now as an adult, takes a lot more than he gives, but he can’t see it because it’s all about him. I tried to explain and was met with not only a misinterpretation of what I was saying g but a doubling down of his viewpoint.

Not that sibling relationships are transactional and of course you love them anyway, but over time, the imbalance and lack of willingness to understand makes me step back a bit.

I hope you can find a resolution with your brother op.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 02/08/2026 10:40

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 10:32

Whenever I say anything to do with the club he automatically sides with them.

He sided with the instructor with very empathy to how it’d be feel to be made out to be cheating in front of a class full of people. I do struggle to find out with his delivery you could put that down to banter.

Another example of the female actively ignore me in person for 4 weeks, went on a night out and started talking to me like she had ignored me for 4 weeks but he didn’t see the issue

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You weren’t accused of cheating in any meaningful way, ie to win against someone else. No one else will remember this at all.

BasketCaseBug · 02/08/2026 10:38

SueKeeper · 02/08/2026 08:34

What you are seeing as him defending them could also be interpreted as reassuring you that it wasn't a personal attack or that big a deal. He was saying that's just what the instructor is like, so you have no need to be embarrassed, nobody thought it was you.

It doesn't sound like you like the group much, can you try to take the emotion out of it a bit and just go for the exercise? I don't think it's worth destroying your relationship with your brother over.

I agree with this. I would probably have responded similar to your brother with the intention of reassurance.

It all seems like a massive drama over nothing.

MyPlumHelper · 02/08/2026 10:35

Speaking about reps means it sounds like a bog standard exercise class.
Can't you just find another one.

The pair of you sound about twelve.

Original poster

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 10:33

For me I didn’t think it was unreasonable to talk to about my bad experiences but he seems to think I’m now running his happy place by telling him things that have gone on

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Original poster

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 10:32

WhatAMarvelousTune · 02/08/2026 09:04

I don’t see what he did wrong in this interaction.

I appreciate he didn’t respond how you wanted, or maybe how you would have responded.
But if you weren’t annoyed at him you’d maybe view his response as trying to make you feel better by saying that the instructor did mean anything by it.

Whenever I say anything to do with the club he automatically sides with them.

He sided with the instructor with very empathy to how it’d be feel to be made out to be cheating in front of a class full of people. I do struggle to find out with his delivery you could put that down to banter.

Another example of the female actively ignore me in person for 4 weeks, went on a night out and started talking to me like she had ignored me for 4 weeks but he didn’t see the issue

OP posts:

WhatAMarvelousTune · 02/08/2026 09:04

I don’t see what he did wrong in this interaction.

I appreciate he didn’t respond how you wanted, or maybe how you would have responded.
But if you weren’t annoyed at him you’d maybe view his response as trying to make you feel better by saying that the instructor did mean anything by it.

Coconutter24 · 02/08/2026 08:53

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 02/08/2026 08:35

The group has now been the source of two falling out between you and so it would be better if one of you stopped going and just engaged with the other in different ways.

Wasn’t the brother the source when he started bad mouthing op?

CurlyKoalie · 02/08/2026 08:49

The issue is not the latest drama, the issue is the class itself. Presumably you are paying to attend this bitchy toxic group?
Why? It sounds like the worst part of a school playground.
Your instructor sounds so unprofessional.
He / she should not be encouraging gossipy bitchy cliques, your brother shouldn't be joining in and the instructor should not be " motivating" people by publicly accusing them of lying about their exercise rate!

There are better clubs out there.
Go and try some different places. Find an instructor who has a more professional attitude to help you achieve your goals. It shouldn't be difficult. Most places I have used are better than this place sounds.
You can still talk to your brother about how your fitness is improving and compare notes, it's just time for you to go your own way and find some more grown up gym companions - and that includes your brother!

winter8090 · 02/08/2026 08:37

I don’t think his comments about the instructor were intended to take his side. They were intended to try and make you feel better - by saying it’s just how he is e.g don’t take it personally. Albeit I accept this isn’t how you took it.
What was your brother saying about you? Was it trivial or a big issue?
it’s sounds like some space between you might help.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 02/08/2026 08:36

A hobby should be fun which clearly it isnt for you and sounds like your brother has got wrapped up in it and taking it too seriously. If it was something you were talking to him about that had nothing to do with this hobby then would he listen to you, support you etc...? If yes, then ditch the hobby or join this other club. If no then a few words with your brother would be in order as well.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 02/08/2026 08:35

The group has now been the source of two falling out between you and so it would be better if one of you stopped going and just engaged with the other in different ways.

SueKeeper · 02/08/2026 08:34

What you are seeing as him defending them could also be interpreted as reassuring you that it wasn't a personal attack or that big a deal. He was saying that's just what the instructor is like, so you have no need to be embarrassed, nobody thought it was you.

It doesn't sound like you like the group much, can you try to take the emotion out of it a bit and just go for the exercise? I don't think it's worth destroying your relationship with your brother over.

geoger · 02/08/2026 08:28

CypressGrove · 02/08/2026 08:26

I'm not sure about this - it was members of the group who let OP know he was talking about her behind her back and he admitted it.

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But what were the reasons for the group doing this? Probably to stir up trouble. The brother sounds like a twat

somanychristmaslights · 02/08/2026 08:27

I assume this is something like CrossFit? I wouldn’t be going somewhere where the instructor makes me feel like shit.

CypressGrove · 02/08/2026 08:26

geoger · 02/08/2026 08:24

No hobby and its members is worth ruining a relationship with your brother over. You’ve already said the group is cliquey, bitchy and gossipy - I would have left on that basis alone.
Ditch the group, reconnect with your brother if that’s what you want to do (tho he has shown himself to be a dick. Is this because he was trying to fit in with the clique?)

Edited

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I'm not sure about this - it was members of the group who let OP know he was talking about her behind her back and he admitted it.

CypressGrove · 02/08/2026 08:24

I don't think you are unreasonable in wanting your brother to be there for you, but he has shown you he isn't to be trusted so you need to pull back and protect yourself.

geoger · 02/08/2026 08:24

Goldielocks2p22 · 02/08/2026 08:19

Ultimately this has ruined our once close relationship

Edited

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No hobby and its members is worth ruining a relationship with your brother over. You’ve already said the group is cliquey, bitchy and gossipy - I would have left on that basis alone.
Ditch the group, reconnect with your brother if that’s what you want to do (tho he has shown himself to be a dick. Is this because he was trying to fit in with the clique?)

HoraceCope · 02/08/2026 08:22

he is your brother
he feels he can speak his mind

Evaka · 02/08/2026 08:21

This all sounds bizarre. Why's everyone being so unpleasant and overly familiar at a fitness class? If your brother has proven himself to be a dick, just stop looking to him for support and comfort.