AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

Yes, and multiple epiphanic moments all at once. We start with a perfect life, then suddenly, actually, the OP’s DH is insane! Then the sex is terrible! Then she’s deeply lonely and lacks purpose in her life. All within an hour or two.

It seemed to me that her marriage was shit but also she was drinking because she loves her husband & misses him.

Maybe I misread/misunderstood.

What a waste of early retirement was my thought!

I do find that a little sad. I dont drink a lot so I appreciate my perspective will be influenced by that. But it does sound like quite a lot of drinking to me. How is socialising or a Saturday night with your DH without alcohol?

I changed my vote after reading all the posts.

My original vote was you’re not being unreasonable. Your sister drinks very little and you drInk quite a bit which I think alarmed her. The original post sounded like two happy people with a zest for life.

The subsequent posts are bleaker. OP you sound lonely, drinking to escape. That isn’t healthy.

How are you feeling today?

30-40 bottles of wine for 22 people on an evening? And you think that's normal? That's more than enough units for each person's recommended weekly quota. I think you need to reappraise how you may have linked alcohol unhealthily with enjoyment and relaxation.

It's none of your sister's business. As long as you aren't being irresponsible, which you clearly aren't, then it isn't anything to worry about and she is just being judgy.

You kind of unraveled as you kept posting last night OP. It’s clear you were sitting there getting very drunk on your own, and you explained that your life isn’t great. I am sorry things are difficult for you.

Just because DH drinks so heavily doesn’t mean you have to. Despite their independence, I am sure your DC would prefer it if you stuck around for another 20 years and that those were healthy years.

So well over the recommended maximum of 14 units a week, in one sitting?
Binge drinking.

This sounds like a functioning alcoholic lifestyle. Do you ever not have alcohol for a few days in a row just to give your body a break? My parent had the same lifestyle and attitude, never skipped the alcohol in the evening it led to an alcohol related relatively early death unfortunately. I would feel the same way your sister does, she's just looking out for you.

If you want to be healthy it's not a good idea to drink several glasses of wine every day just because you like wine and you can. Drinking culture in the UK is pretty excessive in my opinion but obviously it's up to you, if you can be a bit more moderate that would be wise.

After reading your first post, I was going to say there’s nothing wrong with your drinking. It’s frequent but it’s sociable and I think there’s a lot of pearl clutching and prurience about alcohol on mums net - there’s nothing wrong with moderate social drinking on a semi-regular basis.

I’ve read the subsequent posts and it’s clear there’s far more to this, and I’ve completely changed my mind.

I think you know that you drink more than is recommended these days but honestly it's up to you. You're both fit and very active and clearly thoroughly enjoying life. In your shoes I'd probably aim to give my liver more of a rest each week but you probably also know that. And your genes have a big effect on the impact alcohol makes on you. You sound like lovely people living a super life and hopefully youve got good genes. She's said her piece so you can just make your own decisions.

For me, that’s too much drinking. You don’t have to drink at 8am to be dependent on alcohol. Drinking has become so normalised that daily alcohol-what, say 4-5 units a day doesn’t seem a lot. But it is. I’d say the test is to see if you can go without for a few days and see how you feel about it. Cut back to 3-4 days a week? If you’re sociable, you can still enjoy life without drinking. The effects build up. My lovely social friend who drank every day and always greeted us with a glass of wine has heart problems and can’t walk very far. He’s only 68. He used to lie to his doctor about his drink-but his view was he enjoyed it so didn’t want to cut back.

Yeah. That's a problem. You have a problematic relationship with alcohol at best.

It's up to you to manage your relationship with alcohol. But your sister has a point. You don't think your drinking is a problem now, but it's going to impact the quality of your life faster than you think.

Help exists to reduce your drinking.

Just because you’ve never missed work through drinking and don’t drink in the mornings does not mean there isn’t a problem! As someone who had a severe drinking problem from my late twenties to late forties, those behaviours only really crept in towards the rock bottom period, but my drinking had been out of control for many years before any of those ‘markers’ came up. Your eagerness to point out all the reasons you are not alcoholics are a red flag to me.

A few years ago, I had a close work colleague in a tight-knit team, who myself and 2 others worried about because we knew he drank a lot - he would go to the pub on the way home from work every day, then buy 8 more cans to drink at home; he would be in work the next morning but looking like shit. I tried to broach it gently with him a couple of times but he got very annoyed, asserting that he couldn’t be an alcoholic because he only drank beer and never spirits! Alcoholics will find multiple arguments for why they are not alcoholics! Sadly he died of a stroke before he reached 50 and alcohol was a big factor.

I suspect you are under-stating how much you drink here. You use phrases like ‘a few glasses’; is that 3 glasses or 7? The fact that your sister has noticed and commented on it makes me suspect you’re drinking more than you want to admit. Your sister is worried about you, that is why she has broached the topic and it’s a very difficult subject to bring up. I used to get really angry with anyone broaching my drinking because I knew they were right!

I suggest keeping a drink diary for a fortnight to honestly record every drink you consume, where and when. That will give you a good snapshot.

I know several elderly/retired people who I notice have slipped into drinking wine at home every evening since retiring, and for some of them I do feel it is a slippery slope. And I understand why it can sneak up on people: loneliness/boredom, and a lack of purpose (job/family) are big factors.

Sound like you have a fab life and lots to enjoy. Sounds fantastic and I can only hope I’m that lucky at that stage. However, as others have said, i would just count up the units so you actually know how much you consume and then you can make a conscious choice about what you do. Some people do drink that amount and get away with it but it is much more than people I know. Also it is a health risk. That said, so long as you are making a conscious choice, then it’s your choice as you do sound like you enjoy life and function highly. Just don’t slip into it without knowing exactly what you are choosing. Sounds like your sister cares.

This⬆️

@ByJollyQuail I’m not judging you. I’m worried for your health.
Your sister must be very worried about your health or she would not have said anything.

It is possible to host, socialise and go out without drinking alcohol. I used to drink a lot, but haven’t for years, I don’t miss it, and I enjoy all these things more now I’m sober.

Now to sex—obviously you need your husband to come along for the ride for this one—but sex is 1000 times better sober.

I send you love, I wish you well, I hope you are able to read this thread sober and see that it might be best for you to make a change in your life.

If your husband sees you doing it, maybe he will think twice about his own drinking, but if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. You don’t have to stay stuck just because he is.

There is also a strong risk for Dementia from regular alcohol intake. Drinking more than 14 units a week can affect brain cells. As someone who works with people who have Dementia it's one of the worst conditions someone can develop

How about going for hikes with husband withiut any alcohol involved? (Ie no stopping off at pubs).

sounds to me you are a functioning alcoholic, and you know it. And your sister knows it.

if you like the sex when your husband is drunk, it doesn’t mean you hsbe to drink too. You won’t chsnged him, but you can change yourself. Swap your wine for soft drinks and see what happens.

and count how many units yiu hsbe in a typical week. Until you do that nothing will change.

Sober up and talk to your sister.

It sounds like you love your husband but are co dependent and he wants to drink and you don't know what to do without him so don't dare make a change.

Your life sounds passive. Like you tell yourself it's all fine because you're married and your kids are doing well and you have a great social life but actually you wouldn't dare stop drinking because your life with your husband would fall apart if you didn't keep up with the drinking and the facade of being happy would fall.

I hope you find peace. Our choices define us one way or another. Kindly, my parent smoked all their life and stopped. Got lung cancer 6 months later and died before turning 60. Every moment after the diagnosis was torture because they knew that if they'd taken the decision that they eventually made years earlier they would have had decade more happiness. So my experience is that people who says "life's too short" suddenly don't feel that way after a terminal diagnosis and the reality. My point is simply that if you're happy, great. But don't wait 20 years to change it if you're not.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/
To add to pp, this is a very good site.
You can download the app and self monitor.

Yeah, it’s just bad for your health to drink that much.

How many alcohol free nights per week do you have?

Alcoholic doesn’t just mean drinking in the morning, on a park bench.
It is an inability to cope with normal life without a drink.
Reading OP’s updates last night was sad. It was like trying to have a conversation with my alcoholic friend who is belligerent when pissed.
My dad was very fit and active and liked a tipple every day. I had to care for him when he was dying of liver cancer.
It is fine to say we just want to enjoy life, but drinking at this level at 50 plus is not good for you, As a woman it’s really, really not good for you.
OP may have it all, but in reality she sounds lonely and rejected. And I am sorry but her husband sounds like an arse.
They are masking by drinking - it is escapism.
It is really common.

The government recommends 14 units of alcohol a week, which is about 6 medium glasses of wine a week. Given that pub medium glasses are typically what at-home drinkers think is typical, rather than a pub small glass, from your own account your sister likely has extrapolated (not unreasonably) that you might be drinking nearly 30 units of alcohol a week.

Also it's a bit worrying that you believe that it is impossible to enjoy yourself without alcohol being used. That's a problematic belief right there.

She's your sister, of course she's worried. It does have health implications which while not obvious when we were at university 30 years ago are becoming clearer all the time - I'm thinking of a male friend who easily drinks a bottle a day and is showing obvious signs of poor circulation now.

It's a slippery slope maybe this morning you could sit down and calculate the real units and go from there. Your posts went rapidly off kilter last night so I don't agree that the alcohol isn't affecting your life. Lots of people continue to function when they have alcohol problems. It's hard when kids are grown up and are moving on with their own lives. It highlights your relationship with your husband and sometimes you notice how disconnected you have become.

I really recommend honestly completing this questionnaire https://auditscreen.org/check-your-drinking
i knew i was drinking too much deep down, and this made it clear for me. Give it a try if you can.

... And there it is.

Tale as old as the internet. OP has a slight inkling something is wrong, wants to be proved wrong.

OP starts a thread showing all the ways in which she has "succeeded". Look at my children! Look how normal they are! Look how successful they are! Look how I'm still married to a man I love dearly! Look how enviable we are! Now look over here at this teeny tiny coping mechanism, that could be described as just being jolly good hosts, and full of bon homie!!

90% of the replies show concern that you are underestimating the impact of the teeny tiny coping mechanism.

They poke and prod and ask more questions until you lash out. Whilst under the influence.

Not everyone reacts to alcohol the same way.
Not everyone succumbs to day time drinking and turns yellow at 50.
Often, you're fine at 55, and then by the time you're 60 your liver is starting to complain a little bit. You let the GP advice wash over you, because, surely, it doesn't apply to you?

It's so tedious having to future proof your life by being moderate in your behaviour.

All your friends drink when you drink, but do they also drink most other days? If they've drunk 2 bottles at yours, does one of them, perhaps, not drink for 4 days? Is one of them dealing with an unhappy liver but doesn't know it? Does one of them actually drink a quarter of your consumption in an evening, you just don't notice?

You're only as ok as your most recent blood test, and even then, it only shows part of the picture.

Come back in 10 years and tell me everyone's still having a good time. I suspect someone will be slowly dying of an alcohol-related cancer. I suspect one of them will be drinking even before a 10am tee time.

If you're very unlucky, someone you know will have oesophageal varices, and will end up bleeding out on the pavement outside the pub, drowning in their own blood.

It's not being hit by a bus tomorrow that kills most people who drink too much. It's 15-30 years of chronic pain, incontinence, losing friends, having bits of you removed (have you ever seen the results of mouth and throat cancer?).

If you're lucky it will be an unreasonably early stroke or heart attack that will take you out instantly, leaving your family reeling and bereft.

But obviously, you should celebrate being free of all responsibility - other than to yourself, each other, your children, and your wider community that love you.