AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

No one has suggested that 14 units a day is a safe level of alcohol!

14 units spread over a few days is the maximum recommended amount of alcohol per week.

The pair of ye sound like raging alcoholics.
Husband sounds like a selfish prick and you sound miserable as fuck.
Its clear you are self medicating with alcohol and cannot face the gaping chasm of your life now the kids are grown. And clealry got as far away as possible.
Go to AA.
Leave your dh.
And thank your sister.

Well if this is real and she was off her tits and alone last night, then clearly the answer to that would be no, she’s not doing it for him.

Wow.

This thread!!

OP ... you spend nearly every single post justifying your drinking. You posted asking for opinions on whether you drink too much, you were told that you do, you tried to justify it in every post and continued to drink while posting.
You got nasty and defensive towards other posters, this indicates that you are not the fun and happy drunk you portrayed in your initial post.

I have spent years working in drug and alcohol services ... you are displaying all the characteristics of a problem, dependant drinker
This can only change when you stop justifying every drink.

Do you think you are mainly drinking to keep in favour with your husbands lifestyle?

It sounds like you would love him to find you attractive when he is sober.
There are many men that would.
Sex is actually much better when sober as the body is more responsive.

Don't drink to keep up with your husband. You can stop/cut right down even if he won't.

I grew up with heavy drinkers (siblings not parents), so what you're describing seems pretty mild. You are probably very tolerant of alcohol too. If you can afford it, you enjoy it and your life isn't disrupted by it, I don't see the problem. If your partner was unhappy about your drinking, that would be an issue. I will say people don't drink like they used to, but it's your life and your sister can be worried, but ultimately your decision.

I used to drink a lot more. But somehow stopped it mostly because I feel so bad the next day. Genuine question - don’t you get a hangover? Or wake up at silly o clock after a couple of glasses of wine? I would be permanently shattered tbh

It will catch up with you and start causing or increasing health issues at that level of drinking. I was doing exactly the same level of drinking until I realised what effectsit has long term.. Late 50s is when it starts to have a significant health effect. But if you see it as a price worth paying, then that's your decision.

At the most superficial level, your DSis over reacted. If what you described your drinking was over that sociable weekend was accurate then that’s hardly a Lost Weekend or unusual for hosting friends or family.

You are presumably not daft or isolated from health advice , so you can take stock of your intake over a week, a month, be clear about the potential impact and make your own decisions.

When Dc were young it was routine for us to share a bottle of wine every night, because we rarely went out. I still love a drink, really enjoy good wine, enjoy wine with nice food or beer with a curry, a pint in the pub

But I do not enjoy the feeling of being drunk (the room spinning stage) so never drunk that much.

And I have 3 or 4 nights a week alcohol free.

You can make your own decisions and choices and it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

It sounds as if your DH has made his transition into not working and the emptying nest by throwing himself into cycling. But you haven’t found your equivalent. Possibly because working ties you down from such trips?

What do you enjoy? Swimming? Walking? Community politics? Learn an instrument?

Covid was disastrous for me as my job / work sector was decimated and I haven’t worked since. But habits I developed then have endured. Instead of meeting friends in the pub we met for walks, long or short. We still do that, but now we can we go further afield, take a train for a day trip walk somewhere lovely. Or to a museum or curious site of some description.

Making my own bread and more ‘from scratch’ cooking, and starting to grow some tomatoes and chard in lockdown kickstarted a more pro-active healthy lifestyle, and that, with the walking and cutting alcohol to one drink three nights a week enabled me to lose weight which has stood me in good stead for being older.

Your impetus here is emptying nest, rather than Covid. An event that re-signposts aspects of your life.

Find your groove, OP, for you. You will work it out.

I think that you already know the answer to your question.
14 units of alcohol per week spread over several days is the recommended maximum amount per week.
Sounds like you both significantly exceed this level.
The risk to you as a result of excess alcohol consumption, as we all know is, liver disease, strokes, irregular heat rhythms, cardiomyopathy and other serious illnesses.
It's entirely your call, if you're happy to take the risk, keep drinking daily!

Good morning @ByJollyQuail

I hope you're ok. Get some breakfast down you and a couple of paracetamol.
You were pretty incoherent last night.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been on that journey for four years.
I had every excuse for my drinking. Happy, sad. Good news, bad news. People to entertain. All fine until it wasn't. My DC were at university and in London when I gave up the wine. They didn't want to be around me. Fwiw your DC are gen z and they don't really drink.

My units were 45+, a bottle a night five nights a week. My DH hardly drinks but he loves me so didn't leave me. I drank from 14 to mask an unhappy childhood and CSA.
What's your story?

You have plenty of money by the sound of it so get done therapy. I did ten months, £50 once a week. Best money I ever spent.
I'm a different person. Nicer and not talked about behind my back.
Nobody's drinking these days.
Think you're invincible?
I lost my 54 year old darling brother to kidney disease. He gave up the booze too late. Tall, handsome and he left three daughters.

If you're lonely booze will not fill that void.
I'm over on the alcohol support thread. Great bunch of 'lads'. We're all ladies as far as I know and female alcoholism is different.

And 5... If this isn't a genuine post, why waste your time with all the late night responses? Can you really think of nothing better to do with your time?

People love to talk about how much they drink on MN - topics like this high levels of engagement.

Plus, it had it all and all at once. Idyllic life that proved an illusion - shattered by sex issues, husband being “insane” and lack of purpose. All within an hour or two, so people didn’t get bored and move on.

Topics like this enable everyone to talk about how much they drink, how much the OP should drink, how poorly they manage to drink whilst being OP’s age, how terrible alcohol is AND to talk about their own middle-aged or post-retirement hobbies.

I don’t think the government units are a reasonable measure - most people would be considered problem drinkers by those standards!

Id say its alcholic dependency to drink 2-3 a night.
Try a week of none and see how that goes.
I dont doubt your sister it seems alot over a week espeically for a female...next you will need it to feel happy.
Nothong tobdo with tour income, children or lifestyle..its the drinking.

I grew up in a house where my parents shared a bottle most evenings with dinner and on weekends more than that

if they went out with friends it was always about drinking alongside whatever else they did.

as a child I never knew any different really so not sure why the big Info about your children etc.

sometimes people who know they drink a lot tend to point out the good in their lives and how they’ve done to almost soften it somehow.

mg mum definitely did that alot
my dad was alway defensive if anyone said slow down etc so was shut down.

i think what we call old school as in my parents generation and sounds like yours it was the norm however I think with so much more widely available info regarding health and well being etc people are much more aware of what they put in their bodies etc.

add up the amount of units you drink in a week and then maybe see if it’s way over dropping a couple of bottles a week if you feel you should op

i know many functioning alcoholics that hold down jobs families etc but doesn’t change the fact they have their first gin at 4.30 pm every day when they turn the laptop off

There's an awful lot of excuses, avoidance and denial in this thread OP which then basically descends into obvious drunkeness.

Your sister's right to be concerned OP, I think you should be concerned too.

Jesus. Do you realise that you can socialise, throw dinner parties, go out to pubs and restaurants and bars, and for holidays etc without drinking? Your life doesnt have to change, your consumption of alcohol should, in my opinion, change.

Ok, having read all the OP’s posts, this is clearly about so much more than safe alcohol unit consumption…

OP, there’s a lot coming out with each post and it’s showing me that you don’t seem terribly happy with your life and perhaps this is why you drink to perhaps blot it out. Your sister has clearly picked up same and is gently using your alcohol consumption as a way of getting you to take a long look at your life.

i would maybe have an honest chat with her as to why she raised this and what red flags she’s perhaps seeing in your life/marriage that’s manifesting as drinking nightly. Then I would suggest speaking to someone like a counsellor about your (clearly huge) fear of empty nesting with just your husband. From your other posts, albeit slightly drunk, it sounds like you’re unhappy.

....... and she left behind her young adult kids, 18 and 21.

They obviously wish she was here to guide them and meet her grandchildren etc.

I agree with this. Take out the waffle and it's clear you drink a lot.
My sister drank every day and like you she justified it as socialising, a little drinkie with dinner, after a stressful day .... more justification than acknowledgment.

You don't have to be a morning drinker etc to be a functioning alcoholic.

We buried her a decade ago. She wasn't even 50.

I wish I'd done what your sister is doing and said something to her before it was too late. 😞😥

@ByJollyQuail

I hope you have come back to this thread. Why don't you start another thread on the Relationships board and maybe have some discussion about your marriage, sex life, and the feelings you have around your kids spreading their wings.

Also suggest you pop onto the Alcohol Support threads. There is kindness and a not of lived experience and wisdom there.

Alcohol might have been your "friend" before, but it seems like it is not anymore.

I wish you all the best. I hope you can tackle these issues and return to enjoying your life.

You awake yet plonky?

I am not retired but I volunteer. It's very satisfying. I also sing in a choir. Ditto.

OP - you only get one life. You’ve not completely dismantled yours - you’re still working and enjoying it. Don’t build your whole self-esteem around pleasing a man and fitting into his chosen lifestyle. You can think for yourself. You can say no more of this for me. If you sober up for more than a week you’ll see things for what they are. Your children know what is going on - they don’t live in a vacuum. They are removing themselves from the situation. Bit by bit. You’re at a crossroads. Make choices for you.

I too can't tell if the post is real. It certainly took a darker turn last night.

Here goes, anyway, just in case...

1. Forget labels like heavy drinker/alcoholic/ social drinker. You and DH both drink way more than you can handle. He frequently comes home very drunk while you write incoherent messages to strangers.
2. You have unaddressed problems in your marriage which make you unhappy (e.g. intimacy). Find a way to deal with these, or what lies behind them, and maybe you'll both be happier.
3. You sound bored and unfulfilled in your life. Not surprising given the ridiculously early age of your (partial) retirement. Get a voluntary job so you do something meaningful with your time.
4. Think about your vast amount of friends. Why did you spent Saturday night at home and lonely? Is there nobody you could have met up with? If not, are they true friends?

And 5... If this isn't a genuine post, why waste your time with all the late night responses? Can you really think of nothing better to do with your time?