Middle finger

She’s old enough to know that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to.

Personally I would treasure them as memories of how cheeky and clever your lovely dd is.

Since you only want them for your children, aren't going to post them or show them to anyone else (because she hasn't given her consent), then the photos aren't ruined, are they? I'm sure she will have more fun looking at these photos in the future than of an old birthday party...

She asked you not to take her picture. You didn't respect that request and did it anyway.

Just because you no longer have your childhood pics and are upset about it, that doesn't give you the right to ignore her request. Pictures are a form of body autonomy and you violated hers.

So you're unreasonable.

Everything you are saying is that what you want is more important than what your daughter feels or wants. Wow

That’s not what we’re talking about.
Have a good evening

@Papster out of interest if DD didn’t want to get amorous with a 3rd party. Said no, she wasn’t comfortable even though she’d got amorous at the times she felt comfortable and wanted to, would your notions then of consent and boundaries, as a concept be different?

Correct

In your opinion.

She seems fine with social media and I doubt if she’s vetting everyone else’s posts.
Shes being inconsiderate and rude with her family.
Your mileage may, and clearly does, vary.
We’re not going to change each others minds

Do any of you banging on about consequences or the riot act actually have teens or adult dc that are well balanced, functioning humans that still actually genuinely like and respect you or speak to you?
Mine are both early 20’s and from being preteens I can think of dozens of weird and unfathomable phases or hang ups they went through. We didn’t solve them by forcing our will, just respected their wishes.

@Papster as someone who hates getting their photo taken without consent it’s maybe hard for you to understand. We all understand boundaries and consent in other contexts. I’m maybe missing something but why is this different?

Policing her friends’ socials must be very time consuming

You should have respected her wishes. Good on her for finding a fun way to make her point.

She doesn’t have a problem with her photo being taken, and anxieties around it… her social media is full of photos of her and her friends. She’s just behaving like a moody teenager and doesn’t like her mums angles and lighting.
OP you say the photos were candid but they can’t be that candid if your daughter managed to stick her middle finger up in all of them.
Daughter has been a brat to do this but also don’t think what she’s done is too horrific. Saying that I guess it depends what she’s like the rest of the time. If she does other stuff like this and she’s becoming a right handful and you’re having other issues with her, I’d be pissed off about this thinking it’s just another thing. Whereas if generally she’s a good kid and this was just a silly blip, you’ll look back and laugh in a few years.

She’s told you her boundaries and you have ignored them. I have this exact same problem with my FIL and it drives me fucking insane

Not true. Her DD has control over her social media. Taking sneaky snaps when someone has asked you not to, is ignoring a boundary at best. Consent is important. Not just with photos.

This, absolutely.

Serves you right for not respecting her wishes, OP.

See the OP’s post about her daughter’s social media where all these potential concerns about being violated and body dysmorphia are thankfully allayed

I love the emoji idea.
I would have a consequence from this as it is rude.
I'd agree to the request from now on but get your daughter to write it for you...so in future there is no "where am I? You always favoured DD2" when you look through photos together
Sorry OP it is a sad choice

She’s told you and you haven’t listened. Get the message now. If you want to make a point deliberately remind her everytime you take a picture to move if she doesn’t want to be in it.

She could’ve just moved, rather than sticking up her middle finger.

So her own socials have loads of photos but the family snaps aren’t good enough? I’m afraid that part of going to a party is that you might get caught in an unflattering pose in the background of someone else’s photos.
Spoiling the only video of your younger sibling’s 1st birthday cake arriving because you think your mum takes badly-lit photos is just a bitchy thing to do. If she’d done it at a friend’s party rather than family one she’d be getting a LOT of grief from them over this. She owes her Mum an apology. I’d be reading her the riot act.

She has control over that footage. Someone snapping away when you’ve asked them to please not is entirely different. Not OPs fault. She’s just coming at it from a different angle.

Even reading this OP makes me feel triggered. Seeing those folk alleging she is just being a madam (not their fault, they maybe don’t understand how impactful it is having secret snaps taken when you hate photos is). I’ve lost sleep, cried, had the knotty stomach (something wrong feeling) for days over folk not just respecting my wishes. Appreciate you not having your childhood pics is a big reason why it is important to you but just trying to highlight, how violating it can feel when you’ve said no thank you, but a friend or family member thinks they know best. I’m in my 50s now and never 👎 once had a thought 💭 that I wish I had more photos let alone getting a montage on a big birthday. Might be worth speaking to your DD tomorrow and assuring her you won’t post any publicly. That you are sorry, didn’t realise it was so important to her to not be forced in them and that reason you didn’t listen was because of your own experiences. Tell her when she feels comfortable you would love a pic just you and her and she can pick the ones she likes to have some control.
Overall, try not to be mad at her, deep down, even if she is supermodel material she maybe in herself (like me, aside from supermodel material!!) just feels rubbish about how she looks. That feeling obvs being subjective not objective.