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AIBU?

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AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

118 replies

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 18:33

Hi all, I have been working 2 days per week since having DCs. I discussed increasing hours to 2.5 days per week with my boss last year and discussed with my DH at the time about how to approach it with boss etc how the week would split etc.

I raised the issue with DH earlier as new hours are going to kick in in a couple of months and he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

He said “Right, well if you want to work another half day I’ll pay for the extra half day at nursery but then you can’t ever complain about being stressed or looking after DC4 and DC2 ever again.” Then said if I “want to work so much”, I should work full time and he will stop working and raise DCs and I can “find the money to pay for everything.”

Him forgetting the conversation around upping my hours aside, does the phrasing “I will pay for the nursery fees then” sound odd? Isn’t it all family money? Makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour so I can go to work? Eldest DC starts school in September and both DC have been going to nursery 2 days per week since 14 months. It’ll only be 1 extra half a day per week for DC2. Eventually they’ll both be at school so I think it’s a good idea to keep a foot in the door at work etc. If I worked full time, my salary would be a quarter of DH’s.

AIBU or does DH have a point and I should leave my hours as is?

OP posts:
Trumptontown · 01/08/2026 20:25

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 20:24

Groceries, fuel, DC clothes, days out etc

And what does he pay for?

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 20:24

OrangeSlices998 · 01/08/2026 20:19

Out of interest, what do you pay for out of your account?

Groceries, fuel, DC clothes, days out etc

OP posts:
MickyMoonshine · 01/08/2026 20:20

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 18:43

He has said before that because I work 2 days per week I’m “not raising DC wholeheartedly”.

No, the extra half day is just on a Monday morning.

What the fuck …

OrangeSlices998 · 01/08/2026 20:19

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 20:17

Yep - and no we don’t have a joint account. My salary goes into my account and if I need more that month he’ll put some in.

Out of interest, what do you pay for out of your account?

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 20:17

OrangeSlices998 · 01/08/2026 20:11

Gross gross gross. Presumably your youngest will be getting funded hours too so it’s not like a huge burden with TFC too - I can’t see what difference the extra day makes? I’d be tempted to put DC in the full day and get an afternoon for you! Is he controlling about how you spend the money? Is all money completely joint or do you have your own account?

Yep - and no we don’t have a joint account. My salary goes into my account and if I need more that month he’ll put some in.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 01/08/2026 20:11

Gross gross gross. Presumably your youngest will be getting funded hours too so it’s not like a huge burden with TFC too - I can’t see what difference the extra day makes? I’d be tempted to put DC in the full day and get an afternoon for you! Is he controlling about how you spend the money? Is all money completely joint or do you have your own account?

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 20:06

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:48

Just as a little aside op, none of the men I have dated would ever dare suggest to me that I iron their shirts.

I know, it’s bad. Something else I’ve never forgotten, we went on holiday when DC2 was 8 weeks old, I was holding the baby and he said “I paid for this holiday, the least you can do is tidy up the apartment.”

OP posts:
WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:56

Lifejigsaw · 01/08/2026 19:49

The whole thing is weird as he’s also suggested he be the stay at home parent so it’s not even trad wife stuff

op out of curiosity, why 3 or 3.5 days a week max once the kids are at school?

It was said as an empty / sarcastic “threat” - said jokingly like “as if you’d be able to earn what I earn if we switched roles”….. nice……

We discussed it in the context of it being good if someone (me) can have a day to catch up on house stuff etc; it would be financially doable.

OP posts:
WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:51

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:43

Can you clarify op, and my apologies if I missed it, but are you currently doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare 24-7 plus working 2.5 days a week, and he does nothing but a 40 hour a week job? If this is the case, you will need to change this somehow before you burn out with exhaustion.

I’m doing all the cooking and laundry. We mostly share cleaning although I do slightly more. I work 2 days per week currently and other 3 days I’ve got my DC ages 2 and 4. One with v complex medical condition.

DH work FT. He’s v hands on with childcare when he is at home evenings and on weekends.

OP posts:
Lifejigsaw · 01/08/2026 19:49

The whole thing is weird as he’s also suggested he be the stay at home parent so it’s not even trad wife stuff

op out of curiosity, why 3 or 3.5 days a week max once the kids are at school?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:48

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:43

He is very hands on with DCs. And he does lots around the house (never cooks though.). Has made comments before about the fact that I should iron his shirts without him having to ask as I’m at home with DCs. I told him where to go and he now quietly irons them himself….

Just as a little aside op, none of the men I have dated would ever dare suggest to me that I iron their shirts.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:46

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:43

He is very hands on with DCs. And he does lots around the house (never cooks though.). Has made comments before about the fact that I should iron his shirts without him having to ask as I’m at home with DCs. I told him where to go and he now quietly irons them himself….

Good. Ok, it’s sounding a little better. I would be reminding him that if he wants you to be wholeheartedly parenting, you can’t simultaneously cook, clean or iron because then you wouldn’t be wholeheartedly parenting. He’ll have to do that.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:44

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:16

I suppose he thinks one person should be at home “properly” raising the children.

What about what you think? Does that matter?

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:43

JHound · 01/08/2026 19:35

I assume he does zero childcare / domestic labour? Sounds like he wants a trad wife.

He is very hands on with DCs. And he does lots around the house (never cooks though.). Has made comments before about the fact that I should iron his shirts without him having to ask as I’m at home with DCs. I told him where to go and he now quietly irons them himself….

OP posts:
Bjorkdidit · 01/08/2026 19:43

He can't have it both ways. If he wants you at home doing everything he needs to earn all the money the household needs and a reasonable amount of wants. Plus covering your pension contributions while you're not working.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:43

Can you clarify op, and my apologies if I missed it, but are you currently doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare 24-7 plus working 2.5 days a week, and he does nothing but a 40 hour a week job? If this is the case, you will need to change this somehow before you burn out with exhaustion.

JHound · 01/08/2026 19:36

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 18:57

Maybe. He has said in the past if I were to up my hours more not to expect him to cook or clean at weekends.

Sorry but your husband sounds awful OP. Also his comment makes no sense. If you did more paid work why would he continue to refuse to share the cooking and housework on weekends.

JHound · 01/08/2026 19:35

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 18:43

He has said before that because I work 2 days per week I’m “not raising DC wholeheartedly”.

No, the extra half day is just on a Monday morning.

I assume he does zero childcare / domestic labour? Sounds like he wants a trad wife.

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:33

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:27

Properly raising the children is nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. That’s separate.

op, you seem incredibly passive and oblivious to what a complete horror this man is.

he thinks you are there to serve him. To give him children and make his life nicer by doing all of the drudge unpaid labour. He has zero respect for you and doesn’t really see you as a human. This attitude was prevalent in the 1950s but most women wouldn’t tolerate it now as we consider ourselves equal to men. Well, I think we’re superior but that’s not a discussion for now. Equal will do.

It might read as passive - I think I’m just a bit worn down and at a loss as what to do. I do realise it’s not at all good behaviour however it’s not as simple as just up and leaving for many reasons. One thought I had is giving him the ultimatum of going to therapy or we separate. Lots of his attitudes come from problematic upbringing.

OP posts:
WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:29

Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2026 19:22

I generally agree with the majority here in that he does sound controlling and misogynistic, but I am curious about a couple of things.

Does he way out earn you and was that always the case or did you give up a similar level job to him to have children? And, importantly, what did you discuss and agree to prior to having children. Surely, you discussed what life would look like?

I don’t think even if he 10x out earned you and you had always passionately wanted to stay at home that it would change your right to change your mind and go back to work part or full time, but I do think his viewpoint might be more understandable.

He’s always out-earned me many many times.

We discussed me working part time; he has said multiple times that I shouldn’t stop working as it’s beneficial to my mental health to have something ‘for me’, and also of course it brings more money in. We spoke previously about me gradually increasing my hours up to 3 or 3.5 days a week max by the time both DC are at
school.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:28

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:19

I should clarify- I don’t actually want to go FT, I just don’t see that going from 2 to 2.5 days is really a big deal…

It isn’t. He just wants to control you. You are there to do as he says.

Marroon · 01/08/2026 19:28

Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2026 19:22

I generally agree with the majority here in that he does sound controlling and misogynistic, but I am curious about a couple of things.

Does he way out earn you and was that always the case or did you give up a similar level job to him to have children? And, importantly, what did you discuss and agree to prior to having children. Surely, you discussed what life would look like?

I don’t think even if he 10x out earned you and you had always passionately wanted to stay at home that it would change your right to change your mind and go back to work part or full time, but I do think his viewpoint might be more understandable.

She wants to up her house from 2 to 2.5, it doesn’t hugely change their life at all, his anger is in no way understandable or justified.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2026 19:27

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:16

I suppose he thinks one person should be at home “properly” raising the children.

Properly raising the children is nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. That’s separate.

op, you seem incredibly passive and oblivious to what a complete horror this man is.

he thinks you are there to serve him. To give him children and make his life nicer by doing all of the drudge unpaid labour. He has zero respect for you and doesn’t really see you as a human. This attitude was prevalent in the 1950s but most women wouldn’t tolerate it now as we consider ourselves equal to men. Well, I think we’re superior but that’s not a discussion for now. Equal will do.

Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2026 19:22

I generally agree with the majority here in that he does sound controlling and misogynistic, but I am curious about a couple of things.

Does he way out earn you and was that always the case or did you give up a similar level job to him to have children? And, importantly, what did you discuss and agree to prior to having children. Surely, you discussed what life would look like?

I don’t think even if he 10x out earned you and you had always passionately wanted to stay at home that it would change your right to change your mind and go back to work part or full time, but I do think his viewpoint might be more understandable.

WhiskAverse · 01/08/2026 19:19

I should clarify- I don’t actually want to go FT, I just don’t see that going from 2 to 2.5 days is really a big deal…

OP posts: