AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

Well done!

Goodness! That’s a challenging time to wait, how nerve racking!

(Most vulnerable people too, that’s such a shame. Limited opportunity, phone credit etc..)

I hope you get through soon and that it’s helpful, one way or another. Knowledge is power and all that.

Good luck.

This must feel difficult and confusing for you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, to want to work and raise children. It sounds as if you and your partner have a few issues to work through. Some thoughts on your post: 1. Why are you responsible for the bulk of childcare and parenting? 2. If he believes that you (alone) are raising the children incorrectly why is he only bringing this up now? 3. What does compromise mean/ look like for both of you? It shouldn’t mean you back down to keep the peace. Why is he against you having the same chance he has to grow and progress in a job and be a parent?

He sounds vile. Does he not now give you ick? Head of the family is the wildest thing I’ve heard in a while.

This.

The current set up is not fair in the slightest!

And those bills include the cost of having children!!

This is horrible. His behaviour is vile, you are under reacting, he is a misogynist who looks down on you.

called him out on finance stuff a few times. He said ‘I feel like you just want access to all the finances, you’re bad with money, I should have control of our budget, I’m the head of the family, I’m in charge of our spending.’ Etc.

He also once said ‘Women spend too much money when the man earns more, I’ve seen it way too many times.’…. Called him out at the time but he just brushed it off

Yikes. Yikes. YIKES.

@WhiskAverse

I’ll be honest, the more you’ve posted, the more concerning it sounds.

Made you delete the spreadsheet?! WTAF?!

He’s financially controlling you. He doesn’t respect your career, your independence, or even you by the sounds of it.

What ‘facts’ is his view of you being bad with money actually based on? I imagine there aren’t any really, he’s over generalising.

He sounds like he needs therapy. It sounds like his role modelled parental roles are playing out and repeating here with you and your family.

Maybe you should attend therapy together. But he needs to change his attitude before he looses his marriage.

Call his bluff on things if you can, at least to give him the reality check maybe.

Maybe get some advice from SA support, that may help you see what’s going on more clearly, what’s ok and what’s abuse.

To be honest, would they not just go to nursery FT if you weren't there?

When I suggested a joint account we sat down and listed out all expenses/ outgoings etc and it was done in a “Ok, FINE, if this is what you want to do” kind of way - then he made me delete the spreadsheet we’d just made as he didn’t want me to “sit and stew over the numbers”.

Oh OP, he really is VERY controlling indeed. Why are you putting up with this?

He doesn't sound very nice.

Do you like him?

And the thing is that some people are so sure they want to be at home with the kids that they find someone who also wants their partner home with the kids. Then they have kids and they don't want to be that parent any more.

Hmn, isn't it supposed to be a team effort regardless of your earnings or politics?

As long as they can afford it, there's no right or wrong way for a couple to arrange work/ home tasks, but they should discuss it and it seems very weird he's forgotten-if this is new, has he got some medical issue? As in, someone who is generally good at remembering stuff wouldn't tend to forget something important.
If you don't need to do the extra hours, don't unless you want to, but he can't complain about that now.

I agree you absolutely hold the line. Do not work yourself to the bone at home to keep up with his expectations. Say calmly about various tasks ‘no they’re not done, I have less time now.’ About your job Say ‘yes of course I took it. I have to. Im in a marriage with a man who holds it over my head all the time that he earns the money and doesn’t give me a say financially, and never acknowledges I’ve looked after our children. In a marriage like that I need to earn as much as I can to safeguard my and our children’s future. Men like that cut off all funds if we separate, they don’t genuinely care about their children’s wellbeing and they never cared about their wife’s.’ Tell him straight out.
Therapy is a good idea because he sounds awful.

You have to cover all your kids costs and also do everything around the home? Goodness. How do men keep finding women to fall for this set-up.

So then what is his issue with you doing an extra day? Maybe he does not want you earning more money.

And it’s not so just do what you want to do. I massively sympathise OP. I used to work 1 day per week and upped it to 2 as I cover all costs for three kids and couldn’t make it work with less bit DH constantly complains of he’s asked to anything outside his “working hours” . Tells me to give up my job so I can concentrate on the house and kids but if I asked him to cover all the money I spend on the kids per month he’d have a heart attack.

Ignore all protests and do whatever you feel is best for you and the kids.