AIBU to resent my parents focusing on my sister and neglecting me?

They sound awful OP. Im glad your wife is helping you discover your worth.

I have no idea why my first post was deleted. I didn't say anything that broke talk guidelines.

I’m sure this message will get deleted like the first poster who raised this did. If you have a look at the comments on other peoples posts the op has made, they’re nasty. Taking the op at face value, and not reading between the lines that there is obviously another perspective here, doesn’t actually help the op who cannot grow and repair till they self reflect.

"They're not afraid of her, they genuinely believe all the stereotypes about white men and project them onto me."

You need way more help than what an online chat forum can provide.

Just see them as little as possible, when you do see them keep conversation on the surface. Focus on your own family- whatever happened to you it made you the person you are today, concentrate on being happy with that.
Having lavished love on your sister your parents had no love left for you- this is a deficency in them, there is nothing to be done-focus on your own life.

I definitely think there is something psychologically going on for you here and you are definitely playing a part in your experiences.

I’ve had an objectively awful home life growing up. I’m NC with some family because of that.

In spite of that I have an amazing life I built myself which I’m very grateful for and while I don’t think I’d ever seek reconciliation with my family members I accept they likely have very different experiences and that is what brought them to their life choices so I accept that. I could chose to hold on to the anger and expect them to make the situation right but they don’t have the capacity for that so instead I focus on doing it myself.

What do you mean they got your friends to leave town?? Who on earth would leave town just because someone else’s parents told them to?

How would your sibling have acted if they’d been treated as you were?

I had similar in my family but my mother was scared of my sibling. Not only scared of her anger but of losing her if she got too upset. So she spent thirty years pandering to her whilst I was, at times, treated like shit by both of them but expected to get over it. My mother couldn’t cope if I reacted differently to this.

I eventually went NC with both, but I should have done it long ago for my own MH. Is this possible for you?

I shouldn’t have chosen the 5 year old example in hindsight, I should have picked any of the others.
my point was in each of his examples the start of his story is their toxic reaction to his behaviour. But that isn’t the start of it. The start of it is his behaviour which he not once detailed. There seems to be absolutely zero self awareness going on.

Sometimes parents don’t know how to meet the needs of their DC. I saw it in my own family. A child who isn’t responding to the ‘typical’ parenting methods of the time can leave the parents at a loss to manage.
Then there’s an entrenched situation where child struggles, parents fail to help/Parents try to help, but their help isn’t understood or appreciated by the DC.

In my family it was my brother they struggled most with. Then when my son was born, DM struggled with him as well- very similar. After a dodgy start, I learned how to manage DS and he’s absolutely fine now, age 30. ND, but fine.

When the offspring is still a child, I absolutely blame the parents. It’s their job to find parenting methods that work, no matter how hard it is.
Once the child is an adult though, they share the responsibility for changing the dynamic between them.

Whatever that 5 year old did, it does not warrant being screamed at about being a sex/drug addict.

of all the examples you could have picked this is the one where the parents were clearly abusive.

Op, do you have autism? Or have any of your brushes with psychology suggested a diagnosis at all?

For example you have detailed about ten different examples of their negative response to something you’ve done, but totally omitted from your example what you actually did to cause this reaction. Ie your 5 years old story of screaming at you that you were out of control is the start of your story. Go back a step. Why were they saying that?

I would hazard a guess given some of the ridiculous things you wrote in your op, your response to a poster that noticed the way you respond on other threads, and the way you are so so negative and a victim ‘they forced me to di therapy’ , not ‘they kindly paid for therapy to try and help me’ - that their side of this story is very very different. Self reflection time.

"you want more than people can give". No I want to be treated like a person. Normal people exchange numbers and message each other quickly. Rarely does it feel like pulling teeth or being told im "annoying" for messaging them once and not pushing it. Thinking they'll get around to it in a few hours, not immediately call me in a blind rage.

Who are you talking about here OP, is this still your family or other people you've met, as you talk about exchanging numbers?

I found this very odd too. I’ve read about abusive parents preventing child from maintaining friendships, going out to play, parties etc. however them encouraging those friends to move town is something new and not sure I believe. I believe OP may believe it so, but I don’t think the parents did this.

Go ultra low contact. It sounds like whatever value they are adding to your life, they are taking more away. Net result: not someone you should remain in contact with other than superficially.

Respond to messages in a surface level meaningless way with bland pleasantries and they should get the hint and stop contacting you very often. If you aren’t in contact then they can’t guilt trip you. If this doesn’t work and they keep pushing nastiness your way, reduce it down to just responding to Happy Christmas or Birthday messages and if there is a very important event like a death in the family.

Leave your past behind. Focus on creating a better future.

For context, I never fit in at school and any time I had friends my mom would encourage them to leave town.

Can you give more context around this - are you saying your mum would encourage your new found school friend's parents to move town? And they would actually move away? How did your mum achieve that?
Or did you mean to say your family would move when you made friends?

Sorry to hear that things were so hard for you, OP. You’ve received some good advice on here, but you have to actually want to move on, for things to get better. Don’t stay in victim mode forever. You’d benefit from good therapy, to unpick and make sense of everything that happened (particularly before having children of your own, if that’s the plan). I agree that cutting off your family would be a good step forward. You’re a grown adult now, with a supportive wife. But you seem to be going round in angry circles.
Good luck.

You are an married adult now by the sounds of things, so time to cut them off and move on.

I think if you are expecting your parents to acknowledge they treated you unfairly then you are just building up more hurt and disappointment for yourself. You need to focus on healing without relying on them. You know what they're like and they're not going to change. It's not fair but you can find your own strength.

Your parents got you therapy. That suggests they were concerned and do care. If they felt they had something to hide, it's unlikely they'd have done that.

I do understand, to some extent, where you are coming from. My parents never helped with bullying issues, my sister was their preferred child (quieter child). I did have the activities, because my sister wasn't interested in them so much. Maybe your parents suggested volunteering because they wanted you to get out and about? She thinks I was the favourite, btw.

Childhood can be difficult and parents can't solve every issue. That's different to being unsupportive though. I get that. I have feelings about how unsupportive my mother has been over my life. That hasn't changed.

What you can do is focus on living your own best life. What do you want to do? How can you achieve that? Focus less on them and more on building your own world. Therapy does sound like a good idea so you can work through some of these feelings.

How old are you? Are you living at home with your parents?