DS escalating consequences given by DH

your DH is a spiteful bully. This is nothing to do with gaming, it's your husband not being able to control himself and parent your children. You need to step up OP.
Oh and some posters ignoring what the father then did to the young DD. Let just call a cunt a cunt. Why are we still condoning men behaving like this?

So I feel there are two things here.

firstly this is partially father-son butting heads. My son and my (then) husband did similar. In that case my H would decide the dishwasher needed emptying right now and would tell DS to do it irrelevant of what he was doing - homework, music practice, whatever.

it was so obviously a power play.
my then H and his father had a horrendous relationship when he was a teen - his father regularly saying while you are under my roof etc etc and my H wanting to move out as soon as he could. It got physical on a couple of occasions.

2 the gaming.
so if I was in the middle of a physical board game of monopoly and I was told I needed to stop right now I’d be fucking pissed off. Equally if I’m reading and I’m told to stop right now. It’s a power play and adults don’t usually do it to other adults.

your son does not sound like he games excessively. He’s got limits and he sticks to them. It’s very common now for friends to game together online and that’s how they socialise. When my son was at uni he gamed every Friday night with a group he was at school with and it was a great way to stay connected.

if you and your h have agreed to give fair warning to your son then I would suggest speaking to your dh about what that looks like and making clear you will not suppprt him if he simply randomly demands that DS stops.

clearly your dh is upset and angry and is taking it out on his kids. But escalating in this way just upsets them (they can see it isn’t fair and he’s taking out anger on them). It can also lead to them deliberately pissing him off of their relationship gets too bad.

Perhaps DH should stop being unreasonable and bullying his kids?
The OP was spot on when she said DS is being set up to fail and her DH should never have escalated things the way he did.

As others have said, the tone of the last bit of this comment is unpleasant. I also (and I say this as a reader but not a gamer) think the analogy to reading doesn't quite work, because a book can be put down and picked up exactly where you were, with maybe just a moment to get back into it. Gaming is more like watching live tv - obviously it's not more important than real life, but if you miss a bit you can't easily get it back, so being interrupted unnecessarily is really annoying.

That said, I do sometimes tell my family to wait until I've finished my chapter before I do whatever they're asking, and I don't think it's causing the family to fall apart! I'd be annoyed at them expecting me to stop reading and come look in the fridge for them at the very moment of their choosing, unless food was about to burn.

Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son.

No you are being completely reasonable. Your DH is a bully and abusive to both kids. Take the focus off DS not being perfect, he’s a developing child.

Your major issue is your husband.

Ok, so perhaps this type of addictive game should be avoided for the sake of family cohesion?

Your DH is an abusive bully. You need to have your sons back. I'd give him his computer back and tell your DH to stop acting like a controlling twat.

I mean if the ten year old daughter is taking it upon herself to get involved, he’s clearly not a big, scary abusive man.

Let me tell you, I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of asking my tweens to do something five hundred times before they’ll actually do it. It wears me right down and over the summer holidays it’s absolutely constant. I wouldn’t be locking anyone in rooms but I have lost my shit once or twice.

DH doesn’t appear to be able to control his temper and that is worrying.

Only you know how bad this is and how it’s affecting your children, but he doesn’t sound like someone I would want around my children.

When your husband has calmed down ask him if he’d like a better relationship with his son than he has with his dad.
it sounds like he doesn’t know how to be a father to a son if he’s never experienced it himself. He’s probably feeling really sad that his son doesn’t ‘obey’ him and doesn’t know what to do or how to be.

We are not a gaming family at all.
Both my dcs would be annoyed at being told to stop in the middle of a game.
As young adults now, theyd be annoyed if they were expected to stop for no reason at all.
And tbh, I’d be annoyed too.
And that’s despite the fact none of us really care about the games.

For me the ‘it’s just a game. It’s not important. Just do as you are told’ is just parents tryimg to impose their authority fur no reason at all agd bring authoritarian in the process. I dint find it gives a good outcome, parenting wise. Even less so in 15yo

There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors.

Hello OP,

How many times before has your DH tried to lock your son in his bedroom? Has he ever done this? And your DS is now 15yrs old?

Also, telling you to F off when trying to intervene? Does he speak to you like this about twice a month then? Or more often?

What about the slamming doors?

Is there a history of this?

Does he slam anything else? Break anything? Throw? Smash as well?

How frightened do the younger children feel around this behaviour?

Your poor DS.

How long have you been tolerating this kind of abusive behaviour?

What happens to you if you don't do everything that DH wants you to do?

Is this a familiar dynamic for you from your past?

What do you think is actually acceptable and what are you thinking going forwards about this?

It’s a game. So it should be allowed to continue another hour or two?

My DS has been gaming since age 10 (he’s now 22) and apart from going to work Monday to Friday and the gym 3 times a week he games constantly. He is a lovely lad, kind, sensitive and very shy (think he is somewhere on the spectrum and has a bit of OCD) My DH still can’t get his head around the fact that DS hardly ever goes out with his mates (they do about twice a month) but I tell him that’s the new normal now. Me and DH had quite a few arguments when DS was an teenager about how much he was gaming and what games he was allowed to play (I let him play GTA 5 since the age of 11). DS always did his studies and homework and we actively encouraged him to do exercise, swimming club twice and a week and he got his 1st Dan black belt age 11 in mixed martial arts. I would try and explain to your DH that shouting and swearing at your DS is not the answer.

@ThaQuilomum your d( is it at ally out of line and cannot control his anger. it’s not ok. It’s damaging to your dcs. And it’s actually damaging your marriage too.

The time limits you’ve put on your ds,as a 15yo, are miles to low. And I say this as someone who has always been strict in gaming.
It doesn’t teach your ds self regulation but rather treats him like a primary age school child when he us getting ready to si read his wings.
It sounds even more weird knowing your dh is a gamer. If he really is, he must be spending hours playing too. And I’m sure he wouldn’t like to be stopped in the middle of a game!

Now has your dh ever apoligised to his dcs about his over reaction?
Has he ever apoligised to you?
Because, fir me, that’s the first step that needs to happen

A child should also end a game if the parent tells them too. Life will not end if he stops midway and he should have the emotional capacity at 15 to do this.

It shows how pervasive gaming has become in households.

Does your DH have other stresses to be dealing with? Sometimes teenagers and adult pressures can be a pressure cooker but it seems a bit like DH has taken a position now and doesnt want to back down, but IMO respect is earned and hard for DS to respect someone who loses control like that. The situation with screen monitoring does seem a bit controlling, better to set the boundaries ahead rather than march in and demand he turns it off instantly. Maybe let the dust settle and then try a calm conversation to agree on future boundaries.

I find with teenagers asking for their input helps a lot. DS came home drunk recently (legal drinking age btw) and was sick everywhere, once sober I asked what he thought reasonable consequences would be and he said clean it up and do some extra chores which I thought was fair, for example.

DH needs to.learn to take a breath and maybe a 'fire break' of not doling out consequences for an hour to allow reflection and calmer response vs heat of the moment?

I’d be telling DH to leave, he’s abusive.
Your DS sounds like a normal 15 year old to me, sounds like a fair compromise to just let him finish a game

Forgive my gaming ignorance if actually leaving a game part way through actually is more of a problem than your family breaking down around you.

@Bigtrapeze thats quite a shityy comment.
Im not a gamer either but it’s not hard to see how it can feel difficult to stop,a game half way through. It doesn’t stop people interacting in RL. Nor is it ok to imply that the ds or the OP is breaking the family apart by not being able to step out.

You are both way too much on your DS’s case but DH’s uncontrollable temper is the primary issue to resolve. Agree it would be good if he could be persuaded to go and stay elsewhere for a while whilst you consider whether you want to continue in the marriage.

So the dad waited until the match was over, then the son kept talking back in a cheeky manner which escalated the situation. Clearly this sent the Dad over the top. The Dad lost control but the son didn’t help either.

It sounds like gaming is prioritised too heavily in your house OP.