DS escalating consequences given by DH

OP, do you ever have evenings out? Time away from the home? Because there is no way I would leave my son and probably my daughter, around your husband alone if this is how he behaves.

Same.

That kid needs to know that what his father did was absolutely wrong.

It sounds like your H lost control of his anger/rage and that it’s happened before. It’s toxic and needs addressing to prevent years of problems and resentment with DS.

He needs to find ways to manage his reaction when parenting teens, esp a son. Uncontrolled anger is terrifying for your children (and you) and has the potential to cause lasting damage.

If he cares about being a good husband and parent rather than just ruling through fear then he should accept counselling.

I would be telling him that counselling isn't an option anymore. It's that or leave.

I grew up with abusive, unpredictable parents, and it ruined me. Please protect your children. How are they today?

The moment my husband threatened to lock my child in the bedroom, it would be game over (pardon the pun). I am completely serious. There is no way I could live in a household with that kind of emotional abuse. It horrifies me and makes me feel quite sick.

Well DH is a nasty little man with a huge but fragile ego. A real Napoleon type, isn't he? I'm afraid I would give him warning that if he ever tells me to F.O. again it will be the last time, quite apart from his behaviour towards his son.
His behaviour towards his son was also appalling! If a rule has been set, everyone needs to stick to.it, so DS should have been able to finish his game. DH needs to find was to control his own behaviour before he starts trying to control other people's. I would be giving an ultimatum, here.

I agree with this. I would also suggest that your DH needs to role model the behaviour he wants to see. If he spends all day on his phone, as your DS pointed out, he can't really take the high road on screen time. And, if he overreacts, so will his son. This is all on your DH. Your son sounds like a good kid.

this seems to be the starting point ;

But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. @ThaQuilomum

why the sudden change from previous agreed rules ?

I missed the locking the kids in their rooms and locking himself away while you cleared up the mess he created. He has no respect for anyone - I’d honestly be rethinking my marriage particularly given he won’t seek support for his repeated behaviour.

Your DS is 15, demanding obedience is completely inappropriate at that age. Parenting teens is more about negotiation, reasoning and debate than blind instructions and immediate obedience.

I also don’t understand why you expect your teen to have more capacity for reflection than his dad. Teenagers learn that capacity by modelling - so your DG speaking to him about how, on reflection, he overreacted and was too harsh. Explaining why he overreacted (tired, frustrated etc) and committing to being more measured.

Your DH needs to pull his socks up - if you’ve agreed a process for DS leaving a game then he needs to stick with that not stand over him hectoring him. Your DH was so far over the line on this one, I’d struggle to have respect for him.

I am not a gamer either. However, it's a past-time DH and DD's very much enjoy, and I'm not going judge it negatively or disrespectfully because I'm not into it. Just as I used to give the girls warnings when they were into something, and they were going to need to disentangle themselves from it, I would be doing that in this situation. Sometimes, yes, there was negotiation that they were at this point, and it would be a pain, and could they get to that point, and then it would be fine. If that could be agreed to, without pain, then of course I did. Sometimes they were unhappy about it. In that case, compliance might come with a side of grumpiness. To a point, the grumpiness would be tolerated, because there had been compliance.

Shouting, ramping it up unilaterally and arbitrarily, because you don't feel your authority has been respected, is not parenting, it's bullying. If he has form for this, and it's occurring regularly and often, it's a serious issue, especially if your son is correct and it's disproportionately him that is copping it. Especially at this age, when you really need to ease off the authoritarian pedal, keep the lines of communication open, and model respectful interactions and methods of negotiation.

Your DH isn't just the parent, he is also the adult. He needs to show behaviours worthy of respect to be respected as a parent, and he is not doing this. Therefore his kids aren't respecting his parenting, including those on the sidelines, and neither is his parenting partner, who is placed between a Dad being a dick, and a kid that is confused, and distressed by his Dad's behaviour.

Some older houses do have doors that all have locks on them. I’ve stayed in holiday cottayes like this

@NorthCoast500 Insane post. That poor little girl must have been sick with fear standing up to the father who is supposed to love and protect his kids.

The father is abusive, end of.

The rage, apology, rage, apology where you have no idea what minor thing might ignite a rage is a common pattern of abuse.

Check out The Calm Parenting Podcast. This mismatch of parenting strategies is one of the recurring themes and he covers father/ son shitty parenting conflicts a lot, explains how it can be unnecessarily escalating the situation. He’s also mostly talking about much more challenging kids than yours and it might help your dh get some perspective.

You’re not likely to get through to him if he feels your approach is too soft. Sometimes it helps to have another man explaining it.

Do you play in your phone?
Do you scroll FB or IG?

Im going to guess that like 99% of people you do.
These games and platforms are built exactly the same.
I think YOU should stop all of those too. it’s not good for you right?

I am from a gaming family. I don’t, but DH and both DSs do.

The key to managing this well is to clearly set out timescales and warnings in advance. If they ignore them, I don’t mess about. I’ve turned their computers off (well, DSs’!!) once or twice - they learn fast then. But we have had very few problems over mealtimes etc and as long as they did their other activities and progress and behaviour at school were good we were ok with a fair amount of gaming because they were doing it with their mates.

In this scenario DH was well out of order - his behaviour was wholly unacceptable. I would go ballistic if my mine swore at me. He needs to understand that he is risking his relationship with every member of his family.

I would have roared at him to be honest and told him to get out. If on reflection he still thinks what he did was acceptable he needs to be made aware very quickly that it was not.

I mean if the ten year old daughter is taking it upon herself to get involved, he’s clearly not a big, scary abusive man.

That is clearly very naive. Many abusive men are lovely fathers to their daughters while using the wife and or sons as emotional and literal punching bags, the daddy girl, princess is well known phenomenon. The cynic in me is these abusive men realise it is in their long term interest to have a girl child that thinks they’re decent in old age and they need nursing.

Yes agreed.

The most concerning part for me here is "bedroom keys" and DH locking himself in the sitting room.

Why do all your rooms have locks??

No advice. I feel your pain. My teens have adhd and probably dh does too. He is very prone to doing what your dh did.

I have a 15 year old on screens all day. I dont see the problem with it, so long as he has friends, goes out and does well at school