DS escalating consequences given by DH

DH over reacted big time. But, if I gave my DC notice that game time was over in? Say 15 minutes, than after 15 minutes to shut the computer down, that’s what I’d expect him to do, He’d have been told it was coming and when and it came. I understand he wouldn’t want to stop. But them’s the rules. BUT, DH’s punishment is way out of proportion to natural consequences.

You realise that what you’re describing is him being violent?
Thats you’re in abuse territory. Punching wall, breaking your stuff.
And then silent treatment afterwards.
And it happens often. Because once a week IS often.

And it’s not because it’s mainly directed towards your ds that it isn’t abuse.

I think you need to open your eyes on how bad things are @ThaQuilomum

My dad was like this with me and it damaged our relationship beyond recovery. He for the last 20 years he has tried incredibly hard to be my friend but I can never really trust him. I guess it’s for your DH to work out what sort of relationship he wants with his son when he’s an adult.

It sounds such an awful abusive situation.

I just wondered too if your DH is jealous of his son..the connection to his friend/s via gaming and maybe his abilities whilst gaming...because his behaviour is just so aggressive.

I suppose it doesn't matter as you can't allow your children to live in an abusive environment...you have a year until important exams?

@ThaQuilomum

Kill me now, but the angst generated about gaming and the length of screen time for a 15 year old, perplexes me somewhat, caveat, we are a gaming household.

Your husband, even if he is frustrated, took the completely wrong approach, tbh his reaction was somewhat infantile and shouting at your son like that, should never be acceptable.

It's the school holidays, his (your son's) best pal is on holiday, gaming fills his soul, what is actually the problem here?

If your son is complying with his household chores and spending quality time with the rest of your family, why severely limit his passion for gaming? What else should he be doing?

; for punctation

You grew up in a shitty home and I say that as someone who grew up in a very shitty home.

But it sounds like you have the same rules for your kids, which is really sad.

If I was watching a movie that was nearly finished and it was bedtime, I would always be allowed to watch the ending of it.

If I was on the phone, I would also be allowed a couple minutes to say how I need to go and to say bye etc.

You sound controlling if you think it’s uncommon to allow your kids a couple more minutes to finish what they’re doing.

Your Husband is abusive. This is not normal
behaviour, you do not need/should not put up with this. Your poor children!

Almost every week he explodes with rage. That’s awful.

But this happens every two weeks. You’ve previously said your dh needs to address this behaviour through cancelling. And yet you’re all still there, accepting this is normal. You are standing by. Nothing has changed as a result.

OP your husband is abusive. To you and son and I imagine, if they ever refuse to do his bidding, to daughters too one day.

This is probably going to sound weird because it's not what people do, but it's what I'd do if finances allowed (and I'd change my job or raise my hours if that would make finances allow it). Because even divorce takes time and many people simply won't get divorced from their abusive partners for whatever reason.

I'd rent/buy a one bedroom/studio flat and tell nobody. Decorate it for yourself so it's clear it's your space. Basic furniture, single bed, small fridge, microwave, key meters for gas and electric.
Nothing too cozy or teen friendly, no games consoles or much storage, maybe no washing machine, cooker or TV. Just somewhere to go to decompress, rather than somewhere any of them is going to want to take over or move into (because everyone needs to share it and there'll only be one bed) or feel like they can throw a typical teenage party or bring partners back to. They sound like pretty sensible kids who you could trust to respect the place in their late teens.

When each child turns 16 I'd give them a set of keys and tell them they can share it with you so long as they keep the secret of it's existence, but that they'll need a part time job so they can contribute to gas and electric. It will give them all space to breathe, to be themselves, act like adults keeping the place clean and paying the utilities, and give some respite from their dad's moods.

Because unless you divorce and husband moves out immediately, I can see DS leaving home ASAP and not returning. I wouldn't blame him either.

You've allowed a situation to develop whereby his social life is online, through gaming. So banning gaming (the only other solution I can think of, other than divorce) and insisting DS picks another hobby is both hypocritical, if his dad is a gamer himself, and also unrealistic in terms of maintaining a relationship with DS, because at 15 he'd resent you for destroying his social life and might never forgive you.

Disgusting behaviour from your husband. Your poor son, he doesn't deserve that. I imagine once he's old enough (possibly in a year) he'll leave home and not speak to his dad much. He might not even speak to you unless you do something about it now.

And this is nothing to do with ADHD - your husband is an abusive bully.

This is chilling. He blows up almost every week? I think you’re under-reacting to the wider issue, OP. Please don’t normalise his explosive anger. None of you should have to live like this, presumably on eggshells in between?

In fact, there’s a recognised mental disorder around this:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921

you have a massive DH problem as others have said

he shouts and gets angry but then punishes your son for the same behaviour? Your 10 year old was so scared she tried to intervene - that’s the key warning here that your DH is out of control

Domestic abuse does not begin and end with violence.

Flip the question the other way - how often do you and your children find yourselves tiptoeing around him to avoid him blowing up like this?

DH is a control freak and I feel so sorry for your poor son 💔

Your son is literally being scarred by his dad emotional abuse and is going to carry these for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, you sticking up for DS is going to cause DH to be more controlling (but don’t stop)

Can you seriously not see how insane it is that DH was going to lock DS in his bedroom??

Has DH ever been controlling/aggressive towards you?

Jesus Christ.

At what point do you say enough?

OP what you’re describing in recognises abusive behaviours. The violence my not be physical but it is intimidation and silent treatment is abusive too. Your son is getting the brunt of it. I think you need to wait until he’s calm and tell him he needs to get help or else he needs to leave to protect your son

This is abuse. Please make a plan to safely leave this marriage for your and your kids’ safety and happiness.

100% my dad was awful to my brothers (stepdad to them) didn’t so much as raise his voice to me and I felt confident to be able to step in to calm my dad down as I knew i wouldn’t get the brunt of his anger.

I remember my brother left me alone while he should have been babysitting me. My dad came home early and when my brother turned up he pinned him to the wall. He wasn’t normally violent but he was this time. I intervened and he stopped and said ‘you’re lucky she’s here’. My brothers had very different childhoods to me.

Such a good and important list of questions.

the gaming is a red herring here - the husband is abusive and trying to LOCK the son in his room. Totally awful.

Or just give your son a 20 minute warning. ‘Times up DS, if you’re not finished in 20mins you’ll have to just turn it off.’ No escalation, not screaming, clear instruction. If they ignore and start a new game just turn the WiFi off and say sorry but you were warned. Dont need to scream in anyone’s face or tell your wife to fuck it. Or stop your son doing normal things like gaming if that’s their interest just so they do as they’re told as and when you demand it.

The first thing I would do is remove the keys from the house. Imagine if you were out when this happened and DH had locked him in.

My opinion is that a 15 year old would be given an end time for gaming rather than a screen time limit, encourage him to manage this time on his own and step in where needed. DS would need a consequence for the swearing, but an apology from DH for the rest. I wouldn’t put a limit on his phone either, but I would suggest it was left downstairs at bedtime. He is soon to be an adult so there needs to be a transition period, not just treating him like a child then expecting him to be an adult.

Is your marriage happy? I never feel I need to intervene with DH, and the fact DD felt they had to also step in flags a problem to me with your husbands behaviour. I’m a strong believer of history repeating itself so if your children grow up in that environment they will find themself in similar as adults or be the one to create it.

You both are wayyyy too strict with him! Poor boy must feel totally suffocated! If you’re not VERY careful, he’ll grow to hate you both and when he leaves , he won’t visit and if he has children you might not able to see them. I’ve seen it happen before. . I have three adult DC , 2 boys and they gamed like crazy. They’re successful lovely young men and we see them a lot. Pick your battles.