DS escalating consequences given by DH

I’d say ‘Hey dh. If you get to lose your shit and swear at a 15 year old boy, your son, then I get to do that at an adult, and you say not one fucking word. You’re the adult- I want every fucking internal door key in the house handed to me now then you to walk out the door and take sometime to think. I need you to get the fuck out of our home with your rages and swearing and punishments and banning screen time and locking doors. Go visit your dad, that sounds productive since if he’s anything like you no shit Sherlock you feel like he loves your sister more, exactly the same as ds will. Because you do love dd much much more based on your actions and your rage - not a word from you IM TALKING, if I want to swear at an abusive adult I fucking well will and you do not get to argue with me, give me the keys, take your rage, your shit parenting, your anger, your favouritism of your daughter and your intolerance of your son, take all your fucking bullshit and go, GET THE FUCK OUT.

im not joking; this is basically every week or two. Its abuse and he’s escalating, he needs you to tell him to get his own fucking shit together and not come back to the house until he has and if he ever punches any thing or locks anyone up your next step is the police. Because it should be.

Read this back to yourself please. What would you say to your closest friend or little sister (if you had one) if they told you this about their DH?

I have a 15 year old DS, he plays siege, he also goes out with his friends, plays football, and does fine at school. I just leave him to it, it doesn’t cause an issue.

@ThaQuilomum I don’t condone your DH losing his temper, but I do think you are in danger of excusing unacceptable behaviour from your DS too. I think you are perhaps overcompensating because you don’t like your DH’s reaction- but I think this is unwise because it gives out the wrong messages. Yes, you need to tackle DH’s loss of temper, as it doesn’t sound like it’s a one off, and DS needs to know that you are aware there is an issue and it’s not ok. BUT you also have to help him understand that he has been in the wrong too, and what he needs to do differently too. And that includes taking any negative consequences on the chin. Be careful that he is not playing you off against each other too- my brother was a master at that and it caused quite a lot of conflict in our household for a time. Looking back on it with adult eyes, I see why and how it happened but I think my dad got a harder time than was fair because my mum defended my brother far too much (not that dad got it right either). It didn’t do him much good either, if I’m honest- something my mum agrees with.

I understand you have a general rule about giving warning before time to stop gaming- fine. However, I don’t understand why your DS cannot, on occasion, be told he has to stop the game immediately- and then be absolutely expected to do so? He doesn’t have to like it but, ultimately, he has to do as he is asked. Failure to do so should result in some sort of consequence, imho. When he failed to accept that consequence and started insulting his father, I think it is correct that there are further negative consequences- further loss of screen time seems appropriate. I think it’s ok for your DH to be angry that your DS did not do as he was asked and then was really rude and disrespectful. I also think it’s ok for is ok to show you are angry. Not to shout in his face and lose the plot, which is where he is wrong.

Your DH does need to reign in his temper- though I have to admit to losing my temper with a foul-tempered, rude teenaged offspring on the very odd occasion. Yes, their brain is developing but that is the reason they do act inappropriately, it doesn’t excuse it or mean they can expect to be exempt from the consequences when they are wrong. Your DH does need to find a way to control his temper and needs to apologise to DS for that- not for giving him consequences when he did not behave as expected, or for being angry when he was insulted. Your DS needs to apologise for his wrongdoings too.

sounds like it escalated as your DH didn’t believe the game had actually started, so probably feels DS is pushing his luck and had loads of time already. My son loved to game, but if him gaming was leading to massive family arguments, then i’d be telling him to find a new hobby. The more he plays, the more addictive he becomes. That said, it’s the school hols, and mine had no time limits. My son put his PS4 away term time when GCSE’s started, so I didn’t mind him playing late into the night during holidays. Your DH has anger issues and I wouldn’t have been on his side either. But your son was also rude to his father. A break from the game is a good thing, but DH need to address his anger or have a poor relationship with his son.

I agree, I don’t know much about gaming but I wouldn’t walk into a room where my fifteen year old was playing monopoly with her friends and say she had to stop playing right now and then go mad when she said she was in the middle of a game. Or tell her she had to stop watching a film with her friends and lock her in her bedroom because she objected.

I put yabu as you should've protected your children and left already.

Relationship counselling. DH thinks he’s right and proportionate and he doesn’t care what you think, or he’s too far down the narcissistic injury response to have insight. You need to discuss this with a referee in the room to offer him an outside perspective. If that doesn’t work he needs to leave, this is emotional abuse of your children.

You need to speak calmly to dh away from the kids and at a time emotions are calm. He needs some anger management partly so he can parent effectively and partly he must be miserable himself constantly flying off the handle. I'd expect him to recognise this issue in himself and take action. If he refuses to listen, then you have to decide whether you can cope with this kind of marriage. As it is, he is setting a horrid example for your kids and is also ruining the family atmosphere/dynamics. I have a clear rule for everyone in the house, we simply do not shout at each other. There is never a need (unless it's a cry for help or safety), a lot of people in our generation grew up with "a bollocking" or a smack and the idea that kids learn from being threatened/bullied unto fear and submission is hard wired. It needs unwiring, shouting at ds won't make him listen, threatening him and bullying him is not giving him cause to respect your dh. Speak to dh about what he actually wants the dynamic to be, if he wants respect then he has to earn it with a 15 year old by being someone he looks up to and values in his life. If that is what he wants, he needs to work with a therapist or anger management expert to get there. If he simply doesn't believe he is the issue or continues to blame ds when all is calm, then you've got a longer term problem here. Even if the ultimate issue is that ds needs to come off his games when asked, the method used by dh is not working and is upsetting everyone, so something needs to give - your sons behaviour is a moot point really, as your dh can't manage it and himself appropriately whatever he is doing.

Divorce fixed a similar problem for me.

Ex is also much better with the teen DC now and their relationships have improved - possibly because he knows they will choose not to see him if he shouts at them.

Massive overreaction.

Very controlling too.

Sweetheart, as someone who has been there, 1 - 3 times a month is at worst almost weekly?

My dh does this occasionally and by occasionally I mean a couple of times a year and I have kicked him out and spoken to a divorce lawyer. He went for counselling and sorted a number of issues (this happened after his father died). Things are a bit better now but by no means perfect.

But if this is happening that often, you need to think of the impact on the kids. Its so hard cos its their dad and you love him but in practical terms and a really weird analogy, if a car were breaking down and causing you this much stress 1 - 3 times a month - would you keep it?

If ds was getting bullied or this behaviour happening at school 1 - 3 times a month, what would you be doing?

If DD was witnessing this aggression 1-3 times a month at school, what would you be doing?

Are you letting things go just cos its their dad? And i do say that with love, not judgement!

Exactly this!
honestly, he’s 15! Please please please give him some freedom! He sounds like a very good kid!

& your husband sounds awful. There is no way that I would allow someone to treat my children like that. Take some of your energy from controlling your son to either look into leaving your husband or helping him with his anger issues

You need to wait till everyone has calmed down. Keep your DS off his device for now, and tell both of them you are going to sit down when everyone is calm and reevaluate the rules around DS gaming. Obviously it will be in DS interests to participate if he wants to game again. If DH chooses to be a child and not take part then so be it, you and DS will sit together and decide on the rules then you will put them to DH. Write them down so everyone is clear. You can obviously include when DS is allowed to game and for how long. It sounds like your current rules are quite liberal and personally I think that’s ok for a young person his age who clearly enjoys gaming and gets something social out of it as well. There is a frustration in having to stop part way through though. So maybe you could build something in like setting an alarm, what, half an hour before time up? Or however long works for the game itself. No new games should be started after the alarm. Obviously you’re not going to be sitting with to necessarily hear the alarm, but regardless, the game goes off at time up. But if you’ve built in something to help signal to DS that it’s time to wrap up. Make sure it’s very clear what the consequences are if there is any pushback. If it gets to the point where you have to pull out the plug, no gaming tomorrow. Ideally you want him reliably turning off at the agreed time, or at least turning off with no debate when you remind him it’s time up.
Also include what to do if he’s home alone, which me might well be for periods at 15?
And give you OH a serious talking to about his temper. Honesty if this continues and he can’t get on board with a cooperative approach then I’m not sure what the future holds. You could suggest that you take sole control of everything to do with managing DS gaming, until such times as the system is running smoothly. He clearly doesn’t have the skills, sense or temperament to manage this right now.

Your son is 3 years away from being an adult… it’s not as far away as it sounds and he could easily turn round and cut his dad off when he’s old enough. Harsh but it is reality and happens a lot nowadays. Hope everyone can sort it out xx

I would be safeguarding my son, H is an adult he completely messed this up last night and what on earth was he thinking of by looking to ‘lock a 15yo in his room.’. I don’t like that at all. He is nasty and abusive, get your son’s computer back for a start then think about how you are going to protect your kids and give H 2 options- it never happens again or he goes.

Just read the updates… leave…. he is a piece of shit

Blimey I just read your other replies, I'd leave him, you live with an unreasonable, violent bully doesn't give a shit. You have a duty of care firstly to your children and you're enabling this situation
.

This isn’t about gaming, it’s about an abusive husband. Hitting walls, throwing things, storming about isn’t a safe way to deal with conflict.

I would make plans to leave, whatever that looks like financially and practically. What do you think he’ll do when he runs out of walls? Your children are telling you in their behaviour that they don’t feel safe, you’re trying to keep the peace and not managing, because billy big bawz needs it all his own way. Get out as soon as possible, your future self will thank you.

I'd threaten to chuck your husband out or threaten to leave. His behaviour isn't acceptable or helpful. Your son sounds perfectly reasonable. Swearing isn't great but understandable. Why shouldn't be answer back, is he just expected to be treated like a three year old.

Teenage boys will stand up to their fathers, it's not uncommon, they're asserting their dominance, if this isn't resolved it could escalate into physical fights. Your husband sounds like he's not in control of his emotions and massively escalated the problem, you say it happens regularly. That's not acceptable, he should be sitting everyone down to discuss what happened, apologising and talking about how you can all move forward.

I wouldn't have respect for him, doesn't sound like your son does either.

What a shame, your son sounds like a normal fifteen year old with normal hobbies and interests. I don't think many fifteen year olds are in cub scouts and fishing in their free time. It would be nice if he was online less but as he pointed out is your husband. Does your husband ever take him to the football, laser quest, a bike ride, a swim, the cinema etc, sounds like their relationship needs a lot of work.

I get why you replied a bit snarky you are feeling vulnerable and attacked but I honestly believe you and your son are being abused by this man and think you need to understand the gravity of this instead of ficussing on the gaming aspect. I have just re read your replies. and my statement still stands. You DO have a lock on your Child's door and that is a safeguarding concern. The fact that they haven't been used since you moved in is irrelevant. They are there, you have for whatever reason felt the need to keep them/the keys, the father has now attempted to use it and moving forward the opportunity is there to do so again. As your son gets older, bigger and more defiant of the overbearing nature of his father and seeing him swearing at you, breaking hair brushes, punching walls and emotionally abusing you with weaponosed silence I can almost guarantee this won't be the last time. It's not just your son, you mention he treats the girls differently. He may not be abusing them (yet) but they are learning that this kind of behaviour is normal. Put all the little incidents together instead of seeing them as individual oh he only did this once or one time he did such and such see the pattern.

This is unequivocally repeated abusive behaviour.

He's already refused to go to counselling to reflect on and amend his behaviour patterns. This will not change for the better.

It's ducks in a row time because he will damage your son, your daughter, and already your perspective on reasonable, healthy behaviours in a family is distorted.

You have good kids. Don't let him damage them.

Gaming seems to be very taboo on here but it can be a great hobby and so much better than social media.

There are loads of positives about it, it is proven that it is good for cognitive development and social development.

Surgeons are encouraged to game because of the positive effects it has on the brain.

Most professions that require precision and concentration like surgeons and pilots will incorporate some form of video games into the training and have done for years.

I know women in their 80s that play games like candy crush and wordle every single day.
They’re not as social but they’re still great for cognition.

If you’re ever confused about how much is too much etc just imagine it is like watching TV or reading.
Both can be very good for you but can become unhealthy if that’s all they do.

You wouldn’t expect someone to immediately turn off the TV or stop reading.
You would say finish the chapter you’re on and if the programme only has 15mins left, you would let them watch it until the end.

I am the mother of two previously gaming adults. Its the biggest curse in a household as they love it but we hate it. My youngest ds was especially fond of it and that was how he communicated with his friends. We never allowed in in their bedrooms but l have to admit allowed far more than we were comfortable with as you couldn't be after them constantly. I did finally grasp that concept of needing tp finish a game as their friends were on and the competition was fierce. We did have rows but never as crazy as your dhs reaction. He needs to learn from this. I remember going to a talk in their school and the psychologist said..you are all here to learn how to manage your teens but l will mostly be speaking about parents managing their own emotions!!. Could you and your dh do a parenting course?
Saying all this my two sons never game now, have lots of friends, wonderful gfs, good jobs with college degrees. Gaming is a stage, a difficult one but its important not to panic thinking you're raising a delinquent. Its very normal for his age and you may need to give him a bit more freedom as stirring your child to anger and frustration is counter productive.

Why should he respect an abusive man. Why cant he game with friends.

Is what your son says about your husband true?