AIBU to feel upset after my husband liked a hurtful reel?

Yeah- maybe you should’ve mentioned this in your OP.

You both sound like you’d be better off apart tbh.

No I said I'd think someone questioning why I liked things online was a controlling loon.

But I also said I understand why she did It, because she doesn't trust him. So they should split.

Is that ok?

Stop throwing round 'gaslighter' insults at me.

🙄 op kindly you need to unclench and grow up . It's not a massive deal and I think you need to work on yourself and your own confidence and self worth

Because I'm saying that that is what they would say. They leave out the context of why a person is upset and then twist it around to make out that it's in fact the other person who has done something wrong, which can often have the effect of making the person question their reality wondering 'am i controlling' even though they were just reacting to something inappropriate their partner had done and of making them never question anything their partner does in future because they've been trained not to.

After he was caught messaging a Latina and then she saw that reel of course she would be upset ,most people would be and most would question it.

If the man then responds 'oh you're policing my likes now?' then he's changing the context, ignoring why she's upset and DARVOing the woman to make out she's done something wrong.

Often then that means the person has to explain why they were upset, even though it should have been immediately obvious, and very often the gaslighter will then say 'what are you on about?'. It's in the script.

You initially said that if your partner was upset about something like that you'd consider them to be a controlling loon, when really they're not, you've just ignored the context of why they were upset and tried to make it into something else.

Yeah I agree.

I don't know why you're calling me a 'gaslighter' though and I'm not having it.

It’s actually very easy to accidentally like something online. It’s happened to me a couple of times, thankfully with innocuous stuff.

Some weird comments on here.

If the OP had been caught messaging some hot young gym guy and then she liked a comment saying 'when your husband doesn't notice blah blah but notices when you like pics of a hot gym guy' no one would tell her he was being controlling if he didn't like it, they'd ask her what she was thinking liking it, and was she missing a sensitivity chip and was she trying to emasculate him and degrade him!

I've no idea what you're on about.

Exactly what a gaslighter would say 😂

The comment he liked shows that she has a reason not to trust him.

I wouldn't be in a relationship like that either.

To message women online, then mock their partner where anyone could see it, completely unacceptable, He would have problems in any relationship he's in if that's how he behaves so OP is not the issue.

I've no idea what you're on about. That was the part of what I said you chose to reply to. So I replied to your comment?

I think it's controlling to police what people 'like' on SM. It shows the relationship lacks trust and I wouldn't be in a relationship like that.

You clearly disagree. Which is fine.

In which case you'd be disingenuous and heading towards gaslighting, ignoring context and trying to instead make out the issue was something else. That's controlling, trying to train someone to never challenge you on anything because you'll twist it around and make them feel controlling instead.

Reminds me of a picture I saw before that said something like.

'Men really love to leave the context out of arguments'.

Woman, mad that her boyfriend went to KFC with an ex.

Man: 'You're really annoyed with me for eating some chicken?"🙄

This marriage is over. You don’t/cant trust him, therefore you’re becoming controlling.
There’s nothing here worth salvaging

So let's list what he's done

Before you were married, just started seeing eachother, he slept with someone else.

He's been messaging a friend from when he was a kid and lived next door to that she will get over her divorce and find someone else

She added you as a friend

He's called himself the devil for doing the above

You no longer trust him

Right now that's spelt out I have one question... given the very first point...why did you marry him?

But it's just too much! Someone pressed a button. They do it hundreds of times a day. Imagine having to be questioned to the nth degree about the precise reason why you chose to press a button that takes under a second?! If someone did that to me I'd think they were a controlling loon.

It's not 'going through someones social media', When you scroll instagram reels come up that people you know have liked, and you can see their profile picture with a love heart on the reel, so it's instantly obvious that that person liked them.

This is the massive drip feed, OP.

Time to get your ducks in a row….

YANBU to be upset.
YABU not to end it. This relationship is a shit show and is not going to get better.
Just end it and move on.

When you say he slept with a friend who he said was a lesbian, do you mean he actually had sex with her and then claimed it didn't matter because she was a lesbian, or are you saying he shared a bed with her? I think that matters in terms of his history.

Sorry but it's just social media. Anyone who cares that deeply about someone else's 'likes' is both controlling and immature. Not saying I would 'like' it myself but FFS who has time or inclination to go through other people's SM questioning every reaction. It's not even a comment?!

It’s ‘off his own bat’, not back. And you do sound like hard work, sorry.

Well, it could have been an accident- I saved a few reels recently without meaning too- was just scrolling and did it inadvertently. Only noticed when checking something else. So it is possible.

but if he did intentionally like it, maybe he is trying to let you know something. Bit of a daft way to go about it, in my view, but maybe he knew you wouldn’t ignore that post?

it's about being upset that he thinks that way

yes I agree with you and that's understandable. I think OP got a hard time as the way it was framed in the original OP was that it was about liking the insta reel itself. I think if OP had said- AIBU to be upset that my partner won't accept he was wrong and is playing the victim, and then used the insta like as an example of evidence for this, I think the replies would be different. Equally my advice to OP is to focus on this when she talks to her partner, not the fact of whether or not he liked the insta post.

It’s classic darvo behaviour. Turning himself into the victim even though he is the one in the wrong.

I honestly don’t think it’s worth staying. Leave him then he can actually have something to cry and be sad about.

He's not a great guy. He's already cheated on you (and lied about it), and when you've confronted him about more recent inappropriate behaviour, his reaction is to make it all about him. Liking the reel is just the cherry on top, confirmation that he sees himself as the victim here. The whole 'oh, I'm such a very bad man' act would fill me with disgust. Then he tried to lie that liking the reel was an accident? Yeah, I don't think so. He's not man enough to defend his position and explain why he liked it. He always jumps to the easy lie.

Neither of you sound like you're in a good place at all. Forgiving him the first time he cheated was probably the wrong choice. I'd be questioning the chances of this relationship ever making you happy.

Did you miss the bit where it said “When they don’t know you’re sad..” If the reel was about the situation, he’s obviously feeling that way, OP. But you focused on the second bit about the woman. It’s not hurtful towards you, it’s just that he could relate to it. It doesn’t sound very happy there.

Because the joke reel referred to liking a photo of a Latina woman.