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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

212 replies

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:59

The children don’t know i’m sad, i’m very present, we do lots of lovely things and they’re very happy.
He is an amazing dad, he’s z terrible husband.
I’m not stupid, i think i’m just a bit wounded from the past. I don’t know 😩

OP posts:
Poonu · 01/08/2026 09:56

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

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It makes me laugh when people say this he's not an excellent dad because he abuses the mother.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/08/2026 09:56

He doesn’t sound an excellent dad. Where are your kids today whilst you were both supposed to be at a concert?

Gemilo · 01/08/2026 09:51

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

No, he isn't an excellent dad if he is making his kids' mother miserable. Don't waste anymore years of your life on him.

Swiftie1878 · 01/08/2026 09:51

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

You can leave now. Stop allowing this to happen to you and using your kids an excuse to be feeble.

Zippidydoodah · 01/08/2026 09:48

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

12 more years?! No, don’t put up with being abused for 12 more years!

he’s not an excellent father if he’s treating their mother like this.

letticeq · 01/08/2026 09:41

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

He's not an excellent dad. He ruins everything. He makes their mum.miserable.

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2026 09:38

Go. This is day one of your new life.

TheHonestSnail · 01/08/2026 09:35

Stop being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself and leave.

BarrelofBeer · 01/08/2026 09:33

12 years! Please don't put up with this for 12 years. Life is far too precious and short to lumber yourself with this miserable bastard.

Likeiloveyou · 01/08/2026 09:30

12 more years?! Don’t do this to yourself.

Plan your separation and get out of this relationship.

MrsStarkey · 01/08/2026 09:29

You might want to start a thread in relationships for a more supportive response that’s focused on you.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2026 09:27

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

The kids loving him doesn’t stop if you split up, they will still see him. They don’t deserve 12 more years of their mum being miserable and worn down by a man, faking it through life. They deserve 2 parents present who love them, even if that’s in different houses. So don’t kid yourself that you are staying ‘for the kids’.

BigAnne · 01/08/2026 09:26

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

Excellent dads don't abuse their kids mother.

SandwichSuperstar · 01/08/2026 09:25

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

Show quote history

Yes because all excellent dads treat the mother of their children like shit.

Honestly, the bar for 'excellent dad' is so low on this forum, it's buried under a tonne of rubble.

MrsStarkey · 01/08/2026 09:25

I know it sounds trite but you can’t keep doing the same thing and get a different result.

So if it doesn’t impact the children, and normally you’d go and pretend to be ok, I’d skip it. Unless you can enjoy yourself, or it’s an important concert for you.

Original poster
Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

Ooodelally · 01/08/2026 09:17

why are you tolerating this? It sounds miserable and he sounds a right prick!

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 01/08/2026 09:21

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:12

To edit, i’m supposed to be there with him and our friends.

OK, if they are really his friends and you don’t fancy it, don’t go. But do do something else, take yourself off into another city, go to see your own friends if you can arrange it, if not just go swimming and our for lunch on your own.

But if you do want to go, go. And I would make a point of digging at him and making it clear that all is not well in front of his friends “oh don’t ask Pete if he wants a drink, last night he ignored me and then called me a nag!”. Or “sorry about Pete, he’s behaving like a sulky toddler at the moment- I think he can’t deal with the heat.” Maybe confide in a few of the friends who are actually “yours” about what’s been going on. Make things difficult and awkward for him.

Do not, under any circumstances, stay at home- that is letting him win.

And yes, make a plan to leave him asap, this is abuse and life is too short. Do you work? Is the house yours/ joint names? Could you go and stay with family, cheap Airbnb, in a caravan for a few weeks over the holidays and leave the twat to stew while you make a plan?

MrsStarkey · 01/08/2026 09:21

He has to change
or you have to leave.

But first you have to change. Because neither of those things will happen before you do.

Get back in your body
I do this by putting my hand on my sternum and grounding my feet on the floor.
Take at least three deep breaths.

What do you feel like doing right now? Because that’s more important than how it looks to others or what he wants or expects.

You matter and you are not responsible for holding it together under this kind of duress.
For pretending to have fun despite being attacked.

IamSmarticus · 01/08/2026 09:20

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:18

He’s going whether i went or not. I’ll make up an excuse about being poorly.

Why make up an excuse? Just tell him you don't want to go because he will only ruin it for you again.

And whilst he's gone, start making arrangements to leave.

Original poster
Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:18

He’s going whether i went or not. I’ll make up an excuse about being poorly.

OP posts:
Ooodelally · 01/08/2026 09:17

why are you tolerating this? It sounds miserable and he sounds a right prick!

TisEye · 01/08/2026 09:17

Have you pointed it out to him & asked him why he behaves like this?

Slategrey788 · 01/08/2026 09:17

You know why you wrote this post op. It’s the first step. Be strong. Good luck 💐

Original poster
Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:16

Other husbands are there. Definitely doesn’t try and keep me indoors, no jealousy etc. It’s just like he has to ruin everything nice, every single time. x

OP posts:
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