I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

Whatever you do, keep your friends and interests. Both divorce and an unhappy marriage are easier with them.

This

This is all you need to know. Do it; don’t let him diminish your life by taking away your days.

He’s not an excellent dad if he treats you like this. An excellent dad is supportive of their kids’ mum.

Oh poor you OP. He’s mentally exhausted you. You can’t make decisions, you’re taking the path of least resistance, because you are exhausted. You need to rise out of the exhaustion so you can make sensible, adult decisions about your life.

it might not be fast- it might take a year or two. But if you start on the path that’s better than not.
What about some counselling (for you, not marriage counselling)

Sorry OP but an excellent dad doesn't abuse the mother of his children. You might think you have it well hidden from the children but believe me, they will know - maybe not when they're very small but as they get older - they will know and you're teaching them what a relationship is supposed to look like. Think very carefully about that - you need to leave and if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. They need a happy mum, not one who puts on a good front.

Is it just couple bickering stuff OP or is he intentionally putting you down, criticising, gaslighting? It doesn't sound good from what you say. 12 years is a long time, if you haven't already done so tell him how you feel and suggest counselling or something to address it. If he does this in front of the kids i dont think you should wait. I know leaving is incredibly hard but you sound so unhappy.

this book has been recommended on other threads, likely cheaper on Amazon

www.waterstones.com/book/why-does-he-do-that/lundy-bancroft/9780425191651

Is he really a good dad? Or are you glossing over the shitty father he sometimes is because him being a 'good dad' is your reason to stay?

He can be a good dad without being with you. And you can be better mum for not having him as a millstone around your neck and the constant sense of dread.

No don't make an excuse. Go.

You have a good time. Fuck him!

My mum insisted to the day she died that my dad was a great dad. We don't remember that from childhood, we remember the way he spoke to her when drinking (often) , how she tried to hide that it upset her, make excuses for his behaviour etc

womensaid.org.uk

You leave this man. This is abuse. He is not an excellent dad. If he was why on earth would he treat the mother of his children this way? You may think this is all hidden from the kids but I promise you it isn’t. Rather they are aware of every voice inflection, every fake smile and tread on eggshells. It may not be conscious but the feeling of being on edge and not quite knowing why is there as a child.
My heart goes out to you as things are so much harder when you’re in it. But you deserve a life without being treated like this. Maybe consider baby steps. Contact women’s aid, start figuring what’s what with finances etc, how could you support yourself, what family/friends can you talk to in real life. Good luck.

You are kidding yourself, kids aren’t stupid. You aren’t doing this for them so why stay?

So he bashes you down so he gets to go out by himself and you stay home with the children?

and you think that’s a great dad?

He’s done a number on you. Many of us have been there. But you see it more clearly when you break free.

Of course they know, you feel the vibe so do they. Don’t kid yourself.

The name sadowl says a lot. You're obviously in a toxic relationship. Obviously don't know the intricacies of your situation but you need to get out asap.

Stop enabling him.

Start enabling yourself.

I can relate to this. I fortunately left 11 years ago and never looked back. You know what he's doing and you know the impact he's having on you. Please, reach out to an organisation such as Women's Aid for support. This is coercive controlling behaviour. It's domestic abuse. I am so sorry you're going through this x

They know how many of us remember our parents for what they think they are hiding

How on earth do you know they dont know? Maybe take this as a wake up call and do something about it

And yes this is harsh

In what way is he an amazing dad?

I've just never known a man who long term, consistently, over and over, treated his wife like a piece of shit but was loving, caring, engaged, present and good moral guidance for his children.

What I do find is that the kids adore them when they're little and pretty much programmed to adore their parents, then it all hits the fan when they reach their teens and start thinking independently and critically.

You will think they cannot see you are sad but children can pick up on the tension.

Don't let your children's childhood become a countdown so you can leave him. Start to think of how it might look if you were free from this. How do you get there?

You think it's acceptable for a father to make his children's mother miserable ?

If he's genuinely an amazing dad, then split custody and get out of the marriage.

He's not an excellent dad if he's abusive to you.