I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

This. Stop telling yourself that you're staying with this horrible man because 'he's an amazing dad.'

he genuinely loves them so deeply is a 50/50 parent and has all the time in the world for them

Well good, he's their dad. Let's not hold this up as a gold standard of anything - it's no more and no less than it should be.

12 more years?!
Why on earth would you do that to yourself? Do you want to get ill?
Leave.
I wish I’d left much earlier than I had.

Do you think that you NOT going has made him think a bit more about how he treated you?

I hope so. That is no way to live

I've voted YABU because you've let him ruin your plans (rather than because I think he's been reasonable, which of course he hasn't).

I rarely comment on here but @Sadowl you saying that you would stick this situation out for another 12 years struck a chord with me. I'm the adult child of a mother who did that and it didn't make me feel appreciative of a happy chilhood (although I did have one) or grateful to my mum for "sacrificing" her happiness. It just made me feel guilty and I had to go back through 20 odd years of happy family memories thinking "was that a lie was she faking it ?". Later I came to realise that it was more complex than that and they probably were happy memories but I was only in my early 20s and wasn't good at nuance.

Our situation is different because my dad wasn't/isn't abusive. She just fell out of love. I'm very close to my mum and I understand why she made the decision that she did but when I hear /read people (usually woman) saying "only another X amount of years to go, I'll wait until they're at university, I'll wait until they're settled" my heart sinks. I get the loving intention behind it but its not a good thing to do. If my parents had split up when I was in primary school.l I imagine it would have hurt and been traumatic but I would have got through it and by the time I got to my early twenties it would have been my reality for at least half my life. Instead it felt like my whole life had collapsed on me.

@Sadowl in 12 years time, if you leave, you’ll be healed and happy and loved. Your kids will have blossomed and bloomed having left this toxic swamp of an upbringing and you will be so proud of them.

if you don’t get out, they’ll probably vote with their feet as soon as they can and you’ll be stuck with this appalling man.

dont waste your life on this man. He’s not worth it. Your kids are worth more than this, you are worth more than this.

If there's no jealousy then it's a narcissistic trait to ruin a day you are looking forward to. I'm still unclear if they are his friends, your friends or joint. If his don't go but otherwise go, try and enjoy but if there is any chance to speak to your friend do so.
Start writing down all the nasty jibes in a journal or on your phone to keep records of dates and events happening. He will try and deny them so best to record. Can you ever record him on your phone without him seeing if you think he is going to start? If he is a narcissist he will try and gaslight you.
Start to quietly get your things together. No idea how things are financially etc. Get hold of his financial info if you can. You don't have to leave today but get your ducks in a row and plan for it (not in 12 years time).
Not sure how old your eldest is (? 6) but they will start to notice your forced smile in the next few years. Good luck x

But don’t you see @Sadowl

youre doing HIS dirty work! He’s making it impossible for you to go, so you choose not to. He’s still keeping you in, restricting your movement, but you’re the one choosing to stay put.

go to the fucking concert, choose your friends and TELL THEM what’s going on. They’re going to be there for you.

spoiler alert - they probably already know he’s a controlling arsehole.

Children are very perceptive, even subconsciously, and they will be affected by your unhappiness and their dad’s disregard for you and his abusiveness. Twelve years is long enough to make you and your children very badly affected by their awful father.

He isn’t a good dad. Good mum’s or dad’s don’t treat the other parent like shit. What happens when you wait those 12 years and in that time he’s treating the kids like shit too? The kids will see how he treats you and know because they aren’t stupid and will absolutely be picking up on your feelings. Kids always know.

He's not a good dad, he's treating their mother with disdain and disrespect, and the children will mimic his behaviour as they grow up. Leave him. Please.

Another 12 years is a bloody long time to live with an abusive bully.

Don't kid yourself your kids won't be picking up on this stuff either.

he is not an excellent father if he denigrates their mother and makes her unhappy. If I had 5p for every woman on here who has posted that she is married to some kind of arsehole but can't leave because he is a good/loving/excellent dad, I wouldn't need to do the lottery.

Sao the kids are young. They will
adapt. They will get used to a new way of living. They will get used to seeing him to a new timetable.

the kids need a happy healthy mum. What state will you be in in 12 years?

You will be more worn down and kids will be able to tell that you are a shell of a person. It will impact your relationship with them as adults/when they have families etc.

Leave now whilst you can and have two households where the kids are loved and see their parents at their best and happiest.

OP you do not have to put up being treated poorly by anyone! DH is supposed to be on your side, have your back so make plans to leave before your DC really work this out, if you stay with him you are letting him teach them very unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Please go to the concert and also tell a friend IRL about what is going on.

Pack his bags while he's out

Go. Enjoy the time with your friends. Zone him out as much as possible and afterwards start planning your exit. I had an ex a bit like this, every event became a battle and tarnished with his shitty behaviour leading up to/during what should be a nice time. It’s no way to live.

Let him go and use the time to yourself yo start a separation.

You need to leave, your health matters.

Whenever a woman in an abusive relationship describes her partner as ‘an amazing dad’, the reality very rarely matches that description.

What does he do that makes him ‘amazing’? Because a man who ruins every outing for his partner is not amazing in any way.

He isn't an excellent dad. He is an abusive husband who makes his children's mother unhappy. Excellent Dad's don't do that.

For me being a good husband goes hand in hand with being a good father as children would benefit from having two happy parents

OP, he’s a nasty control freak. You will end up leaving him - it’s just a matter of whether or not you put up with another twelve years. I used to say when my youngest left home, I’d be walking out of the door too - in the end, I just couldn’t hack it any longer, so I got out - best thing I ever did. You deserve a life as well, and he isn’t letting you have one.