I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

Additionally OP, be wary, you said he was surprised you refused to go. He thought he could push you so you didn’t enjoy it, but you’d be at his side anyway and he wouldn’t have to explain to his friends why you weren’t there /worry they’d speak to you and ask if you’re ok. He may realise he’s gone too far this time. You may get a charm offensive. Remember how you felt last night when he was making you feel shit.

To a certain extent, it doesn’t matter why he does this, it just matters that he does.

It doesn’t matter if he’s a good dad, it matters that he’s a shit husband.

You don’t have to stay with someone who makes you miserable because he’s a good dad, if anything that should make it easier to leave because you know he’ll look after the dcs well in his custody time.

You don’t work as a couple, you could coparent in two separate houses instead.

There’s no rush to make changes. But your happiness is also important.

Probable that the kids do love him!

Agree that if you fear he would no longer be a ‘good dad’ post break up, it means he’s not one now.

He’s not an excellent dad and trust me, the kids don’t love him. They paint fake smiles on too. They know they need to just keep going. My dad was just like this. My parents split when I was 10. I cannot tell you the relief I felt the day my mum told me we were leaving. I was so excited. Do it now before your kids end up properly damaged. I’m lucky we got out when we did. Staying til I was 18 would have ruined my life.

I would suggest you also post in Relationships

Poor not polite experience

Your own dad left and secretly you think he will too if you split from him? Because he could be a wonderful dad 50/50 if you divorced if he wanted to why would he stop being the good dad if you solit?

you must secretly believe that in order to punish you, or the children, he would stop being the “good dad” if you tried to make a life for yourself. Deep down you know he is a horrible person who can not reliably love and care for you and the children without controlling and abusing you. That is his prize snd his pleasure.

op

Such men too hate women, all of them. Make no mistake here , you were targeted by him to abuse you. I would think this individual is quite plausible to those in the outside world and that is also how he gets away with it. Abuse thrives in secrecy, you have indeed taken a small but important step in writing on here. Keep taking steps forward to your freedom.

I am so sorry that your own father left, that was not if your fault or doing. That has also had an effect on your wellbeing to this very day. Your boundaries, skewed by such polite experience, are being further eroded by this individual now. And do not kid yourself that your kids do not know about you being abused because they absolutely do. They pick up on all the vibes between you two both spoken and unspoken.

If your children don’t know now they will
do in the future. One of my parents was a fun sponge, and would become argumentative with my other parent in the run up to trips out, Christmas, birthdays, we saw the change in behaviour from both parents although everyone just pretended that everything was okay. It causes the children difficulties in the long term.

You are splitting hairs to somehow excuse him. The effect is to alienate you from friends, to keep you hiding at home, to destroy your confidence, to take so ial pleasure awsy. people do what they do because they like the result: ergo this is the result he wants. You hide at home feeling unmade up, ugly, unloved, and isolated.

Look up divorce while you are hiding under the covers and he is at the concert. If the children are grown and go e then pack a bag and move out.

It’s very likely that OP is also living in a state of constant confusion about his behavior. What causes it, why she “deserves” this, how she can prevent it.

Then exhausted from trying constantly to manage the impact it has on absolutely everything.

I don't fully understand this. Is the issue that he will behave badly if you go with him? What sort of behaviour? We he behave better without you?

One of the hardest parts of a tumultuous relationship is how it separates you from others.

It is normal to feel embarrassment, shame, a desire to protect the problem from others, a need to protect others from knowing you are dealing with it. All of that makes it hard to even talk to friends or family and leaves you so lonely.

I agree with everyone else who is also saying you have to change the cycle. Sometimes doing something different feels scary. Everything we do in these moments is done by instinct to keep us emotionally safe.

Are you physically safe though?

I haven't read the whole thread @Sadowl so don't know if she's been recommended already, apologies if so. I was just going to suggest looking up Elizabeth Shaw Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse on FB. You will see her posts and be reading your life story. I hope it will help

If you will honestly enjoy concert, then go.

You know you have a choice right? He can still be an ‘excellent’ dad if you’re not together. Life is short - go and live it - without him.

I feel so sad for you but this is what the mumsnet. Keyboards warriors don’t understand. Its easy for anyone not in the situation to say leave but the reality is everything you have posted above.

It takes a lot to leave but you are taking baby steps and realising the relationship is not right. You still need to start planning to leave or at least putting it in your mind cos that hope of a better life will give you hope.

don’t be another statistic, don’t stay for 12 years and waste what is a short life. You say he is a good 50/50 dad already so you won’t have concerns being split up. You deserve a happy life & so do the children, if they don’t see it now, they will & staying builds his behaviour into them. Just remember that, if you have a son do you want him to turn out like his dad.

take care or yourself & the children, keep posting threads when things happen as I think all the leave the bastards and stories of survival will help you. You do survive leaving, oh that freedom when you finally heal & feel it is worth it.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do not stay with him another 12 weeks, let alone 12 years. That decision will destroy you from the inside out and he’s won. He wants absolute over you and does not care about you at all. All he cares about is him and getting his needs met, that is where you come in.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar between your parents as a child?.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You have done precisely that.

This is also no legacy to leave your kids because they could well go onto be abused in their own adult relationships. Women’s aid would be very helpful to you.

As a DC they knew on some level that things weren’t right but their mum put in a massive effort to hide it and make things nice for the DC, then it all fell apart when as soon as the eldest left home and he deemed the youngest ‘old enough’ their dad ended the relationship, and a lot of stuff came out. Not great for the teen / young adult DC involved.

I see you have children do you really want your children to grow up believing this is how we are supposed to treat each other?

sorry he treats you this way.

While you stay, you could stop participating in social things with your H and reduce family things around which he does this behaviour.

If good friends ask why you could tell a version of the truth: ‘DH is often unpleasant to me before and after things like this, so I’d rather meet up with you separately’.

If he truly is a good father other than how he treats you, he would continue to be after separation.

I think you’re in denial about the DC. This situation already affects them too. if they are and stay oblivious (improbable) then you leave when they’re adults, there’s risk they will think their childhood was a lie. I’m close to someone this happened to.

He’ll never change! I speak from 13 years experience with a similar dickhead! I lost many friends and it’s only cause I’m a stubborn old mule that I didn’t lose my family too! Best thing I ever did was to leave the fucker! My now DH encourages me to go out with family and friends if I’m wavering and saying I can’t be bothered he’ll tell me get my ass dressed up and make an effort to go out as family and friends are important! Such a difference!

I get you don't feel you can just up and leave, its really not always that simple is it. You can be more boundaried around this behaviour -

"He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed"

Whilst I imagine the giving up and going to bed is pure exhaustion from his behaviour, if you are safe (is he physcially abusive?) call him out - "you are being nasty, your continued pattern of behaviour towards me is classed as abuse, until you can talk to me kindly and with respect you don't get to talk to me"

walk away, take your space - the pause is important. Don't allow anything else to be said until there is calm and he can have a rational conversation with and apology and a plan to change behaviour.

People get stuck in these cycles for so long it becomes the norm - break your norm. This isnt normal or ok.

You have learned to put on a brave face. Get ready and do the same this time . Try to have a nice time with your friends and try not let the inevitable behaviour on your partner's part spoil it. This is learned behaviour on both your parts and has developed into a pattern.

You'd be best putting some energy into sorting out what kind of future you might be able to carve out for yourself in the future, when the time is right for you, or maybe doing some relationship counselling, if your partner is willing to attend this. Maybe he won't but at least you will have raised it as a possibility beforehand, and if you do part event, you will have tried your best at trying to resolve matters, or at least finding out why he behaves as he does.

This lady is in an abusive relationship. Making suggestions to poke the bear especially in front of his friends will only go one way & that will not be good for the OP

I genuinely wonder what planet people are on when they make these suggestions or just cut & paste from chat gpt without reading/thinking.

OP I’d either go to keep the peace knowing that is the last time & making plans to leave or not go & Spend the time he is out planning how to leave or actually leaving if there is somewhere safe you can go stay.

today do what’s going to keep you the safest but don’t stay, life is so much better when you aren’t being abused