I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

Why do you think he does this OP? Starts picking pointless fights and criticising and needling you over stupid things in the run-up to any event that you are looking forward to?

And what did he say when you told him he'd spoilt things again and you weren't going to go to the concert? Is he sulking with you now because you wouldn't go, or doesn't he care?

Are you not supposed to react to his needling, just brush it off like it didn't happen? Or does he want you to get upset, then he can gaslight you and tell you you are imagining things and he did nothing wrong?

Why on earth do you put up with it, oi know people’s circumstances are different but someone would only do this to me once. Make a different life for yourself and get the happiness you deserve.

I've said it before and I'm saying it again now. Excellent dads don't treat the mother of their children like shit. He's not an excellent dad, he's an abusive arse. Treating you like this makes him feel good.

Leave now, don't wait. In 12 years time, your kids will be totally fucked and you are likely condemning them to dysfunctional relationships of their own.

He’s not a good Dad at all, he’s an abusive prick.

No, he’s a shit dad. He is abusive and by default, your children are living in an abusive home.

You think they don’t know but they do. You owe it to them to leave now.

My favourite was the bar for men is so low they're limbo dancing under it in hell. But yes, I see so many women say their shitty partner is a good dad, but he's not, because he's doing what you said and being a shitty partner.

You could start saving your life today - do you really think you owe anyone, including your children, twelve years of misery?

So why are you with him??? Change nothing, nothing changes. Do something.

This.

We get but one very short life. Why are you spending even another second living your life in this way. It’s wasteful and unnecessary.

You say he’s an excellent dad which I don’t actually believe because excellent dads don’t treat the mother of their children like this but either way, he can be the excellent dad you claim he is when you’re not married to him. Your relationship with him and your children’s relationship with him are two separate things.

If one of your children came to you as a grown up and told you they felt as miserable and stuck as you do right now would your advice be to just wait 12 more years, no it wouldn’t. Why value yourself any less?

As the adult child of a couple who “stayed together for the children”, if you are this unhappy you really aren’t doing your children as much of a favour by staying with him as you think you are. One of your jobs as a parent is to model what a safe and healthy relationship looks like, and what sort of behaviour they should emulate and tolerate. If he’s a 50/50 parent then great, he can be a 50/50 parent in a separate home. You deserve more imo.

I disagree with everyone who advises that OP must go to the concert or she will be letting him win.
Win what? He's already affecting her life in a very serious manner. So he's already won if it's being described in that way.
The sadness goes deep and can't be stopped by a "you go girl" attitude.

This concert does not have any bearing on the many years of life that are ahead.
Describing yourself as 'so tired' is saying she has given up hoping for better. IME.

Who went to the concert and who stayed at home is hardly the issue here.
In the long run she'll either stay and live in a zombie like state of misery and despair or leave.

My advice to the OP is from personal experience. Eventually I got so fed up of feeling hopeless around any celebrations or outings that I stopped planning any. Just told him everything was cancelled and refused any plans.

When he suggested stuff I told him that no, obviously we can't go.
This made him determined that I agree to his dillusions that we could actually go out. I didn’t go.

In the end I wanted to leave and get away and be peaceful much more than I wanted him. I still love him but I value my health more.

I don't quite understand OP. At first I thought you were going out on your own and this was the usual controlling husband BS. But you were both meant to be going out. What was he sniping at, is it when you dress up/put on makeup? In any case he sounds so nasty. I hope you can start formulate a plan here. Good luck x

Just go and make the best of it. When you have really serious health problems/have just lost someone, forcing yourself to go and make the best of things actually can make you feel better. Sounds strange, but it's true for many of us. Just focus on the good things, ignore the bad. Life is never perfect for long.

Do Something for yourself today, too. Don’t let the day be ruined even though the concert was a no-go.

You did something different! That’s amazing and wonderful. Keep breaking the patterns. Work on recognizing “the dance” and start making different moves. What are the triggers and how do each of you respond.

It’s a very good sign that he was surprised by you refusing to go.

If you think he’s a good person exhibiting bad behavior and bad habits, tell him when you can how sad you feel. How you want a life that doesn’t just look good to others but feels good for you, too.

You can read all the advice here but use your own brain to work toward getting what you actually want.

You're being really unfair by staying for the kids. They will feel shit when they find out you were so miserable. If you want to leave, leave. If you don't then stop moaning. 12 years is a really long time to live on edge and why don't you value life? You brought more in to the world. Do what's right by them as well as yourself.

I bet he’ll come home saying what a great time he had and how amazing it was and how it’s a shame you decided not to go - just to twist the knife a bit more.

If you aren’t going to leave you need to start standing up to him.

This is exactly what he’s doing and it worked because you didn’t go.

If you are happy living like this then that’s fine but it’s your poor kids I feel sorry for.

I don't often tell this but my husband's parents had split up when he was a child. He didn't speak about it, his mum was lovely. I never met his dad as he died in an accident shortly after we started dating but he had a good relationship with him. He spoke to me once about the split and when i asked him if he was sad he said "no because the sadness and arguing stopped" Never think your kids don't know.

Im sorry you feel so sad about the way your DH treated you but what do you mean you were getting prepped-sniping at me until i gave up and got into bed?
What exactly happened, what did he say that made you give up what you were doing ?
Is this unusual or does he do this in other circumstances?

There are experienced voices here who have given you excellent advice. Fortunately I've never been in this type of situation. My DH & I are both passionate people & we do occasionally have differences of opinion which can result in an argument We either end up laughing or making up within around an hour.

You sound as if this man is making you unhappy OP. Have you had a serious discussion with him saying you are considering ending the marriage. I know a lot here would not agree with forewarning and with good reason but at least it would give him the chance to change if he knew you were serious. I'd still leave the door open though.