I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

Huge red flag here.
Get some support if you can.
This is abusive behaviour.
Take care

And Love yourself.
Loving yourself is NOT a feeling.
Its a JOB

i think my weakness is my ability to bury stuff and be immediately ok. Honestly, OP, I think I have a very similar personality and have been in a similar situation. In many ways it is a weakness (not always) and, although I eventually managed to end the marriage, my biggest regret is that I didn't do that earlier. No matter how bright face you put on, the children will know and I hate that I didn't get them out of that situation much earlier. If you can manage to do that, I'm sure you will go on to have a much happier life. I did - just wish I'd done it years earlier.

Excellent dads don't treat the mother of their children like dirt!

That’s coercive control! Leave this arsehole! Why are you still with him?! There isn’t a good enough reason on this earth to put up with someone treating another human being like that!

Op one of the reasons why it's so difficult to leave an abusive relationship is that you spend so much time doing mental gymnastics about someone else's mood/ emotional regulation/ preferences that it's utterly draining and you end up putting so much of yourself into just surviving it on the day to day along with all of life's other responsibilities that you don't have the capacity to plan leaving because you're already running on fumes.

If he's starting a row with you before you go out every time with other people then I'd say that is rooted in control and jealousy. He's ensuring that you're under his thumb before you go out with other people. It's a form of coercive control and its very hard to see because each incident on its own is just him in bad form, but the pattern that it happens every time you're about to go and socialise isn't a coincidence.

I cannot say this plainly enough. You cannot be a good father and abuse your kids mother. You just can't. He is depriving them of the best of you. The version of you that has more emotional bandwidth because she's not analysing his mood in the background all the time. I've no doubt that you work probably extra hard to compensate for this with your kids to make sure they don't know what's wrong but having worked with kids who have grown up watching domestic abuse, op - they always know. At the very least they're growing up watching that this is how you act as a husband and this is how you should be treated as a wife. It's not a good blueprint for them for future relationships but your marriage is going to be their point of reference when they get older and start to have relationships of their own. So if you leave you will not be depriving them of a loving father. You will be showing them that there are boundaries people do not cross, that treating people with respect matters and that they are allowed to stand up for themselves when others treat them badly. Those are really positive messages and there's nothing to stop them having a relationship with their dad if you feel it's safe for them to do so. This is your one life op, please don't waste it thinking your needs are not important.

This is no life. For you. Or your kids.

If only you believed you deserved better.

Until you have this realisation, you'll waste away your existence with a loser.

You have to find the strength to leave. 🌸

I do this with AI for all kinds of personal and relationship situations and find it incredibly clarifying. I It has been helpful in grounding me, helping me understand patterns, etc.

It is easier than talking to other people who end up having feelings about your situation.

I’m sorry, TWELVE years?!

If he is an amazing Dad, he will still be 50% of the time. He just won't be around you to make your life miserable when you separate.

You ARE WORTH MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR. Imagine how happy you could be.

He’s not an excellent dad.
He’s a cunt.

You are doing your children a massive disservice by staying with him, never mind what you’re doing to yourself.

LEAVE.

Yes, I know. It was my gut reaction on reading OP's first post. It's obviously coercive control by a narcissist. I used to be married to someone who managed - not all the time but lots - to make happy things sad and wanted always to be the centre of attention. OP needs to leave. With DC since she has them.

He's not a good dad, he is destroying you and all your happiness. If you think the DC don't know, they do. They may even be pretending to like him for your sake. You need to sort out leaving. His abuse will harm your DC as well as you. And go to the concert and have fun. Have a drink, be happy.

You are being subjected to coercive control. Go to the concert. Next thing, begin preparing to leave this person. I hope you have no DC, for he will destroy them as well, to get at you.

I hear you. You are not ready to leave. I would suggest a few things - sign up to an AI - eg Gemini and start to discuss his behaviour with it. It can actually suggest very helpful short term steps - walk away from any confrontation and look after yourself with empathy. Consider quiet quitting the relationship. Here you remain together but emotionally divorce yourself from the drama. Finally, document his actions so you don’t gaslight yourself into thinking this is okay - see it as logically collecting data. So when he is horrid, log it on your notes app and file it away. Strip it of all emotion.

it’s your choice to go or stay. Hugs

Tell him to stay home because you are divorcing him and go yourself

this is abuse and you sound extremely dangerously depressed i assume you are in meds and he abuses this too ?

This man is not a good dad if he treats their mother this way. It sounds like you have tried marriage guidance but staying in a toxic relationship is not good for children and terrible for you. Stop making excuses for him. He is not a good person and is abusing you.

Yeh my ex husband was like that just before we left for anything . I think he just was a complete narcissist who wanted everything to be about him, so he would come across as the life and soul and I would look miserable because I was feeling like shit.

You go with your friends

This

Behave

OP you are deeply in denial if you think this is not damaging your kids. They will grow up and seek similar situations.

He’s an abusive shit. A clever one at that. No doubt your friends and family think the su shines out of his arse because he hides his shitty behaviour and you are keen not to be the one who upsets the apple cart (not a criticism btw).

He’ll never change. You have a choice. Get out now and expose him for the prick he is or kick the can down the road. Both will be painful and disruptive, but one avoids another decade of suffering his crap.