I’m not surprised but why do I still care?

Pherian · 03/08/2026 18:08

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 11:17

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies. I’ve not gone, which I think he was gobsmacked by but by that point I couldn’t face it. He tried to persuade me but I pointed out it was ruined before it started.
To add context, outwardly you would not think a thing was wrong with me. I’ve got lots of friends in different circles including a core of best friends of 25 years plus. I’m bubbly and not a shrinking violet at all.
I totally agree that he shouldn’t treat the mother of his children how he does but he genuinely loves them so deeply is a 50/50 parent and has all the time in the world for them. While obviously this pleases me in a weird way it makes how he is with me more gutting. My own dad left and that was that.
The kids are happy, they have loads of friends that are always here and our home is chaotic- having had a lonely childhood i wanted that for them.
I was so upset this morning and i know my earlier posts made me sound a bit daft. I know it’s not right, i think i wanted confimation i wasn’t mad. Ive tried counselling she more or less confirmed i know what’s wrong but won’t make moves to solve it. I’m not silly, just a bit worn down. A lot happened in a short period of time and i’m not sure i’m ok yet. I do appreciate all the advice- i think my weakness is my ability to bury stuff and be immediately ok. Because today wasn’t for the kids, i think i’ve just not done that.

I hope you told him it was because of him.

MrsStarkey · 02/08/2026 20:23

PatchworkCow · 02/08/2026 14:07

It's unlikely to work though. Once he realises that coercion isn't cutting it any more as a control tactic he's likely to escalate to violence.

Edited

OP will know if that’s the case or not.

PatchworkCow · 02/08/2026 14:07

It's unlikely to work though. Once he realises that coercion isn't cutting it any more as a control tactic he's likely to escalate to violence.

MrsStarkey · 02/08/2026 12:36

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 02/08/2026 11:32

In the short term, can I suggest you imagine a force field around you that he and his words cannot penetrate? You can sit inside it, smug at knowing anything he says or does will simply reflect off. Come up with a couple of sayings to yourself to talk yourself down and reinforce the shield. Walk away smiling while his bullshit bounces off you. You do not have to allow him to bring you down.

I love this idea.

The OP basically describes losing time because of the environment he creates. He was surprised she didn’t want to go to the concert which tells us he is possibly not even aware of his impact. So while she’s dealing with the emotional fallout of his bad behavior, he’s moved on and let it go.

She has not decided to leave him, so meanwhile could use coping strategies to keep him from stealing her time and happiness.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 02/08/2026 11:32

In the short term, can I suggest you imagine a force field around you that he and his words cannot penetrate? You can sit inside it, smug at knowing anything he says or does will simply reflect off. Come up with a couple of sayings to yourself to talk yourself down and reinforce the shield. Walk away smiling while his bullshit bounces off you. You do not have to allow him to bring you down.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 02/08/2026 11:29

12 years? People get less for murder.

He's a cunt. And sorry but stop fooling yourself he's a good dad.

Good dads know how important it is that their kids' mums are happy and healthy so they can be their best for the kids too.

Good dads put their own frustrations aside for the good of the family.

Good dads are willing to work on themselves.

Your kids WILL know about how he treats you, whether you realise or not. I know things about my parents' relationship, terrible, awful things, I've overheard and gleaned as a child, and never told them I knew.

LejlaKapovic · 02/08/2026 09:45

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

So what are you going to do about it? You sound really passive, and feeling sorry for yourself won't make things better. You need to do something to stop this behaviour, because it's preventing you from enjoying life. When you're 80 years old looking back on your life, will you regret tolerating this behaviour? The dark clouds he's put over happy moments so many times?

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 02/08/2026 09:37

Leave him. Don't put up with this. It's abuse.

Thegoldenoriole · 02/08/2026 05:59

YABU putting up with this man’s behaviour.

Grey rock him and start plotting your exit.

Also fwiw shitty husbands are not great dads - they allow their children to think dreadful marriages are normal and set them up for failure in their later relationships.

At least if he can do the basics and you feel the kids are safe with him, you can do 50/50 custody without worrying about them.

TheZanyScroller · 02/08/2026 05:04

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

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12 more years and you can leave?

What's holding you back from leaving asap? You're restricting your life in that case. You can leave when you want to. If you think you're doing thr tight ting by remaining in this toxic relationship for take of DC, you're delusional.

abbynabby23 · 02/08/2026 04:20

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

i hope you went and you have also thought of an exit plan cause this is an abuse!

Pherian · 02/08/2026 00:57

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

Just leave x you deserve so much more ♥️

Dalston · 02/08/2026 00:45

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

You are in a relationship with an abuser. You need to understand that they know exactly what they’re doing. Don’t waste any of your precious time trying to work out why they are the way they are and do not try to fix them. You are not his therapist and you’re not his mother. Please choose yourself, your life and your happiness. End it, leave or make him leave, I don’t know your living circumstances. Call the domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 absolutely no one should have to suffer this behaviour.

Goatsarebest · 01/08/2026 20:50

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:21

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I had quite a lot happen in a short space of time. Kids love him, he’s an excellent dad. I just keep thinking 12 more years and i can leave

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He's not an excellent dad if he treats their mother like this

Donttellhim · 01/08/2026 20:45

You are being unreasonable to yourself and children by staying in this relationship!

Thisposthasbeendeleted · 01/08/2026 20:14

My ex used to do this. I went anyway.

godmum56 · 01/08/2026 19:26

Isitevensummer · 01/08/2026 19:03

I know- depressing isn't it. And they always think the kids don't know. And they are often wrong about that.

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this. All of this.

Hayfield123 · 01/08/2026 19:06

Don’t treat your children like idiots, of course they know. They can hear him being horrible to their mother and believe it or not, the children won’t thank you in the future for staying for their sake because they’re living in a toxic household. Do yourself a favour and get everything in order and then leave him because it will never get any better.

Isitevensummer · 01/08/2026 19:03

godmum56 · 01/08/2026 11:32

he is not an excellent father if he denigrates their mother and makes her unhappy. If I had 5p for every woman on here who has posted that she is married to some kind of arsehole but can't leave because he is a good/loving/excellent dad, I wouldn't need to do the lottery.

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I know- depressing isn't it. And they always think the kids don't know. And they are often wrong about that.

Carrie516 · 01/08/2026 19:00

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:04

I was supposed to be setting off to
a concert in an hour. I’m not. He started yesterday, as usual, being nasty, going at me. I was getting prepped- snipping at me until I just gave up and got in bed.
Now i either go looking terrible, with a fake smile- which i can do- i’ve done it a 100 times. Or I don’t go, be the let down for our friends again. Then it’s my fault. Everything ruined or every happy memory tarnished every time. I look back at photos of lovely days out, kids so happy, knowing what I put up with to get us there and just feel a bit sad.

It's called coercive control! They plan days out/holidays, build you up, let you look forward to it, then ruin it for you on the day. It proves to them they can control the situation! They get a kick out of it. So why you still with him btw?

Harrriet · 01/08/2026 18:44

Don't be me @Sadowl . Go to the concert and try to enjoy it. Then tomorrow think about what you want to do. Please don't wait for 12 years until your children grow up. The goalposts will move you know. Please think of yourself, your children will know what's going on

PatchworkCow · 01/08/2026 18:37

Sadowl · 01/08/2026 09:16

Other husbands are there. Definitely doesn’t try and keep me indoors, no jealousy etc. It’s just like he has to ruin everything nice, every single time. x

This is how he keeps you inside. It's coercive control. The only reason you're thinking of not going is due solely to his behaviour.

PatchworkCow · 01/08/2026 18:34

YABU to remain in what is clearly an abusive relationship OP. Extricate yourself and start living.

Worldgonecrazy · 01/08/2026 18:12

YABU to think he is a good dad, and to be focusing on him instead of you.

You are not going to the concert because of him and how he is making you feel. Start using language about you , your feelings, without mentioning him. It will change your thinking and hopefully that 12 year prison sentence will end up giving you early parole.

ThatRareGreySheep · 01/08/2026 18:09

she just loves the drama