AIBU for struggling to understand why my neighbour does not leave?

Thing is you need to get to a place of strength. And then, even when things are “good” again, the final decision is very difficult due all of the variables mentioned here. Both women I know who separated in similar situations, only left when it escalated to an incident involving the police. Both intelligent, successful women. It’s just not black & white. But I can totally see your POV, OP. My family will be glad when I get divorced but it’s taken time to get here… But, staying is more dangerous. You’re not wrong.

Evidence re the dangers of leaving abusive relationships;

"The risk of serious assault and death is highest for a woman after she leaves an abusive relationship. According to the Femicide Census, 38% of women killed by their ex-partner from 2009 to 2018 were killed within the first month of separation and 89% in the first year.
(Femicide Census, 2020)
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/

As I said, the end goal - of being completely separated and the abuse to have ended - is of course the safest. It isn't guaranteed. It's also very rare for the ex to have no unsupervised contact awarded with the child.

I'm not saying everyone should stay, I'm saying that your assertion that leaving= safety is false and simplistic.
I don't understand what the point of your thread is, you're not prepared to listen to anyones perspective, you just seem to be sticking the boot in to victims of abusive relationships.

Of course they are both victims but please tell us how you think she could go about leaving the relationship then. I would be very interested to know what you think she can possibly do.

Of course I can empathise and with both the kids and the mother.

It’s the OP who is claiming “But…but I don’t understaaaaand” 🙄

Your judgemental reasoning of their mum is not helping the child. Do you not see that?

You are coming across as very judgemental regarding your neighbour @Howyoudoings

I have also suffered abuse by my father. However I never judged my beautiful late mum for the decisions she made and nor did the rest of her family and friends. She had a fantastic time after he died and we have all been left with great memories.

This kind of attitude is so prevalent and explains a lot why so much abuse is kept secret because when people do open up or ask for help they are treated with suspicion and as if they have deliberately consciously chosen this life. So they hide it and carry on thinking it's their fault and that they have no control and the judgers get to pay themselves on the back because they would never find themselves in a situation like that because they are so much better and superior.

Yes this is what that post sounded like, but I can’t imagine that was the meaning. It isn’t more dangerous to leave but they are conditioned to think so - it’s an illusion. So you need to involve outside agencies to make the decision for the parents if they cannot provide a safe environment for their children.

Op I am with you, I don’t get it. I got absolutely slammed on another thread on a similar topic. The children (I work with many) are just so damaged that it is difficult to understand from the outside why on earth any one would stay.

op can you talk to this woman when the man isn’t there? If not, if it were me, I would record some of it (so it can’t be denied by the mother) and contact social services. The damage to children is too much to ignore if the woman isn’t able to make this decision herself.

Bully for you, and congratulations on your crystal clear, unspoiled way of looking at things.
Your supposed problem-solving knack has deserted you in this instance, I’d say, given your determination just to blindly bang your head against the brick wall of long-standing experience and recorded cases which prove that this is not a social problem just any old neighbour is likely to resolve, even if they are autistic.

(I’m pretty surprised that not only does this woman tell you every detail of her domestic life, but her extended family too are happy to discuss these matters with you.
I think that even were I in such distressing circs myself, I’d have told you to just wind your neb in by now.)

You've ignored the multiple posts telling you that by leaving, the parent risks making it worse for the child. By leaving, they increase the danger to themselves and the child, significantly.

Of course the best outcome is for separation, and that separation to be safe. But you're ignoring the reality, that leaving increases the danger, and that ending a relationship doesn't mean that abuse stops.

As are you apparently.
Why are you unable to empathise with the often life long impact child abuse has on people? Is OP wrong to feel let down by her mother (assuming that's how you feel OP) or to hold her accountable for her failure to protect her?

And determined not to understand victims of abuse.

Yeah you're right, what a perfect, great person you are.

No, she's just determined not to be a victim, like many children abuse survivors.

As an autistic person I would've thought that you'd understand more than most why it may be difficult to change a situation, routine, or circumstance even when it clear to others that you need to, and should. Maybe even clear to yourself. But you just can't.

Surely, as an autistic person, you know personal feelings and inner world are a lot more complex than what other people see and expect of you, and what it's like to not be able to march to the beat of everyone else's drum because something in your inner world is preventing it. That the thing preventing it may even be wordless, something you cannot describe, but it's there. It's your brain chemistry.

Abused people get their brain chemistry fucked up.

Maybe your lack of understanding isn't your autism, but your chosen lack of empathy. Don't blame that on your autism either. You are choosing to pretend that this woman not leaving her relationship is not understandable. You can understand it perfectly fine, even without reasons laid on a plate for you. Again, don't blame the autism.