AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert. Most of the time we lead quite separate lives. I spend most of my time socialising with my children's friends' parents and going to toddler groups; if I spend too much time at home I end up feeling depressed (the closest word I can think of to describe how I feel) because I thrive on conversation and social contact. When my DH does come to social things or trips out it's like he's on a schedule or needs to time each interaction I guess. I suspect he's a lot happier to be at work where he or his boss is in control and he has a familiar structure to work to. Neither of us are going to change, so it's important to have our mostly separate lives, I think if we decided we needed to do everything together it would damage our relationship because neither of us would be happy.

"It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier."

"Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!"

So, two 'perfect's, one 'we were happy', one 'we could not be happier'.

OP, have you considered the possibility that it was only you and not 'we' who found it all perfect and happy, happy, happy? Have you considered the possibility that your husband was not happy leading such a narrow insular life?

And a life that had, to be very blunt, no future? Because you've "no kids, no plans there", have you? Just you, parents, cousins. All getting a day older, every day. Then it would just be you and cousins, dying of old age, one by one (this is what I mean by 'no future'). That is a fucking terrifying prospect for most people.

So yes, YABU to resent your DH's new job. It might turn out to be the saving of you both.

How old are you both? I don't think its work that has changed him - it just sounds like he's growing in a different way to you. You say that you are both 'homebodies' but what does that really mean? I generally like being at home, but I still like to meet up with friends, go out to eat and do things outside of the home. Perhaps meeting other people has broadened his horizons, it must be especially difficult if colleagues are invitng him out or talking about their evenings and weekends and he feels like you are both missing out. I think you and his parents have become comfortable with this version of his life, hence the comments about not recognising him, but most parents would be happy to see their adult child going out and having fun, instead of coming around with thier wife for tea several times per week.

You might have been happy but maybe he wasnt

You need to decide if you want this relationship to succeed or fail.

Right now, your husband wants you to join in with him.
It's up to you if you do or not.

If you never join in at all, he is going to learn to live without you, that going out and enjoying himself is something he does by leaving you behind.

He will get to a point where he associates doing things he likes with you not being there.
He will stop asking you to join eventually, then what will you do?

Or, you could compromise a bit, go with him sometimes and not others, so he gets what he needs and you get what you need too.

Telling him that finding a slightly larger social circle is something you don't like is not going to make him want to go back to a way he has now decided is not the way he wants to live his whole life.

But often there is something unhealthy behind it, something unhealthy that drives it, especially in younger people, as I suspect the op is. It would be different if these were older people.

i do know a couple like this, in their 30s, he was unemployed she worked from home, they never went out, just visited relatives, stayed home, and well food was a huge part of their lives, they would cook these big dinners each night, and watch telly or listen to music. They are both significantly over weight, she doesn’t dress well or do much with herself, which would be fine, but I think is part of the issue.

she lost her job, he got one, out of the home, he started going out and socialising, and enjoying it, turns out he’s quite gregarious, she didn’t even make much of an effort,

I’ve seen her in company, her world is so small, it is like she feels out of her depth with people her age, suddenly self conscious of her appearance, her lack of friends, her lack of social life, struggles to make conversation, So she prefers not to join in at all, just texts him what’s for dinner to try to encourage him home,

I don’t know if she’s socially awkward, socially anxious, but there is definitely something unhealthy behind it.

Even OP enjoys some level of socialising though, just with a few specific known people. Even she doesn’t want to be totally alone.

Trouble is things change, people move or develop other interests or even die, so even those of us happy with a small social life need more than just a tiny handful of people.

Sounds utterly boring, week in, week out.
Once a month maybe!
The guy is just seeing the world and he HAS changed, people do. What is a shame is that he wants to explore WITH you and you’re refusing.
The genie is out of the box and he isn’t going back in. What you do with that is up to you!
Poor guy, I feel for him.

Which is fine as a broad societal level thing, but many many people are perfectly happy alone/not socialising much. It’s not inherently unhealthy to prefer being at home. human behaviour exists on a spectrum of what is normal and that is different for everyone.

Yabu yes, it's normal for people to socialise both as a couple and individually with people outside their family. However , if he is socialising all the time every weekend then yes maybe that's too much as he has not got time for you. You need to try and make a compromise with him. Hopefully your lives with settle on something your both happy with. A balance.

Marriage takes compromise and effort op. I would make an effort to do what he likes sometimes otherwise your marriage could grow apart. People do change but it’s about supporting each other.

Because humans are social creatures. We are not designed to live within four walls and never socialise or spend time with people outside of our families. There's a reason MH issues skyrocketed during COVID - because people were forced to live unnaturally isolated and limited lives.

You don't enjoy life outside him, your parents, his parents and his cousins.

He's asking you to join him outside the bubble.

A coffee shop or a bbq - it's not a big ask! If it was clubbing in Ibiza that's different.

Your DH is growing outside the bubble and he's not wrong.

You either compromise and decide you are going to try tge outside word too. You might even enjoy it. Your DH sounds like he'd try anywhere you would like to go so maybe try starting small.

Hr's not coming back to your "perfect" life. He needs more to full life. You either try to adapt or you will lose him. Bitching to his mum about him having fun is beyond ridicilous.

I appreciated (in a sardonic manner) the way she casually told OP that she had simply married the wrong person. Grand! Problem solved.

It wasn't perfect and your DH has discovered there is a world out there to be enjoyed and he wants to show it to you. You can join in or let him go - but he will go. Why don't you find a role which involves working in the office for a couple of days rather than being stuck at home all the time on your own? Find your own friends to go out with. Ask him to go to things you might enjoy - London? An art gallery, a show, a museum - these don't necessarily involve being social with lots of people you don't know but they are more interesting than tea with mum every Saturday and your DH now knows this. If you don't either find friends or go out with DH then you will pretty soon have no DH (and no tea with MiL either). Growing up is about developing as a person and you seem to have stuck in a rut and now resent your DH for climbing out of it.

Op, I do get it. My partner didn't work for years due to illness, and since Covid I have worked from home. Prior to this we were both out and about working, daily, from 6am to 7pm in Central London, hardly saw each other, etc.

Since 2020, when I started working from home, and he couldn't work for a few years, it was SO cosy. We'd walk the dogs in my lunch break, have breakfast and lunch together, he'd start cooking dinner at 4pm as he had the time. Sometimes he'd take the dogs to his mum's house so I got a total break. It was great.

I'm thrilled that his latest round of medication actually worked and he went out and got a great job last year. He regularly stays away from home now, goes out with his colleagues when he stays away, and is out of the house for 14 hours even when he isn't staying away.

You HAVE to change your mindset, hard as it is. I too love being cocooned but it's not sustainable. We actually temporarily broke up earlier this year, after 15 years without a single serious argument. He had so much change going on due to the new job, and all the new people he was meeting, that he thought he wanted to end it with me. He put 2 and 2 together and got 6. We're OK now but it was a massive shock. Especially as I've always been the one supporting us financially because of his illness. Now here he was, out and about and trying to finish with me!

You MUST adapt. Or his head will get turned and I DON'T necessarily mean by a woman. There are all sorts of other things which come into play when a bloke has such a massive life change.

This sounds like you are very dependent on him and don’t like he has a new found work bubble.

Personally I don’t see anything wrong with what your husband is doing or what you are doing BUT you sound resentful so are you guys going to compromise or split? Because you can’t have it both ways if you aren’t willing to meet in the middle, same for him too

This is such a tricky situation for you, maybe he wasn’t as happy as you were and now he wants to explore having more of a social life, it’s not wrong of him to do it or wrong that you don’t want to but it would be hard for him to just stay home/visit family if he wants a social life. I am a home bird but I would really struggle to spend every weekend the same and only visiting in laws or my parents would drive me mad, could you go and visit new places together without friends for a few weekends to change things up? One new place each weekend then add in new people?

It wasn't perfect for him. You may be an introverted home body who doesn't like going out but he is not. You need to decide if you are prepared to open your horizons and live a little, or risk losing your marriage. I can guarantee you he will not want to return to the boring narrow world you have planned for him.

No, not to me. that’s why i asked.

It seems he's found a whole new world out there that isn't as narrow as it has been or that you are comfortable with. So you either embrace it and get involved for both your sakes or your marriage is over. He won't be coming back as the person he was. A Pandora's box has been opened for him and he's enjoying what he's discovering. He obviously loves you and wants you to become involved so the way this goes will be up to you....for now.

How old are you, out of curiosity?

If you said you’re 50+ I may think you’re less unreasonable. But even then that sounds like quite a sheltered, small life.

If you are younger, I think you need to live a little. Life is so much bigger than scones and tea with your in laws. There is so much to see and learn and experience!

Good for your husband, putting himself out there and living and exploring!

You don’t need to go out with his friends , but you do need to try doing some of the things he suggests just the two of you . He is growing and he would like you with him
. Nothing wrong with exploring London . Give it a go OP - you may just enjoy it - or it may not be so bad as you think it will be .

Echoing others, getting back out into society can be invigorating after being in a bubble for years.

There is easily room for compromise here. Life can become mundane hanging around family, believe me I know, I feel life my whole life is focused around one circle of people. I’m working towards changing that.

While a homebody myself and a fair few years older than you I’m sure, not to be rude but your routine does sound very boring and middle aged/older. Why on earth would a young couple want to go to their parents every week on a Saturday morning. It sounds like your husband has realised there’s a whole world out there and he was becoming old before his time staying at home or with older family members.