AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

I spend a lot of time in an MMO (final fantasy xiv) as well OP, but can be a lovely social activity but also the stuff that DH is doing sounds great as well. I do think his mum has to back off and I think going over there on your own just highlights the fact he isn't there and it sounds like that makes both you and his mum quite sad.

You don't have to enjoy the same things as DH and you don't have to have loads of friends, but perhaps you could think about other ways to fill your time? Something you want to learn, maybe?

He might be realising that he doesn't want to lose his life to WoW. You know how long you've been in that game and I bet it's years. Years and years of your life, which we only get one shot at.
Follow him. Break free!

Your life and family closeness is too much, you might be happy but hes realised he wants to do other things. That's fine, but your relationship will not last unless there is compromise and a mutual understanding. Your in your 30s, still very young!

Op did you put his mother up to that, were you round there complaining and being upset?

Yes it sounds like he’s discovered he actually enjoys being out there in the world and that his life can be bigger than what it has been. It might be a case of just growing apart from each other.

That said, I am your DH and my husband is more like you and we’ve been together for about 15 years with no issues. We still spend time together but I also do stuff out of the house with friends a lot that wouldn’t be his scene.

Tell me this family is enmeshed without telling me it’s enmeshed.

OP this is toxic behaviour from your MIL and she is triangulating you (you are her flying monkey)

This is not going to end well.

Agree. The mother’s approach is incredibly unhelpful. No wonder he wants to be let off the leash a bit.

If you want to go with him on whatever journey he is going on OP you need to distance yourself from these emotional blackmail tactics. Ultimately your loyalty is to him, not his mum and it sounds like this really suffocating relationship with the parents is actually quite one-sided.

That’s Absoltely terrible, what an awful bloody mother, I feel so so sorry for him, out there trying to make friends have a life and he’s been punished and manipulated by his own mother,

oulling the family apart, losing her son.

fuck me, he should go no contact and she should be ashamed.

Oh god.

once my MIL started saying this, it was the beginning of us going VLC. We see them once a year at best. It’s emotional manipulation and it rarely works against someone who has chosen not to see someone more.

I’d prepare yourself for what you’ll do if he stops seeing them. You could end up in a pretty awkward position here if they form half of your social circle and you have to choose where your loyalties lie between him and them.

With all due respect to you @newlifeoldme, your life doesn't "sound bad" as it's how you have been living it and what you've become accustomed to. We've no knowledge of what made you drop of uni or what is the cause of your social anxieties. But you also may be projecting that whatever is driving you to not want to move beyond the small world you live in is the same reason your DH was apparently happy to stay in that restricted environment. It obviously wasn't, as he's now happily exploring other relationships and experiences. He seems to love you as he wants to bring you into that new environment with him. You are feeling "sad and lost" because you're letting him go without you even giving him a chance to show you how it's not scary or horrible. And unless you try to step into that new world with him, I'm afraid that you're going to be even more sad and lost when he leaves you and his mother. Is that really the future you want for yourself? You're in your 30s. Do you see yourself spending the next 40 years living alone, mixing socially only online with gaming "guild members" (will these be 50-60 year olds or 12-20 year olds?), with your only contact with another person in the flesh a tea and scone visit with your ex-husband's mother until she passes? You're lamenting the wrong thing. Your husband is doing you a kind service, giving you a safe way to find out about the real world. I'd take it if I were you. And let his mother figure out how to live her own life.

He's developed as a person, good for him! He's done nothing wrong and sounds like he is actively trying to involve you.

OP do you have any friends other than his parents/your parents? Also don’t get involved with his mums guilt tripping him, he’s allowed to have a life. Just as you are allowed to lead the life you want. If you just like hanging out with family thats fine but it’s completely normal to want to be out doing things.

Do you think perhaps the way he was living wasn’t out of choice and perhaps not a true reflection of how he would ideally live?

That’s fine, OP. There is nothing wrong with this. Any kind of social connection is life enhancing.

But you do need to start to make peace with his desire to make friends in the more traditional way and broaden his social life. It’s either that or he will really bridle and feel very suffocated. If you can’t do that on your own get help with it.

And his mum really needs to butt out. Really not normal for parents to project marriage an adult child’s relationship like this.

I think you should give it a go. Spending the weekends only visiting in-laws for tea and scones sounds really boring to me, I’d rather go try new things as well.

It’s ok to like what you like but honestly at some point it’s going to have a really negative impact on your relationship if you are living two separate lives. He will eventually stop asking you and at that point you may no longer be suited to each other.

You know we’re no longer in lockdown right?

OP with kindness you and his parents are pushing him away with this mindset and this behaviour.

He clearly wants to explore and try new things. He wants a life less closely bound to his parents. He’s in his 30s, this is absolutely normal and natural.

You can’t stop him from wanting to develop, learn and grow. You have two choices: you (and his parents) confront the question of why you are so threatened by him wanting to gently pull away and make new friends. Or you lose him.

Are you actually willing to listen to the advice you have been given on here?

His mum risks pushing him away completely if she carries on like that. Good parents want to see their children make a full life for themselves which is what he is doing.

His mum is being dramatic, and this will only push him away.

A tad dramatic OP, it's not being pulled apart, your DH is just choosing not to see his parents every week or even twice a week.

Most people don't see their parents that often.
It could be a phase he's going through and if the relationship is strong enough, it will survive.
Or this could be the new normal for him and as others have said, join him or do your own thing, how that pans out for the relationship will depend on how you take it.

Plenty of couples do things separately but not full weekends.

He isn’t doing anything wrong as such but you've got to understand each other.

Strange for his DM to demand he spends so much time with her.

This seems like a very narrow view to me, if you're an introvert as the OP has stated she is, it can be "healthy" to have a smaller circle. Some people find socializing and meeting new people very draining. There are also many people who are not "neurotypical" who prefer a more insular lifestyle. I like to socialize and meet new people but I know many others who don't enjoy this and I respect that.

OPs question is about how to cope with her partner changing and wanting a different lifestyle from the one they've had historically. If you had a lively social life as a couple and your partner changed and wanted to stay home a lot more it would be a similar dilemma to solve. I don't think it's helpful at all to be judgemental about her preferences.