AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

I think people misunderstand the word, I see it used a lot on here erroneously. And it’s normally used instead of socially anxious or anti social.

what the op describes is not introversion.

Thank you! There is always so much mischaracterisation of introverts here and elsewhere! We don’t all dislike company or other people - we just need more time alone to recharge than extroverts do.

It doesn’t mean we’re misanthropes and it’s not a synonym for being shy or socially awkward either (although I do happen to be both). It’s also NORMAL - up to half of the population have some introvert traits.

As an introvert myself, I can think of nothing worse than spending all afternoon sitting in someone else’s house surrounded by family coming in and out and having to interact with them! I’d much rather be in a nice cafe reading or people-watching or out hill-walking, Having that expectation of having to visit someone every week is the last thing I’d want - it sounds exhausting!

So I don’t think being an introvert or a “homebody” is your issue OP - it seems to me that there’s something else going on which you maybe need to explore. And it’s great that you get on with your in-laws but you sound overly-enmeshed and dependent on your MIL.

Speaking of which, her behaviour is dreadful - please don’t join in with it as your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. Regular parents are happy to see their children broadening their horizons. Maybe see if you can be a voice of reason as her behaviour is going to push him away.

I remember going on a boat trip once (honestly there’s a point to my story I promise!😬) it was on quite choppy water and the captain said if you allow your body to sway with the movement of the waves rather than fight to stay still you’re less likely to suffer seasickness! And I find that a good analogy in life too if you try and move with the ebb and flow of life. I’m sociable with people I know and hate events where I don’t know anyone. DH’s company had a social thing last year which he really wanted me to go to as we were newly married and he wanted to introduce me to people. I said I’d go but explained to DH that I probably wouldn’t stay long as I’d had a long commute to get to it. He introduced me to people and as I figured he got caught up in chatting work and I felt rather left out. However I got chatting to the most interesting couple and ended up stopping much longer than I anticipated!
So I suppose my point is give the new things a go but give yourself a get out clause that if you’re really not enjoying it then can leave.

You REALLY need to dial the drama down here. Infidelity, lies, favouritism - these are the things that tear families apart. Not going for tea and scones every week is not tearing the family apart. But your over-dramatic approach, and your mother-in-law feeding into it, could do it.

Your husband's only crime here is to want a more varied social life. You don't necessarily have to be part of it - although I think it would do you good to at least try to vary your horizons a bit. But declaring it's the end of your life as you know it and your MIL weeping about "losing her son" because he hasn't been for tea in a couple of weeks is only going to drive him away.

Think about it like this. If your in-laws are happy to have everyone around for afternoon tea every week, why does it matter if your husband doesn't go every time? Surely if it's a weekly thing, they're available regularly - which means it's no big deal if he sometimes doesn't go because of something that's happening on a specific date? If he starts missing family birthdays or milestones to go to Korean restaurants with his friends, then yes, maybe it's a sign of something bigger. But maybe he's just realised that just because you typically do the same thing every week, it doesn't mean you have to?

That's not life, OP.

You sound like you have some quite severe mental health issues that you should probably explore with a therapist.

I am sorry but what you are describing sounds claustrophobic in the extreme to me Obviously your DH is more suited to this dort of life as you say you were happy . However he is findother things he likes to do. Maybe he wasn't "quite" as happy as you were with your previous life

How much do you love him, rather than loving the life you had together. Surely you want your DH to be happy and are willing to compromise a bit

You have not been married long. Marriage really is a marathon and this sort of thing is exactly why people say it is not easy and needs work. People and situations change and a strong marriage needs to be able to accommodate that

Alternatively you can decide you dont want to compromise on this at all and prefer to look for a partner who will not change over tome . Good luck with that

I agree with this.

Once a month to visit family is fine. Its healthy to branch out socially, away from family a bit. His mum needs to be very careful in the way she is acting and the language she is using, or she will push him away completely

Maybe, at the moment, you should reduce your visits to his family. Sounds like you and his mum together are inflaming the situation, both upset that he isn't there every week and encouraging and validating negatively about his new social life.

I agree with this.

Once a month to visit family is fine. Its healthy to branch out socially, away from family a bit. His mum needs to be very careful in the way she is acting and the language she is using, or she will push him away completely

Maybe, at the moment, you should reduce your visits to his family. Sounds like you and his mum together are inflaming the situation, both upset that he isn't there every week and encouraging and validating negatively about his new social life.

It really is much more the norm for young adults to see their family around once a month. The family is not being pulled apart, it's moving into a more normal way of living.

You really need to make the effort to join your husband on his weekend activities. It's worrying that you would rather be with his parents than with him.

I'm introverted but I find if I make a bit of effort to get to know people in a relaxed environment it works fine and I enjoy myself. You should try it OP, both with your husband and on your own. Try joining something like a local book club or walking club, or one that aligns with your interests.

The people "pulling the family apart" are you and his mum.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things you don't want to do. I listen to a neuroscience professor podcast and he explained something interesting once. There is a part of the brain ( anterior midcingulate cortex (aMCC)) that is bigger in people who do things they don't want to do and way smaller in people who don't pressure themselves. In essence he argued it is good from a neurological perspective to do things you don't want to do.

As you get older I find it's harder but I force myself. This is true of socialising and exercising but knowing it's good for me I keep doing it. I do see the benefits.

I share this bit of information as I think you might find it interesting and it might influence you. Even if you don't gel with his friends force yourself to engage with them.

I think he’s absolutely doing the right thing putting in place some boundaries with his mother. She sounds suffocating.

this!

Oh come off it, being pulled apart indeed because he doesn’t want to sit in his mother’s eating scones every Saturday.

Why are you still going round on your own? Surely you can find something else to do.

Can we stop trotting out “introverted” as an excuse for not wanting to socialise?

I’m introverted. I socialise. I have friends. I want to meet people, get out the house, and have new experiences. I need to take time to “recharge”, but I still want to do these things.

This is insane. I really feel sorry for your husband having to deal with his mother’s emotionally manipulative tantrums. She needs to be careful here or she actually will lose her son. He’s allowed a life of his own.

Boring more like.

You may have thought you were BOTH satisfied living in your little bubble and you are miffed that your DH has found a new social circle. He sounds like a lovely bloke who has invited his wife along as he wants to share these experiences. Id accept his invitations before he stops bothering to ask.

Good grief, how dramatic!

Seems like you may have to find a new partner who is introverted like you; unless you are willing to change/try going out a bit with him; but if it is really not you; you can’t force yourself.

I would have found your life style quite boring and a partner who isn’t willing to try new things quite boring too as I am an extrovert; but each to their own

OP, I’m sorry to be harsh, but the life you describe as being happy with previously sounds unimaginably dull for someone your age.

My DH and I are the same age as you. We’re also homebodies and pretty sedate for our age, but our free time is typically a mix of - quiet time, gardening / DIY, going to the pub, dog walks, seeing friends for drinks / dinner (whether we’re hosting, at theirs, or at a restaurant), dates out together, camping, weekends away exploring the UK. We also live in the same village as my parents and see them fairly regularly, and see my husband’s parents (further afield) every 2-3 months. We typically go to London a couple of times a year together.

THAT is a sedate life for someone in their mid-30s. Your description of every weekend being with a set of parents, and the level of excitement about tea and cake, is like reading the diary of a retiree.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you carry on living such a restricted lifestyle whilst your husband explores the world around him, you will inevitably grow apart and resent each other.

The fact you completed uni online and met your husband through video gaming points to some potential social anxiety, or other neurodivergence, you might want to get checked out and then find coping strategies to manage / engage more with your husband’s interests.

You can still have and enjoy your own quiet time, but I doubt your marriage will last if you insist on carrying on as before.

And you obviously CAN do uncomfortable things if you went to Germany for the wedding of a couple that you’d never met in real life.

He has told you that he has realised that the world is bigger than your house and family, now that has happened there’s no going back for him.

When you said “another argument”, what was said and by whom?

OP It's great that you're going to disc golf with others. You don't need to go out all the time but you might enjoy going out more once you try it. It sounds like your DH has a suffocating mother who wants to keep him close and has then married someone very similar who just wants to not risk anything new. He's decided to break free from her a bit, so really it's none of her business if her 30 something married son wants to make his own life without being tied to seeing her every week for tea and scones!