AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

It happens. People change, doesn’t mean he’s in the wrong. I’m currently going through a really rough patch (honestly can’t see a way forward) with my partner of 10 years for similar reasons. He really wanted kids 5 years ago. We had twins. Now he wants a really active social life and I’m stuck at home alone. He’s changed I’ve not. Only thing he did wrong was convince me to have a child then want tons of freedom. You’re not in that situation though so you need to think, do you wanna broaden your horizons and try going out more or do you wanna call it a day?

Yeah, possibly a window into their arguments? Her saying - you are destroying our family. Him saying - i am going to a Korean restaurant with friends. How is that destroying my family?!?!

OP, have you tried to have a conversation with him that doesn't involve an argument? If this is impossible I suggest you try marriage counselling, as your relationship will be on the rocks very soon if it isn't already.

Have you also tried asking him to try something new just the two of you? A day trip somewhere not too busy, a new restaurant? So no friends and not too many crowds - but you're doing something new together?

Perfect for you maybe, Dh wants more, can't say I blame him

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it? Dh has changed because he's seen a whole other world now that he's working in the office with colleagues, I think he likes what he's found. Try it yourself before admitting it's not for you and that Dh and you are no longer compatible

Would you have more energy for socialising with him if you spent less time with his parents? Imagine if you spent Saturday alone at home.

I don't think that's a complete answer, but it's something that might help a bit.

He may be about to 'crash' if he's been working hard in this new job requiring a commute and doing lots of extra socialising.

It's worth maintaining your local and online connections. Also worth scheduling 'date nights' so you're both spending time together.

It may also be the case that this is a summer thing that will fall away by October with the shorter days / cooler weather.

it all sounds rather suffocating and you may lose DP if you all keep fighting against him wanting some freedom. Adapt and try to live with him so that you don’t stay behind if you want to keep your relationship.

It sounds like he has done it to keep you happy for years op and now finally doing things he likes too.
You seem very stuck in your ways and unwilling to even try just one new thing with him.

Definitely, getting out of your comfort zone makes you more confident and worldly wise. I read too many time people are scared about things that are so irrational because we are all human.

A good motto for me has been 'be anxious but do it anyway".

What did weekends look like when his parents are away? Or busy?

what do they look like when there are no parents left for you both?

So he's not experienced 'normal' working out of the home before and realised he actually enjoys being in the world outside your previous little bubble.

The norm has been this for most of us, especially when young, it's real interaction and experiences you can never have from behind a screen.

Yes he has changed, he's discovered there is more to life than such a tiny, limited circle with the same unadventurous routines. Give it a go, you may find you will come to enjoy meeting new people, new fun activities etc.

Clearly ‘we’ weren’t happy. ‘You’ were happy, and he went along with what you wanted. Now he’s realising that there’s more to life.

I can see why you would feel left behind, and that it would be difficult that what felt like an established set up has now changed - but it sounds like this is a significant improvement in wellbeing for him, he has tried to include you in it and it's you that doesn't want that/isn't able to meet him there.

It doesn't really matter what his mother thinks of this, the pair of you agreeing doesn't lend weight to it or mean he should change his behaviour, he isn't doing anything wrong. People do grow apart unfortunately or change as a result of life circumstances and that can be difficult to come to terms with. You need to try to set aside the resentment you feel, accept that this is the new normal and understand whether or not you want to live alongside it or not - trying to push him back in a box isn't the answer here and won't work either.

I realise that these things aren't your cup of tea OP and there's nothing wrong with that either but I would give them a go before writing them off, or at the very least have conversations with him about how a social scenario could be made something that was comfortable for you. As others have pointed out if there is no wriggle room at all then it's hard to see how the relationship could be sustained over long years, even if you both love each other. No doubt it feels unfair but people are allowed to change.

Thanks to previous comments on this thread, I now realise I’m a grumpy misanthrope, not an introvert (possibly as well as an introvert?).

I don’t think you’re wrong, @newlifeoldme , I’m with you. But it seems your partner no longer is. That’s a shame. I feel for you. You’re going to have to accept that your partner wants a different life now. But I don’t see why you should be made to compromise if you don’t want to. Good luck. I hope you can sort it out.

Perfect for YOU. If it was perfect for him too, then it's unlikely much would have changed and, if anything, he might have wanted that more after 4 days in the office.
The simple truth is he's discovered there is more to explore for him - it sounds like you need to sit and talk it through, to see if there's a compromise that suits you both.

For me, that would be stifling, not perfect. Perhaps your husband also found it a bit constraining sometimes? You'll need to find a way to compromise.

I don't know; " a rolling stone gathers no moss"? To put it simply, your DH was fine with your previous life-style, that is, until he joined the 'real' world and saw, as others could now see, what he was missing out on.

He isn't the stick in the mud, after all.

He's asked you to join him each time, which is a very positive that he wants to share this new life style with you OP.

What if he said he wanted to go on his own and leave you to keep your in-laws company?
Now that wouldn't be good at all.

Why don't you put on your glad rags and go with him to dine out or a smaller event? It would please him, show him you are willing to go with him, and who knows; you may even enjoy it?

He wants you by his side, he wants you to enjoy with him, don't push him away. In time, he may tire of the novelty of trying new things to keep up with co workers, but you also might learn to enjoy time away from home.

Oh gosh 100% - like get us, we are so much deeper and more complex than these boring, loud extroverts.

It’s so tiresome! I got told on here during lockdown that I couldn’t possibly be an introvert as I missed having colleagues to chat to while I was WFH.

Yep. Its the ultimate get out of jail free for self indulgent behaviour triggered by people failing to deal with anxiety and making it other people’s problem. Its my absolute pet hate.

Or a way for them to justify their behaviour. "Oh, I can't help myself, I'm an introvert".

It’s become a kind of lifestyle brand more than a meaningful characteristic on here: a way for socially inept people to make themselves sound edgy.

@newlifeoldme- the golf sounds a good step for you! So it’s the cousins new girlfriend and another couple you’ve not met before, this is great step!

As others have said, he wants to take you with him into his new world. He wants to go to cafes and restaurants with you. He still wants your company, just fancies trying doing that in a new place now and then.

Give it ago, marriages often require compromise. It might be you can’t stand trying new places/being out of routine and he can’t face going back into your old way of life, at which point you might have to face that you aren’t compatible and go your separate ways. But try.

Exactly! OP’s Saturdays sound like my worse nightmare! 😂 Once in a while would be fine but to be expected to do that every week? Exhausting!

Amen to this. It's so annoying and I say that as a massive introvert who needs a LOT of alone time, lol.

However I also generally like the company of people, love exploring and visiting new places and would rather stick pins in my eyes than spend my life eating scones with my mother-in-law every Saturday

Its so irritating it makes me want to tear my hair out.

Once again for the people at the back: introvert is not a misanthrope or someone who is grumpy or hates being around other people. Its someone who gets drained in social situations and needs alone time to recharge.

Can we have a pinned post somewhere saying: “You are not an introvert, you’re just socially awkward and isolated.”

Are you ND? I have anxiety. Large crowds and small talk are difficult for me. I have been known to stay home for long periods due to panic attacks. But, it does me good to get out where I can. And I keep going otherwise I would regress into a hermit again. Are you similar? WFH so you don't have to leave the house? It sounds like keeping everything small suits you as anything else is scary. You can overcome this and expand your world, little by little. Truthfully, it sounds a bit unhealthy. Have you had therapy?

How many times have you met his friends? I would say it takes more than a few meetings to become part of a group. Keep trying and you might enjoy it. Maybe it can be offset by your husband staying home more of a weekend, so a compromise and finding the right balance?