AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

This job has opened up his world for him and it might be a novelty, where he eventually calms down and goes back to being a home body or, more likely, it might be that this was the life he wanted all along and it was just that he didn’t have the opportunity or the friends or the confidence to get it so he settled for spending each weekend with his wife and family. He’s found a type of freedom for maybe the first time in his life and it doesn’t sound like he’ll want to be giving that up any time soon.

If you want to stay married then I strongly suggest that you force yourself to give these new things a go. It doesn’t have to be your sort of thing and you don’t have to click with his friends. You just need to be with him while he finds his place in his new world. And if that means putting a smile on your face while eating a plate of galbi and faking an interest in their lives, or hopping on a train to London to go to some new exhibit, then that’s what you need to do. Otherwise you need to think about whether whether you really want to be married to this sort of person, and if so, whether he’s going to want to stay married to someone who never wants to experience new things with him.

You sound old before your time if I'm being honest. Family is great but older family members won't be around forever. A group of lovely friends your own age is a great idea. Your DH may have been ok wfh but now he's realised there's a fun world out there & he wants to try out some new things with new people. You may also find if you step out of your comfort zone a little you would also enjoy some new friends & doing fun things x

Unexpected opportunities dropping out of nowhere can completely upend a persons life.

Oh love, I can see why you're shaken up that everything has suddenly changed. It must feel strange and uncomfortable to you.

But his new lifestyle/workmates will only come between you if you let that happen. I know it must feel hard for you, but you must know deep inside that he has done nothing wrong. Well actually, it is abrupt of him to go from seeing his mum twice weekly to saying he'll leave it for a month. But other than that, you must know that it's normal to want to go out and see things and have friends outside of your family.

It sounds like he was happy with the quiet life before, but he is now enjoying being more sociable. So who knows - you might enjoy being more sociable too, if you give it a go.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert and wanting quiet time. But it's healthy to try mixing with others. It can be really beneficial - you can learn and be inspired by others!

Do you think you could try something small, eg a meet up with just one or two of his new workmates, at a place that you could tolerate (rather than a big group in a noisy place that you really don't like the sound of)? Be careful not to write-off everywhere as 'not your scene'. There must be something that you might like, maybe a museum or a gallery?

Good luck. It's nice that he wants to include you. Don't let this drive a wedge between you. x

Excellent comment and very empathetic too.

I and my wife are very much in love after over 40 years, stay at home people but love our holidays visits to historic buildings meals out etc but do not live in each other pockets and my my wife and I enjoy short breaks away from each other from time to time with other people and no problems.
You are heading for an unpleasant surprise. Divorce ???

I mean this kindly OP but he's asked you to these evenings and days out so he's trying to include you
You're both young. If you don't meet him halfway then he'll move along without you and then you'll grow apart. Try some new experiences. Yes it's great that you get on with his family and are close but you need to compromise. Sometimes you have to try what your partner enjoys to make a relationship work. Plus it can get stale very quickly and you'll end up with little to talk about. Look at it as a new adventure.

Neither of you are wrong but maybe you are incompatible if the things you like are too different. But you might be both able to compromise and have different hobbies and social opportunities. It's normal to do things separately as well as together and to not see extended family for a while when lives are busy.

People grow and develop over their lifetime. It sounds like DH is expanding his mind, exposure etc.You have a decision to make as to whether to be part of this with him or let him go. I can’t see the marriage lasting if you don’t get on board. You can’t make someone be the person you want, he may have been happy but guessing he wants more now.

I don't think he's actually done anything wrong, he's made a big change going from a work from home role into going out to work, of course he was going to meet new people. He's making friends and socialising, he isn't even excluding you either by your own words he invites you to join him but you don't want to go..which is fine but you can't expect him not to see his friends. Revolving his week around his mum a few times a week. If you're fine staying home and visiting family that's ok but you can't expect him to do the same, working out of the family home has probably made him realise he needed to get out more and he probably wants to share that with you too. Maybe compromise if you can and join him occasionally whilst also making time for family too

I think it is important for OP to go out with his friends and work colleagues. It is also good to see his parents and family more than just once every two months. It sounds like the DH has gone from one extreme to the other, which is perfectly understandable given what he went through for so long.

Bet his mum must have felt she’d lucked out when he married someone who wouldn’t challenge the home orbit status quo, the apron strings could stay very tight. Not a normal response from her at all,

OP, if his mum said this she's a controlling parent. She should be proud and pleased.

I understand that it's different for you - you signed up for one kind of relationship that works with your ND/autism - but his mum is controlling and pretty awful. It's hard for ND people sometimes to step back and see the bigger picture but this is honestly what it is. Don't take her position as 'the norm' - it's definitely not. You'll be much better factoring her out of your negotiations with your OH about your future relationship - and if you use her 'woe is me' as a lever in that, it will definitely be perceived as manipulative by your OH and he will just put you in the same file.

Agree. Suffocating and claustrophobic. The idea that a grown man is causing his mother upset because he has friends and a life is so ridiculous I feel like it must be a borrowed scene from that old sit com Sorry! OP is selling herself short choosing to live in such a tiny world as if she were 100 yrs old.

Plus, generally humans are sociable and thrive more with good friends and connections. We're a tribal species so need the societies and communities to be our best.

Being alone is difficult but not always bad. But being lonely has been proven to be terrible for mental and physical health, so your DH is doing well if he's getting out there more. Perhaps his previous insular lifestyle was quite lonely for him too?

Are you simply introverted and homely or do you feel some anxiety around novel social situations and new people or crowds? Even for an introvert this sounds extreme, as normally they have friends outside the family they just don't tend to constantly be around people or for super long. Maybe you have social anxiety or low confidence that you could get some help with? If not, apologies for the assumptions! If anxiety isn't the issue you could try and meet him half way with stuff and share his excitement a bit perhaps.

"We all used to be so so close. Never really spent more than a week without seeing each other. Now the family's basically being pulled apart."

Genty, this isn't a family being pulled apart; this is normal adult development.

Not to cause upset but is anyone else reading this thinking it sounds like suffocating!? It’s making me feel uncomfortable just reading it.

The op seemingly hasn’t taken onboard anything that’s been said. Instead she seems almost happy that her dp’s mother called to berate him.

Op he clearly does not want the life you are trying to force him into. I could see this becoming emotionally abusive very quickly. A husband that desperately wants to do normal things like leave the house and a wife who gets argumentative about the thought of him leaving the same four walls. I hope he’s headstrong and can’t be swayed because I fear you will be a nightmare the more independence he gets.

As others have said too, you need to at least try. I mean, limiting your life to just your parents and in-laws really isn't that exciting, or great.

Don't you want to see other things in the world? Have curiosity? See if you find something new you enjoy? Find out about different places, foods, even cultures?

It's good for the mind, brain, soul, stops it from atrophying and wilting from ennui and boredom.

Think of how children thrive when given new experiences, balanced with down time.

Life is to be lived. Live it.

It all sounds horribly claustrophobic and unhealthy. Your dh sounds like the healthiest out of you all. Why not at least go out for the day with just him and explore new cafes and areas. The more you isolate yourself the harder it is to live a more rounded life. His mum needs her head wobbling (a hated MN phrase but very justified here), she sounds very manipulative and it’s not at all a normal attitude towards an adult married son.

Good for him finding his wings and enjoying a bit of the world, join him if you love him!!

Op I think you should find some social experiences for yourself. It is scarier when the other person is deciding. Have some things that you pick.

Not RTFT, but as PPs say, how old are you OP? Have you needed to always stay at home?

Have you never lived away properly apart from with him? Never had a different group to socialise with, gone to college or university? Besides your home and your parents, there is much more in the world to explore.

Being insular can be limiting and not great for the future, especially if you had to suddenly become more sociable or outgoing to help with family, your job etc.

Try being adventurous, OP. Go on. It might be fun!

What's the worst thing that could happen? 😉

There is more to Life than a computer screen. Get out there and Live, meet real people, speak to everyone in Real Life. He has found the Big Wide World more interesting and you will lose him and be stuck with just his close family on your own. Do not try and drag him down as it will destroy your lives together.

Is this the life you want? Life getting smaller and smaller as the years go on. You will be left behind in your own tiny world on your own.

"We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!" "Previously on Sat morning we would be getting ready to go to one of our family's, usually his parents. His mum would be there with our favourite teas and scones or cake. Sometimes his cousins would visit. Sometimes his nephew would come along with them. It was perfect."

Agreed on seeing the parents more! You were really looking forward to it too, so that definitely matters.

You mentioned a guild so I'm going to guess it's possibly Warcraft? My DP plays and I've noticed how very different our lives are since Warcraft joined us. If your DP wants a life outside of that, good for him. If he's realised that there's more to life than the intense time suck of online gaming, and wants to hang out with people and make friends and try new things, that's great.

It's unfortunate that you've grown apart from a previous common shared interest, and you will both have to work out how that's going to affect your relationship going forward, you can't change people, only the way you respond to them.