AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

It can be disorienting when the life you thought you were both happy with changes. He’s been exposed to a different way of life via his job and has found he enjoys it. This doesn’t mean he wasn’t happy with the way life was before, but he’s found another dimension to his life that he wants to explore, and it sounds like he wants to involve you.

As others have said, you need to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Try not to accuse him of being a different person, but let him know that you miss the way things were because it made you feel happy and safe, and that the way things are now make you feel unsettled.

Be prepared for him to say that he feels like that way of life was not right for him and he wants you to embrace the new way of life with him.

But he needs to accept that this may not be right for you, the same way that going back to how it was may not be right for him. And then come to the compromise. A suggestion might be that maybe every other weekend you see your families, on one of the alternate weekends you do something new together, and on the other he does his own thing with his new friends. Or whatever you work out between you.

In your twenties OP? He’s just discovering there’s a life out there beyond quiet weekends at home and visiting his parents.

Exactly what I would hope for my kids in his mum’s shoes. Not sad that he’s “changed”

Oh, Im not suggesting he’s deliberately lied about how he feels, he probably hasn’t, I just mean that if it’s not something he’s articulated it feels out of the blue for her, iyswim?

With respect, Op, he has changed and will never go back to the old life.

If I were you, I would brave up and trust your DH to accompany you to some of the new places in the city. Take the leap.
You could compromise and ask that it just be the two of you.

Sometimes go out with his new friends but also sometimes lock in visits to family as they are missing him like you are.

Covid lock downs did affect how adventurous young people could be and some are still fearful of new places.
Lean in your DH.

Sounds like he’s living a bit. Maybe you should try?

He was probably happy at the time. That’s what his life was and maybe didn’t know anything else so he was happy. Now he’s experiencing a different sort of life and likes some aspects of it.
Neither is wrong, she likes life as it always was and he wants to try new things.

Sounds like he’s discovered there’s more to life than working and living in the same building and just seeing a limited number of people/ family.

You say it’s not your scene? But you haven’t even tried to join in?

And if of course he’s a social person and you don’t socialise at all then you probably aren’t compatible anymore and you should go your separate ways.

I can see why you’re sad, you thought you were both content with your life. It’s good that you have been able to share your thoughts. However, he’s told you he wants to broaden his outlook, you don’t. That said , the novelty might wear off. Good luck.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you lead a narrow life, it doesn’t even mean you’re a homebody. It means that you’re re-energized by time alone whilst an extravert is re-energized by time spent with others.

I’m an introvert, I must have alone time every day, it’s non-negotiable and yet I think the life you’re describing would be extremely dull and limiting. I’d hate it. If your husband isn’t happy like that he needs to grow and change. Up to you whether you also consider doing that.

I don’t really know what you mean when say the Korean bbq place isn’t your scene? What’s not your scene - restaurants? A casual dinner isn’t a big imposition.

Why is it not healthy?

Also being blunt it’s not a good idea for your social lives revolving round your parents, who one day in the future, won’t be there.

she’s not saying it’s ‘crazy’, she’s saying it’s different from what it was.

It sounds like he’s changed for the better. You wfh and the only time you really leave the house is to see your in laws? That’s not healthy. I can’t believe you went to see your in laws instead of a day trip with your husband and his friends.

OP I assume you are both still quite young. It sounds like your DH's new job has opened up a new life for him, it sounds great he has settled in and found a fun social group of people. I had a great job in my early twenties where I met some of my best lifelong friends.

Wanting to see people other than family and go out to restaurants and on day trips is perfectly normal and even beneficial to your relationship. It sounds like he wants more than the small quiet little life you have, who can blame him - most people would.

Relationships and what is important changes all the time, partners develop new hobbies, interests and friendship circles as life progresses. You don't need to be joined at the hip but you do need to be broadly on board or at least supportive of the kind of lives you both want to have. If you are unable or unwilling to even embrace some of his new found sociability then you need a big talk about how your lives will work going forward.

Good for him.
You have one life @newlifeoldme and your partner is living it.
If you want your old life you have to consider it is over. He will find the opportunity to meet someone else happy to live like him.

How old are you OP?

i have to be honest if you are young hanging around with family and never going out except to hang out at theirs is a very small life, especially if you are young. I’m in my 50s with kids and I moved to hybrid work friom WFH 18 months ago as I realised my world was shrinking and I realised it wasn’t healthy. I did still go out btw but I was becoming too comfortable not to if that makes sense. I actually think his life sounds a lot healthier than yours. I’m an introvert too, it doesn’t mean you have to live like a hermit.

It sounds like he didn't really know any different & now he does he's embracing the opportunity.
Doesn't mean he loves you any less, just that he wants to widen his world.
Change is always a challenge, especially for the non instigator, but you need to find a balance otherwise he will feel stifled and like he can't win.

If that is all you’ve ever done and all you’ve ever known, it can feel like happiness because you don’t know any different. Sometimes you don’t even realise you were unhappy until later and you can look back retrospectively.

OP can feel blindsided but her husband might also not have intentionally lied to her. I do echo PPs though in that a person is going to change in marriage. I’m not the same person I was when I got married and neither is my husband. We have very different hobbies to when we got married. You have to try and change with your spouse. Try the things they like and if you don’t like them, find your own things with a bit of luck that you change in a similar direction.

OP you don’t have to do these things with him but your resentment is that you’re doing your old life without him because you do all the same things as before. You need to find your things, things that you like doing by yourself or with new friends. This doesn’t need to be going to the Korean BBQ place with his friends. In time, there might be a discussion about family time but you need to find out who you are outside of your husband being there all the time.

He’s cut the apron strings OP. That’s normal. Most people do it as teens. You either go with him on his adventures or you stay behind having tea with his mum forever more. Your choice.

How old are you both?

Interesting one here. I am similar to your DH OP.

Admittedly with children I have been 'reined in' by my own desire to be home but I still go out a couple of times a month plus evening gym classes after kids are down etc and my husband just doesn't and doesn't want to. We have adapted and addressed this imbalance as a couple.
He does some hobbies at home (painting) but I am just more sociable.

A life of just socialising with your parents isn't wrong, but it it isn't normal for most and my guess is he's young. Adapt of the relationship is in trouble as you can't hold him back.

There are many things you can do as an introvert while broadening your horizons a bit. Find some really cheap theatre tickets on TodayTix, then find a restaurant nearby. The only person you’d need to talk to is your husband. Have you ever acted like a tourist in your local area? Go and see obscure sites.

Life is very long, and cosy family weekends will still be there if you do a bit more, and you will have more to talk about with them, and look back upon when you are old.

He’s clearly not introverted like yourself just previously he didn’t have an outlet and now he does.
How often is he going out? I’d say once a weekend and a couple nights a week is fine and you should work on accepting you are different.
if it’s more than that then you need a conversation about quality time together but you also need to accept that time spent together should be agreeable for both of you so you may need to compromise that sometimes you go out together.

Sorry, I have some questions:
How old were you when you met?
How old are you now?
Did you go to university/what level of social life have you had?
I think these are relevant to my answer. If you're 20-40 my answer is different to if you are older.